hopeforsolitude

Addictions

2010-01-27T00:19:00.003Z

I found out yesterday that I officially got my PhD - it's hard to describe how much relief I feel. So - having gotten up at twenty-past six and into college incredibly early for the last two weeks - I am now up ridiculously late, watching Westwing - season 4, back-to-back, curled up on the sofa - [yes, sofa - we sold the settle, accidentally, for 99pence. My brother says we're lucky that we didn't have to pay someone... but still, our first foray into e-bay selling verdict: Not good.]

It feels kind of nice. No little eyes peering over my shoulder to look at what I'm reading, no little voice in my head saying, 'you really should be doing something else...!' IT FEELS GOOD.

Of course, when I have to get up tomorrow, I'll be tired, hungry, and I'll ask myself 'why?'...

Various other things - I've been playing squash - to my own rules, I've discovered! Am trying to learn the real ones, but when I play it my way I win! I've been reading, thinking, working, praying, hoping...

Trying to think in new ways, rediscover old ones. I've been thinking a lot about Nazarene-dom. Our guide-lines, covenants, codes...my personal reactions and responses. I've been thinking about sacraments - about my understanding of the body and blood; the baptismal waters. Thinking about what it means to be representative - democratic, efficient. I taught Polity and Practice in the Church, and found myself re-exploring what it means to be a Nazarene - and asking myself what my understanding was, and what the latitude is - how flexible, inflexible, how wide, broad, how...? Anyway, troubling, because I want to have complete and utter integrity - and yet, have so many ideas that seem out-of-conventional-step.

Longsight continues to be such a blessing - sounds really cheesy. Such a trauma, beautiful, messy, wonderful, crazy, zany... anyway, when I think about it in the round - I think God's revealing God-self amongst us - like incarnation, only - US... but I also think - where next? How next? Where do we go from here?

SO - that's about all - I need to go to bed.

time, rage, life, love

2009-10-16T00:07:00.003+01:00

So - I'm here in the office at just-past-midnight, waiting to go and get Andrew from the train - he's been in Durham for the day...

I've been entertaining myself with (in order of appearance) un-cluttering my in-box, facebook, Masterchef on BBC iplayer (thanks Beeb), and now TED.

The day didn't begin so well for me, since I heard a report on the Arctic sea having no ice in the summers and the only comment in the 06.30 bulletin was that it would be GOOD FOR SHIPPING. ?!*&?"! WHAT?? Good for shipping?? What about the sea levels? What about the big, wide, open, gaping blue sea that will help warm us up? Anyway, I find the news quite overwhelming a lot of the time, which is why I listen and don't watch it - at least my brain isn't branded for hours...

Apart from that, caved in tonight and opted for Pizza - gooey, hot, greasy mass - now sitting heavily...

Books these days are random. I've still not had my viva - it's a long, long story, longer, longer process... fearfully frightening, well, well, well. (unrepentant captain beefheart reference there for the uninitiated).

TED is something I've enjoyed watching for a while http://www.ted.com which is amazing - lots of things to watch/hear... I love that I can stretch outside of my comfort zones. Currently indulging myself by listening to Vusi Mahlasela... amazing.

Allotment is in need to tlc right now - hopefully there tomorrow - alongside parties - Christenings... graduations... harvests...birthdays...

Longsight is also in a hope-full but challenging place right now - we're crammed full on a Sunday - and thankful for the sense of love... But a lot is messy too - and often I've become sucked in... the challenge of creating goodness, movement, enabling freedom not chains, not enabling dependency... Man. Hard.

Also, it's difficult not to get drawn in BIG STYLE to some of the tensions of keeping the wheels on the road... or of pastoralia... So much of me loves people and wants to be the shepherd/nurturer... But so much of me needs some kind of act of courage/newness/change/fresh-thinking to feel that I'm firing on all cylinders - So, I ask myself, do I need to stay rooted and grow wise... or travel on and grow wise?

