u/deconstructing boxes

Well, since I last wrote the world has sped up, slowed down to a stop, then sped up again... Mostly the news that my mum has breast cancer was a shock; very treatable however, still, the 'c' word is not one that anyone relishes. She is very robust in her approach to life, and we had a great chat about how you glorify God in the midst of pain and suffering, acceptance and resistance. Today I preached, and one of the texts was Isaiah 43: 1-7; it struck me whilst reading it how appropriate it was for someone possibly about to undergo radiation therapy - or, (probably more accurately), for those of us about to watch someone we love possibly undergo 'fire'-

So - I've been in a class this afternoon and fielded loads of questions, which I thoroughly enjoyed - about the church, our church, life, and particularly the Psalms - since the class was the Hebrew Psalter that made sense... :-)

I was asked what one question I would ask them and I said something along the lines of: Do you have the courage to think.act.be outside the box? That is something that I am chronically challenged by - and it is all too easy to be squeezed into the various boxes around... church/world/life. It takes bottle to resist.

As I've blogged the whole family has arrived home - and I am in Grandpa's chair, so I'd better relinquish it - more later.

Deirdre wins an honourable mention in the darwin awards...

Well - today's near-winner... Deirdre! first, you should know that this is all the fault of Henri Nouwen. His aforementioned cd finished, and i decided that i couldn't wait to hear the next one. So... I pushed the eject, took out the cd (and here, ladies and gentlemen is where it gets ugly), I put the cd in my mouth, a good place to hold a cd. Then, oops, dropped the second cd. And, bending over to pick up the elusive disc I firmly bumped into the steering wheel with, yes, the cd gripped between my lips. Then, predictibly, the thin shard of plastic sliced Deirdre's mouth - on both sides. Much blood, and great pain. No car accident, however, for which I am thankful. I was howling with laughter - which probably looked rather funny to the people on either side of me, since blood was dripping slowly down my chin and my lips were now in line with my nose...

Today is Saturday, and I am about to get reading. Today's delight, a PhD on Wesley...

Last night my aunt and a friend of hers attempted to corrupt me by taking me to a comedy club. It was not particularly comic, but was indeed a club. Actually, I like to think that if it had been only Andrew and me, we would have left. It was foul. Foul-mouthed, foul-jokes, and much smoke. I actually was really saddened by it: sex (all manner, nature and kinds), drugs (pot was hailed as 'the people's friend' which anyone who has worked in Longsight/Gorton/Blackley knows is actually 'the people's oppressor'), and the '7.99 for all you can drink bud' was extolled as a great thing. Which, although I am [slightly] more liberal than many nazos, there is nothing I find attractive/compelling/thrilling/sophisticated about drunkenness. Anyway, I suppose that I sound really prudish, but in actual fact - it was a travesty of humour. I think one aspect that also stood out to me was that two of the four comedians said at the end of their act 'God bless you'... what does that mean? Is it a common farewell? It just seemed so inconcruous.

Let's see - anything else of note? No. I'll leave you with a quote from a father: "I have often repented of having spoken, never of keeping my silence.'

I have been thinking about that in the light of Mark P's blog - and I wondered if silent protest might be very highly affective in our culture. So many words - everywhere words - what if we went on a mass march and said nothing... symbolising all the devaluing of words that happens amongst politicians, 'peace, peace they cry...'

Anyway, just a thought...

The abbas speak through Nouwen

On the drive to and from HQ I have been listening to Henri Nouwen cds - they were a gift from Longsight before I left, and whoever chose them was Holy-Spirit inspired. The first one (which I'm listening to again) is dealing with the ministry and the ministry-as-resistance-to-the-squeeze-of-this-world: it is deeply difficult to listen to, and the idea of solitude which he is pondering is enormously confrontational. Shaping. Terrible. It is based on St. Anthony's way of - Flee (solitude), be silent, pray always.