So - we're starting our FEAST again soon - a creative type of time and space, in the evenings twice a month- I'm hopeful that it will be a place of renewal, hope, grace and dynamism... maybe even beauty, freedom and formation.

The best to last: My wonderful godly Grandpa is here - I am trying to spend as much time with him as I possibly can. It is hard to describe how special he is. He turns 90 on the 5th December - he is forward thinking, grace-ful, a story-teller. He is one of the four reasons I didn't get married until in my 30s. I was waiting for someone like him. (the other three are my dad, the doc and my brother). My Grandpa has prayed for me everyday for the last 39 years of my life. He moves me. On Sunday in our Word and Table service my husband asked Grandpa to pray the intercessory prayers. The only way I can describe those moments are as liminal. A thin space where the prayers and scripture reading of 89 years came together into a prayer of scriptural proportions and a deep and sustaining love - rooted in earth and in us and in life. He is so loved. Be loved.

so

2009-10-02T23:03:00.002+01:00

It's been a while since I've written anything - there's been a lot happening in some ways - in others, same ol'

I'm at the office ridiculously late because I'm collecting andrew from the train at 12.55 (last time he'll book that one I hope!?!) and I had a sneaking suspicion that if I went home I'd crawl into bed and not wake up...!

So - been clearing the decks here a little - lots of e-mails, bits and bobs to do.

Impressions of life

My PhD viva is still an age away - but the closer it gets the more terror I feel

spent a week in the states at Point Loma Nazarene University - filled with the dilemma (for example) of preaching about God's longing for renewal of all the earth, all people - and then FLEW. hmm. need to think hard about eco-anything.

But -loved the time there - really touched by the people I met... and the beauty of the place is extraordinary -

I saw HUMMINGBIRDS playing!

The allotment is steady as she goes at the moment - I am hoping we'll get to go there tomorrow... dig, frame, plant, tidy, weed, harvest... lots on the 'to do' list

Reading lots of rubbish as well as swotting. Favourite read of the moment is The Word Militant by Brueggemann. Least Favourite, Reason, Ridiculre and Religion.

Have spent some time with great friends - Steve and Jo, Jme G and Michelle, Becky, Mary, Mark, Heather and Gary... all states based...

Not spend enough time with anyone else!

Other things that are going on - Andrew's lovely Grand-dad, one of the most thoroughly good people I've ever met died last week. His funeral is next Tuesday - May his memory be eternal.

In. Nearly done.

2009-08-12T17:57:00.002+01:00

Well -
I submitted - two days early.
On rain sodden days, dreary and bleak, the last eight years or so were bundled into two black bound tomes.

It's odd. I think I thought I'd feel bereft - and in a way I suppose I do - but I also feel liberated. I found myself whistling for the first time in months.

Of course, the viva's still to come. But I've taken a complete and utter break for the last two weeks - and next Monday we head to India for a while - incredibly exciting.

It's IN though :-)

as murray plays, I wilt.

2009-06-29T21:45:00.002+01:00

I'm taking a break from PhD editing... (only four weeks to go until I either submit,or... well, I don't I suppose!). I have come into NTC to check my e-mails, and am also listening to the Murray match... and also, (I surprise myself) I am scanning for updates on General Assembly... This is the first one I've missed in 16 or so years, and I am finding myself strangely bereft. Mostly because of the people I am not seeing... but also, there is something strangely compelling about the way decisions are made. I have enough distance now from some of the things that troubled me that I have a vague curiosity/strong interest in some aspects of things.

I was moved by the NYI voting... To think that there were a hundred plus people who would have been excluded... and they were able to be involved. I felt it was a dream realised. And, to think that I was involved in thinking/creating/hoping/agitating for that... It feels like a life-time ago, but it feels satisfying. I have also been watching with interest the debates on emergence/emerging and all things postmodern. Sad about the lack of grace involved at points, but pleased that the conversation is taking place in the public sphere. My hopes for the election of General leadership also run strong... that he/she/they will be representative of the whole church, forward thinking, grace-filled... and hopefully at least one of them from outside the USA/Canada...

My last thoughts are on the grief of my workplace right now. NTC is hurting, and of course, that really means that the people who make it are in pain. I still can't really talk about Doc. I/We ache. And my other mentor, who has ceaselessly encouraged me to study Wesley and think and love history and its ways has had a stroke. Such pain.

So... Apart from all of that, it is HOT here right now: that energy-sapping heat that makes you want to lounge, drink long-ice-cold liquid, and fan oneself... not really sit in the study and read and re-read your own thoughts. It's hard to spot mistakes when you've made them!

you know it's been a long time when...

2009-05-18T22:05:00.002+01:00

you can't remember how to sign on... (and the 'remember me' facility has forgotten you as well)...

Most of the people whose blogs you follow have had baby/ies that were hardly even thought of the last time you wrote...

You're less-than-double-digits away from your PhD submission dates...

Anyway, I am getting ready to go home after a long day, but I just thought I'd write - nothing very interesting to say but a quick up-date:

Andrew's been accepted to do his PhD at Durham (lots of implications for us, we're praying hard for him to get funding but who knows...?) You'd think he'd have been put off for life after watching me!

The allotment (and all the crew, Peter, Josh, Mark, Deirdre, Andrew plus an honourable mention for Chris) is going really well!! Hard work, and we've been definite part-timers this term, but still... Eating fresh raddish, still smeared with dirt, is bliss.

Longsight Church is the usual mix of wonderful and messy and difficult - and we are still seeing good things, but also facing hard things together.

I've been utterly inspired today by two visits - one of a young woman (13), who is courageous and gracious and holy and ordinary all at the same time - truly inspiring in the way she is facing every difficulty she encounters. {I am thankful for the NHS}. And, a visit to Doc, who is beloved and known by many. He too is inspiring, wise, the kind of person who is open to learning, generous with himself, and courageous and gracious... He used to take me to school - I grew up with him as a mentor and friend - and it is one of the greatest honours I can imagine pastoring him. As someone who excelled in leading, overseeing change, transforming so many organisations he could be formidable, but he has chosen to be one of the world's encouragers - and we are so blessed as a congregation by him (and his family).

PhD - well, as noted, I am under pressure. A lot. Stretching me thin it is (not literally, actually to keep awake/focussed/writing I'm pretty much like one of those army ants... I'd eat wood for the sugar content, but as it is, chocolate, crisps, umm, almost anything)... Anyway, it is still there, hanging over my head like a big sword.

Can't think of much else - not very interesting, eh?

Anyway, I need to go home!

Oh! Reading: Lee Child (go Jack Reacher); Marilyn Robinson; Zygmunt Bauman; and Louis L'Amour...

2008-11-24T19:36:00.002Z

Overwhelmed by the realisation that I've nothing interesting to say. But, for the sake of a moment or two - a quick update

spent several days at a pastor's conference -good, long, tired, friendly, enjoyed the speaking, but realise that my attention span is directly related to a lot of comfort levels. Went on my own and rediscovered again how intimidating it is to walk into a crowd of people eating and try and find somewhere to sit... Was quite disturbed by 'problem feeders' - the kind of people who want to know the details of bust-ups, splits, depressive illness, physical ailments, and somehow gain from it [similar to bottom feeders in a fish tank who absorb all the crap and grow... only dissimiar cos I'm not sure problem feeders clean the tank] ... Amazing how much pseudo-spirituality can be cloaked in prayers for ...