I am sitting in my Grandpa's living room - with grandmalou pottering away in the kitchen. She keeps trying to feed me. And grandpa has Fox news on, quite loud, though when anything he disagrees with comes on, he turns it down... Of course, since usually we have quite varying views, that is often quite funny! I am really enjoying living with them - they are lovely to watch - love in the eighth decade of life is real love. They laugh a lot (!) and grandpa has taken to some new ways. For example: he is coming to THE CINEMA with us tomorrow night [ok, so we're watching Amazing Grace, on the recommendation of the pastor, but still...].

As per the PhD request: I've been reading. "Men and Manners in the Eighteenth Century" (thrilling isn't it?), and "John Wesley and the Church of England" again, and arguing - sorry, 'conversing'- with various Emergent-types. What I think so far, is that there is nothing new under the sun. The more I know of any century, the more you see things again and again... There are a couple of PhD theses here that I am going to try and read before next Wednesday (when they're due back) so watch this space.

Today I met up for lunch (don't worry, that's allowed) with two very old (as in long-standing) friends: Monte Cyr, and Mark Holcomb - they both asked me if I missed NYI - and I think that's another whole blog.

So, things I miss today:
Andrew.
My own bed.
A range of socks. I only brought one and a half week's worth. Bad idea.
Friends.
Our Wednesday group.
Unsweetened anything.

Things I want to do: walk outside. drive without getting confused between North and East [I somehow can't get away from thinking of North as 'up' and that if I am facing forward, I am up, and therefore North. hmm. not ideal]. Listen to some news that relates to outside of KC (Geordan, know any stations I can tune into?). Sleep. Watch Little Miss Sunshine again.

Snippets of Wesley

"Hell is paved with the souls of Christian Priests."

Hmm. Well, that is always the worry.

Today, Ash Wednesday, I went at noon to St Andrew's Episcopalian church, and was deeply moved by the penitential prayers, and the marking of Ash. We shared communion, and I felt very united with the others kneeling around me. I also felt that in many ways lent is to be a time for solitude, silence and prayer - but, here's the reality. I am rarely alone, and there is almost no silence here, and prayer is - rightly - a struggle. The abbas of the desert (of course) through Nouwen are speaking to me, but I am a often a bad listener. I have been trying also to think about my role/being as 'pastor' - time away has often been a time of immense struggle and painful growth - I seem to get more clarity, and I hope to this time also.... I have felt very much the need to reflect on the nature and shape of mission. And also to reconsider how God has/does speak to me. [I know that blogging isn't solitude incidentally, and I'll be signing off soon...]

Other things: whilst with my aunt the other night, painting her bedroom, we (unfortunately) watched a programme that she really loves: wife swap. Now, I know that this exists in the UK - don't get me wrong: but, a sophisticated urbanite was swopped with a farming, raw food only, brushing teeth with clay & rancid butter, and - when the woman was told as part of the 'new family's rules' that she had to shave her armpits, she had to use scissors to start with! EWW.

Today's news here: Anna Nicole Smith, 'the trial' and Blair removing some troops. A tragic blend. Also, if I hear another Hilary Clinton joke!!

Right. Going.

Watching Miss Congeniality and blogging. Yes, it has descended to that.

Today has been long. Went into the office to work on my outline, and try and ask myself some methodological questions. Then, I became totally and utterly overwhelmed, and we left. Ouch. At the moment, I fail to see how this is all possible -but maybe once I've slept on it, it'll be okay.

The snow has continued today - it is beautiful, but treacherous. So many accidents/ fires and sliding around on the roads. It is strange, but I love the snow it takes me right back to teen-years (quite tortured, and normal) and outdoor sports. That always makes me realise that one of the things I love here is that 'most everybody can/should/ does play sport as they grow up in North America, whereas in the UK it is mostly lads/privileged...

Well, I have nothing interesting to say, so I'll sign off.

A beginning...

Today was a long day of reading and re-reading - trying to figure out where I am and where I need to go. Felt a lot overwhelmed, and was really thankful that Andrew was here - he's a silent encourager, and unbelievably dedicated to his own studies. He loves reading, and that is inspiring. (We have photos, but aren't sure yet of how to put them on... :))

I've been reading a book that a lot of people [in the blogspheres i lurk in] have recommended. I found myself on a pendulum between agreeing with their premise 'the church is dying, needs to change, here's how' and rejecting some of what they seem to be suggesting [out with the old, in with the new.. or academic learning and language is dead, no place in the church...] Now obviously I have things at stake in both - and I still am thinking it through, but in particular I think that I have some big questions to think through. I've not been sleeping well - (I know parents with small children, you neither!), mostly panic I think about everything I have to do. Of course, lack of sleep may not help me be coherent...