Also - really enjoyed (yeah, something positive!) a lot of the seminars: on the church, but more on a posture of humility, mercy and community. Good...
And, heard a sermon on Leviticus and crushed testicles, which was really interesting! :-) Probably not the kind of place a lot of preachers could go with a straight face! Anyway, very thought provoking, but typically nazbo in that it was impossible to spend much time processing - so I need to now! oh, wait, no time...
Also, a lot of conversations about 'welcoming' and inclusion. Quite brave conversations really - the question of 'the other' which I'm trying to look at in my Phd coming through again and again... esp. relating to homosexulaity and the church. Just realised I use a lot of elipses. Sorry.

Actually reminded a lot of my need to try and pray more, be rooted and grounded in scripture.

haven't cycled in two weeks (puncture/laze/ poorliness) and discovered that that's a) probably how long it takes for me to break a habit b) it was helping to make me slightly less low. SO, sherlock, you'd think I'd get back on that 'ole peddle machine, but so far... NO. Self-defeating.Argh. And it's gone cold.

Lots of people around who are depressed. Sometimes v. sympathetic, sometimes not. It's hard to feel helpless.

Umm, what else? Met up with lots of friends. Talked to various people = some moving into charismatic circles (for the emotion/ umph and so on) and some moving out of them (for the emotion/umph and so on) = trying to think about the role of the holy spirit in my life as pointing me to Christ, or shaping me, and feel a little unshaped...

Lots of babies coming (sometimes in multiples) that's pretty cool. (not for me, I don't mean, for loads of other people. )

Reading Isabelle Allende and really enjoying it.

Have the attention span of a blog-knat for anything else I'm supposed to be reading/doing. At the moment, have just given up on Phd for the night and am going home.

So - not a very bubbling over with happiness blog, but such is life.

facebook fatigue and other stories

2008-10-31T22:54:00.002Z

So - in my love/hate relationship with facebook, I'm off again. Although of course, you are (as I've discovered ) never really off No, facebook knows all about me. And you, and everyone you've ever met. My reasons for being off are really simple - I was discovering a lot of things about people that I didn't know - and more importantly, things about them that I didn't need to know. I like finding out about people face to face. I miss arranging to have coffee - but, for those who are in my life and close, I'm probably able to do that (drum roll please) in person For those far, far, far away -I'll probably cave and rejoin just to say hi every now and then. But for those of us who are friends, we're friends...

Anyway, we're dogsitting and have wifi... which makes it possible for me to do this and watch newsnight live. I'm being assaulted by Kirsty Wark's outfit, never mind the conversation. There are some really good things about radio.

I know, I sound Bah humbug and all that. I think it's because I've conceivably had the worst couple of weeks... topped off by a vain attempt on my part to get up, get going and WRITE, only to discover that my files were corrupted. On the bonus side: I've staved off a cold; been doing a little bit of detached on the estate near the church; held a five-day-old puppy; had two lovely friends send me coffee and chocolate; had coffee with others; resisted the urge to be outraged at the GMC [mercifully for some of you that will only relate to cars]; heard my dad give some great and thought-provoking lectures; and, unless something goes really wrong tomorrow I'll be able to be at the allotment for a good couple of hours.

So reading is all PhD focussed. Listening to Goldfrapp, Pocket Satellite and classical. Anxiously watching the US elections. Mourning with friends who've had difficult lives - death, burglaries, job, house loss...

Other good things [on church level] are that the church's allotment project is off/on the ground and we're part of a rolling night shelter for a small number of the destitute and homeless asylum seekers from November to March - (volunteers welcome at both :-0); and [on personal level] Andrew's been accepted for his PhD - though we still wait to see if there's funding...

Also, been watching with interest the implosion/ reforming of the emergent movement. Obviously significant for the last chapters of my never-likely-to-be-finished thesis. Tony Jones as the spokesman [sorry, coordinator] for emergent is gone, others are predicting the demise and still others are defending the whole shebang...

Well, Kirsty's bugging me, so I'm going to shut her off, and shut this down.

Reading Louis L'amour and other exploits

2008-10-14T18:38:00.002+01:00

So, there are a few things that bring me more pleasure than reading things that a) end well, b) have a familiar plot line c) have clear good/bad guys, and best yet d) you know that the good guy wins. Sad, I know. But I've always been a fan of simple. I think it stems from having such hefty doses of reality in life where bad wins as often as not, and ugly happens, and gets uglier... where people have crap lives, and where there's no end in sight for some of them... So, there. I like Louis. I also like Uncle Arthur's Bedtime stories. Donna Leon mysteries (although they often end in sorrow)and recently I've been trying to get my head around Bill Bryson's A short history of nearly everything... (or whatever it's called).

Anyway, I've given myself fifteen minutes to write this before I try and start writing PhD like things, where I use words like ecclesiology, eschatology and rubbish and mean them. It's been a really long week (does that sound familiar, I think I'm becoming like Eeyore). Some of that is because of people, and the sudden discovery that when people [me] take their eye off the ball, well, okay, maybe I mean Jesus, they [I] become quite petty. It's very difficult for me to elongate my patience, with myself, other people, and I'm finding that 'bitty' things are getting on my nerves - I honestly don't want to be preoccupied with little things, and I find myself thinking sometimes that if people [I] were involved in things that are bigger than themselves/ [myself] then the little things don't/ wouldn't seem to matter so much. In fact, it's a really odd phenomenon in my life: when I've had some kind of breakthrough, honest revelation, incredible moment, epiphany and so on, something infintisimally small creeps up and sucker punches me with the most incredible accuracy, right on my weakest spot and BHAM!!! I'm not who I should be. Argh. God grant me grace!

Read a book called The Great Emergence which has been really rated by some people. I was incredibly disappointed in it - found it superficial in its analysis, narrow in its focus and generally its thesis didn't grab me much. Neither Great, nor particularly helpful about emergence. And, it read a lot like Burke's A Heretic's guide to eternity which didn't really strike me as heretical, but reading it did seem like eternity. Ohh, I sound grumpy. Maybe I need some sugar (or fresh air).

On the other hand, I went to an Urban Expression hosted conference last week with Michael Frost as the speaker (of Exiles, etc) and REALLY was inspired. Some great stories, and really evocative about church. A British Billion miles away from Longsight in the kind of people-groups he encounters, but nevertheless really fascinating. Okay. Time's up. Back to my chapter. :-(

life

2008-09-24T22:04:00.001+01:00

Well, another month closer to the next year, and a lot still unfinished in my life...

Things have been really sad here lately – a lot of deaths, some expected, some not, a lot of bad news. A lot of sadness, tears and grief and almost constant reminders about the fragility of life.

At points, that leads me into a ‘what’s the point of all this’ mentality, and at other times it makes me certain that trying to do the best I can at whatever I’m doing at that point and time is the only way to honour those who’ve passed away already.

We’ve had a lot happening in the world of church – the start of term feels like the start of a new year somehow. So, lots of people back from holidays, a sense of anticipation since we hired a new manager for the compassionate ministries centre (she is a local lady, and already has started some incredible work), hired a new one-day a week pastoral team member, and... well, just a LOT going on. The allotment project is nearly fenced in and our first days of proper gardening are coming up!! The extra space is finally in approval stages (which means a small portacabin going up behind the church, which means more space!!!), the childcare from 8.30-3.30 daily (run by a local lady and her friends, all duly Ofsteded) is almost ready to go. Some amazing things are happening – when we think about it, it is staggering, and always boggles my mind. Early on, we had the hope of The Crossroads Centre being a full-time ministry, but we always imagined it would be run by church people for the community. Our learning curve has been steep, and now we’re in a place where the community is essentially ennobled, envisioned, empowered and equipped to run The Crossroads Centre for itself. I can’t really describe what I mean but it feels very much like we are dwelling with people and accompanying them into where God is already at work. (hmm. Very emergent sounding).