I keep telling myself that exercise will help - so I'm watching tryouts for the Dallas Cowboys [those girls have stamina]. :-) So far it's not really working!! Actually, I feel incredibly out of touch with the world - the early morning is the best time for news that gives a window onto the whole world - otherwise, I feel like an alien.

We drove around a little with Grandpa today. Past some enormous houses, along wide streets, beautiful banks covered in snow, and then by grandpa & grandma's church - the enormous Kansas City First Church. I don't really know what to say. They moved there from nearer the middle of Kansas City. Grandpa was telling us that he has been on a vision group, and that after a while he 'felt heavy in his spirit' and left - because they were trying to find a focus. Grandpa's view was 'whatever happened to "whosoever would come..."' It was a challeging conversation.

So - the ntc webmail isn't working for me - poor Deirdre. It makes me feel a little cut off -but maybe that's the plan!!

California dreamin'

Today has been a long, long day. We arrived back in Kansas City from California a few hours ago, and I have reverse jet-lag it seems, and so am wide awake.

The last few days with our friends the Campbell's have been lovely - we've had good conversation, good food, and laughed a lot! Let's see - there are several highlights -

*Andrew met Shaw (10) and Seth (6), and I renewed acquaintance with them - they are lovely lads, and skilled, funny, lovely, sweet, generous, and wonderful to chat to. And we both met Mick the dog (think TOTO in TW of Oz)

*Shaw plays basketball, and we watched his team play - stamina, and skill... in young lads - it was great. The game was in a local school, with a wonderful gym, and whole families came and watched, which we thought was wonderful - I can't think of the equivalent in the UK - but maybe I'm just ignorant. It was just healthy - and, there was not scoring! (Not to say that the lads didn't know who won (us), and who scored, and so on, but the essence was to play well!

*Andrew was minding Seth in the evening service, and at one point Seth leaned over and said - very seriously - 'this is pure, pure torture.' Oh my word, we laughed! He also loves being outside in the rain, and seems completely and utterly unihibited, so refreshing - I hope he keeps his sense of joy.

*We went for a walk near a bridge called the 'Sundial' - the walk was stunning - it is in a ribarian area, and there were all kinds of people, and incredible beauty. We went for a drive looking for a bald eagle nest - and spotted it, and what looked like a little bird in it. Brilliant.

*We ate wonderfully well - especially something called a 'Javanese Stack-up' which I think our Wednesday group will benefit from as soon as we are back!

*We attended the Church that Steve works for (he's officially the youth pastor, but really is a pastor of all) and I preached in two services. It is hard to describe them - but... 'The Door' is an ambient type service, multi-generational, quite creative in its approach, a young and developing leadership team - the entrance has art work displayed, and people have clearly put a lot of thought into various elements of the service. Steve is the key leader in the service, and is shaping it, and there is a real sense of love between him and his parishioners. So many people love the service and new people seem to come regularly. It is much more outward-looking than many churches. Preaching there was interesting because there is lighting (which I'm not used to really), but people really actively listened [or maybe i just couldn't see :-)). In some ways it was a really difficult service for Steve (I think), since in the notices he had to announce a big shift in their leadership, which made it all the more remarkable that people listened. I think that that congregation/service is the hope for the church. In particular something that really stood out was how many people (almost all, I think) had book-bibles - I hadn't really noticed the absence of bibles at home until I noticed them present here. I'll think on it.
The second service was a more traditional Sunday evening one. It felt very odd being at church twice (!) and I realised that I appreciate the freedom of a Sunday with just one service [or an elongated block, since I at times attend Word and Table too]. The evening service was mostly full of older faithful people - and (quite funnily I thought!) the entire NNU baseball team - Three rows of College-age guys. I think they made the average age drop considerably! [though if there had been many young women there, the pulse rates would have gone up!)