We’re back in that very real tension between relational ministry and the programmes that develops around relationships in a congregational setting. The amazing thing... about our church (and actually it makes me laugh out loud) is that sometimes we try and start things (small groups, services, and so on) and they utterly flop. Really, flop. Then, about two years later, someone emerges who ‘has an idea’ and they want to implement it, and their passion drives the development of exactly what we were thinking.... Only better. You’d think I’d/we’d learn! It’s organic stupid.

I was out visiting today – I get quite hyper sometimes afterwards, and really enjoy visiting, but we also had some funny moments. One was when the man I was visiting with (the new 1-dayer) told an older lady, who is a delight, that he was an identical twin, and she said “Oh, that’s lovely. Is your twin a boy or a girl?’ The other thing she does which always makes me laugh is talk about the “hambulance”... I also came home with a slab of wedding cake, laden with some serious Jamaican rum. It’s just as well I didn’t eat it before I drove because I could’ve been in real trouble.

Other things– been reading a LOT, some things that I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend (GloboChrist is one, Tokens of Trust another) and some things that I really have not enjoyed at all. (If you really want to know, e-mail me). Really. Not. At. All. Most of them are for the old PhD, which I’m seriously needing to work on... Need my first draft finished already, but since it’s not, then finished for December for sure. Crossing all the appendages of my body that will do that that I get it done, but sadly, have to keep uncrossing them to type... So there’s all my luck gone!

We were climbing a lot over the summer – which was good, and really stretching, and I’ve been cycling to the college almost every day. It is a lot quicker coming in the mornings than going home – I’ve found a great path that runs from near our house all the way out to a village not too far from the college, and it’s been great– no cars, hardly any people, a slight decline, and speed!! On the way home I’ve taken to riding through a park which is lovely and green. I don’t know why I don’t reverse the route, except for I have an idiosyncratic hatred of doing that...

The allotment is wonderful! Nearly half cultivated now, a lot of us trying hard, and seriously good food. When I think about the amount of Raspberries my mouth waters... Confessing that initially, none of them made it off the place, we would just wander through the bushes eating them, stained fingers, and juices swirling... Truly divine! We've made all our plans for next year and just need to get ordering... and digging...

umm, listening and liking Elbow, Royksopp, and some of the new coldplay album...

Right, can’t think of much else... Well, I can, clearly, but not for just now.

a month

2008-08-20T19:55:00.002+01:00

well, various things to report quickly, since I'm giving myself five minutes before thinking about contextual theology again!

*Andrew's bag (including his pen drive, wallet, car keys, etc., diary, house keys) stolen - resulting in
*his driving test being delayed
*changing all locks
*frustrating insurance conversations...

Which has resulted in trading in the poor little Yaris for an even more little Aygo.
Funnily enough, then we discovered that it's marketed at trendy young people :-) So, THERE! Finally.

Then... Andrew PASSED his driving test (prompting a lot of conversations with people about the various ways they've failed them!! Including my own sterling accounts of running over the parallel parking poles in my first test which made me famous at the Winnipeg test centre!)

Other things: still working on PhD. V. low about it, so think of me. It's a gritted teeth thing right now. And if I never read another emergent book after this... ! :-)

The weather is contributing to feeling BLAH for me and probably another zillion Brits only slightly alleviated by the Olympics... which is good.

The allotment is beautiful. Really and truly. Lots of cultivated land. We've got huge problems getting the raspberries home. In fact, so far we've not managed it. So, if you want any you need to come and eat them on site! BUT, there's still at least half of the land to cultivate, so...

We're going to the croft this weekend, no electricity, no potable water, no mobile reception, BLISS...

In terms of anything else, have had two lovely meals this week with friends, and hours of conversation afterwards. I love community like that.

And, my minutes are up.

Plus ca Change

2008-06-23T23:41:00.003+01:00

These last few weeks have been a blur - from one thing to the other - trying to get my head around life... Again!

Lots of processes of change and transition, 'life cycles' that are probably profoundly ordinary.

Watching good things happen and rejoicing in them. My sister[-in-law] a DR with the most wonderful response to a thesis... (please correct the ten typos and get it published... Dr Fach!) We knew she could do it.

There are always other changes rumbling along. It's funny, one of my theories, pretty well attested to, is that all change brings a sense of grief, so that a loss -though it can be good and celebrated - becomes also a small grief. Weddings, passing something, having a baby, buying a house, changing jobs and so on. Anyway, I don't know why I've been thinking that, probably because I watch a lot of changes happening, and some merit being full of grief -but others are just good but still grief lingers. I am, however, of a melancholic nature!

So - other things to think about: been reading What would Jesus Deconstruct - still! And other tomes. Been trying to decide what to do about life. Been gardening quite a bit, but not as much as I'd like. And, I got a bike - Funny conversation with Derek:

Me: Cycled to work today, forgot I'm a bad cyclist.
Him: Why, did you crash?
Me: No, but my legs are sore, and I can't remember how gears work.
Him: You will.

Now, I'd love to think he's refering to me remembering, but I am afraid he probably means I'll crash.... How's that for realism?!

Anyway, Andrew and I've just been in Grimsby - stayed with friends and I was preaching at the church. I loved it - it reminded me of trips there sleeping on the floor... sketches, singing and mad laughter... I also met a lovely godly woman Betty Grossmith - whose face is beautifully peaceful. I hope someday...

Right - I'd better go home.

On my way to Wales...

2008-05-31T00:32:00.005+01:00

Andrew and I've been married for four years - that seems like an age - but not long - all at the same time. It is funny thinking about how life expands with love.

One of my favourite ladies in the world died last weekend. Her name was Betty Singleton, and she was marvelous. A genteel yet no-nonsense woman, who'd worked on planes during the war, married a sailor who left on duty for four years after they'd been married a month, who remembered when Manchester had gotten gas lighting inside homes, and lived from age seven to eighty seven in the same house. She loved travelling and went on her own when her husband was too afraid to fly - she went all over Europe and never missed the opportunity to travel. I used to love visiting her, and listening to her stories. May her memory be eternal.

Thought I should just update quickly - back from IJ&TKofTCS.. and found it a little sad. I want to watch the other ones now, to remind myself of why I like them so much. I'm glad that Indie stuck with his first love though :-)

I've also just finished packing my books to leave for a week away staying at Ffalyd-y-Brenin in Wales, one of my favourite places in the world (I think it's linked on the side under beautiful space). I'm taking a lot of books - in the hope that it will inspire me to write, read and think. Some of them are books I've been meaning to read for an age - and others are ones that I HAVE to read... There's a lot of work to do - but am not sure how much I'll get done.

I've been thinking about a lot of things these last days - how integrity forms itself. The Sermon on the Mount. What the attraction of postmodernism is. How capitalism and consumerism infiltrates almost everything. The danger of e-mail (especially for someone hot-tempered and impetuous)and how much easier it is to isolate yourself behind various pieces of technology.

The allotment is wonderful right now- beginning to ooze with life - some orderly, some less so. I planted Nasturtiums at home everywhere I could and they are all coming up - I love plants that you can eat from stem to flower! Our Roses in the garden are also all blooming and smell beautiful.

So much has happened!

2008-04-10T08:48:00.010+01:00

I’ve been at home
I’ve been to Australia
And New Zealand
And I’m back again...

The time away was both stretching and exhausting, but also wonderful and refreshing.