*Had a great ride to Sacramento today with a youngish man, planting a church in KC, he was interesting to talk to, and we spent a lot of the journey talking about depression and mental illness, as well as life itself. I was reminded of how grateful I am that I am a little more able to recognise depression as it creeps up on me (which it has been), and deal with it (which I need to) - and, that I am graced by Andrew. It does make you want to just quit - everything. Anyway, we had a great and enriching conversation - which gave me/us a lot of food for thought.

*Now we're back. Andrew's not feeling especially well - somehow or other he's acquired conjuntivitus, which is horrible for him.

I have now moved on from Lamott, and reading Ysabel, by Guy Gavriel Kay, one of our favourite authors. He is always interesting, and creative, and has a good idea of nobility, honour, and love. Suplemented by Louis L'Amour, and Hirsh/Frost the shaping of things to come.

Well - i guess I should try and sleep. I hope this makes sense in the morning! I've just sent an e-mail I think I'll regret, and another one is in the draft box for revising :( New motto: NEVER write e-mails when a) you're overtired b) you're paranoid c) you are far from home d) you're ranting e) you've only read what you're responding to once.

An old friend of mine [Gary Hartke for those who know him] drove us to the Airport last week - and it was great to catch up with him, and the NYI world - very distant from me now. I still think that in many ways I am formed by the experiences I had with NYI, and have been shaped in ways I don't know and don't fully understand. Certainly I feel a part of something that is 'familial' - but the loss of NYI has also been quite enormous - and I don't think I've really figured out how huge until recently. A lot of my internal questions about life, meaning, significance, moving, changing, calling have perhaps been triggered by thinking through endings and beginnings.

Last, but not least, there is snow here in abundance! 5" last night - and more tonight - it is cold, and fresh, and crisp and wonderful.

So - all in all, a great few days - travelling with Andrew is fun, and being with good friends is wonderful - I wish we could have stayed longer, but SOON they'll be coming to us! And that is great news! Sorry - this has been a babble of one-in-the-morning thinking. sdv.

America, the beautiful

Well, I am well and truly in America, where petrol is $2.00 a gallon (cheap!) and cars are unbelievably ginormous! I have the use of Grandpa and Grandmalou's 'van' -which is a huge, 8 seater plus boot red vehicle. The best things about it is that it has a) heated seats b) I would win if I was on the wrong side of the road, which judging from yesterday, might just be important!

I have been given a lovely office -about 10miles from their house, and have re-located my books there, a computer, a whiteboard and some of my favourite quotes, which makes it seem like I mean business (which I do).

Andrew arrived last night, and we are doing nothing today but being together, I'll show him the office, and see where we end up - then tomorrow we leave for California -where we are meeting up with a couple of our best friends -the kind of friends you never have to 'keep up with' because as soon as we get together is it just natural...

Umm. Here are the things that I'm finding interesting so far:

• It is hard not to be a consumer here.
• The main news is only about Kansas City and Missouri (each the size of a small European country so maybe that makes sense) so I am relying heavily on the 6.00am BBC world
• The food portions are enormous. And I was taught to clear my plate. Oh dear.
• The work-day in the office I have been loaned is from 7.00am to 4.00/4.30pm [which means I will be leaving home at 6. As I've aged I've become a morning person, but still...]. That is normal. My aunt (a teacher) starts at 7.30 and ends at 3.30. So, people here have spare time, but they're knackered.
• I can imagine that given time I will manage to offend almost everyone. I've already had various discussions (and I've only been here since Monday!) re. consumerism; altar calls; homosexuality; denominationalism; post-modernity; marketing and faith where, shall we say, my views are in the minority (of one).
• There are rules here on everything - it seems that there is a sense that if you were here from birth, you would be generally unquestioning, or convinced that things are dangerous and so you must trust and obey those in authority (Crossing the road 'jay-walking' is illegal). It takes courage to be different. (There are many who are, but it is a huge challenge I think)

I'm reading (for pleasure) Annie Lammots' latest, and looking for others to feast on. Any suggestions?

Where I've yet to go....