Some amazing things:
Things that shed their bark instead of leaves
A wild Koala (NOT A BEAR!) outside the classroom window [necessitating a Koala break]
Lizards on our window
Wallabies
Birds that look like trees
Catepillars that look like snakes

And wonderful, generous, welcoming people –
The Logan Community Church - such a gift of hospitality - watching baptisms, a wedding, friendships, feasting (a LOT of food!) – empowerment of leaders, amazing friends – can you tell we/I loved it?
Sydney and Debbie and Loz, and the Kenthurst Church who made us welcome, and left me rendered helpless with laughter at Andrew and my duet on Singstar (suffice it to say we did better when we were laughing than when we were singing!!)
Esther and Eifion (and David and Jenny!) and the Botanical Garden picnic – how great to see friends
The gracious and gentle Dave Harris who ushered us around and we chatted for Australia!

And then the Kiwi bunch –So much thinking, and talking and sharing and listening, and HOPING... and walking on wonderful beaches, and seeing beauty and lushness

There – that’s a potted version... I’ll try and find a photo or two....

American Addictions -

2008-03-01T01:43:00.003Z

This is my last day in Quincy, MA, I leave tomorrow - maybe! It's supposed to snow, and I hope it does [cause I like it], but not so much that I can't go. I also have discovered that I DO NOT like Chicago international airport - I need to remember that!

I have discovered that there a tonnes of lovely people here - I've been treated with enormous grace, and feel like there are friends here. But I've also discovered several things about myself - 1) I am still prone to incredible nerves 2) If there is a TV around, and I have spare time, I am totally and utterly an addict - mostly to CSI, which is a little mad, since it also gives me nightmares. Yikes. Probably just as well that LOST hasn't been on! 3) I really am glad that I am not young anymore. I would not chose to be at college again for love nor money. 4) I have a long way to go to figure out community 5)I love graham crackers (a bit like digestives, only crunchier) and have an endless capacity for dill pickles.
I feel a little out of touch with home, but most of the news that has filtered through has not been the best. So much sadness, and pain, and life's fragility impacting so many, it is heart-wrenching.

Anyway, I should go.... Reading calls.

The wideness of mercy...

2008-02-27T19:27:00.003Z

I'm in a snowy place! I'd forgotten what it was like to hear the crunch of snow, and smell it in the air. And feel the crispness of it underfoot. It is beautiful - and pristine. I had a funny flashback experiece when I saw a half eaten apple tucked in a drift - shades of my brother leaving the apples from his lunch in a drift in Winnipeg, somehow thinking that they would vanish with the snow. Gotcha.

As I write this, I am just in from lunch at ENC with a lovely professor who is studying issues of identity - what a lovely and hospitable man. We chatted for ages, and talked especially about the appeal of anabaptism and the ideas of practicing peculiarity in community - it was good to think like that. He's writing his dissertation and drawing on Yoder, who I am fond of. I am knackered - woke up at 3am Boston time - argh. So - in a while I'll keep reading - I brought tonnes of books with me to get on with, in the meantime, I've got the news on and as I write there is a jury delivering a verdit on a man - whether to kill him or not. What a terrible, terrible thing. They have settled on 34 years without parole, I am glad.

It has been lovely to hear from people in the comments - thanks! And to hear such empathy! Why do we put ourselves through all this? Anyway, I am having fun thinking, [sometimes I don't] - and I can almost feel my brain stretching within me. It is so hard to keep in touch, isn't it? We are all stretched - but I hope that we are all also able to be holy in our learning to be un-busy.

Umm - apart from that not a lot else to say. Have been thinking about the diversity and plurality of holiness and what that means - and how to live widely and hopefully. Have also been thinking about why I am not keen on the church growth movement as marketing the church - and what it means to be part of an alive and organic community - I hope that I can figure things out soon. Also been thinking about weed - and its effects - and how terrible its impact is on the lives of people I love - and the abuse of alcohol and the terrible price paid by and for people who wrestle with that addiction. So - my brain is full!! Reading Rowan Williams, Tokens of Faith, and Diary of a Country priest, both of which are incredibly challenging. Also reading Coupland's 'The Gum thief'. I could swear he's in my head sometimes!

A good thing here: the trees are labelled - it is well cool, cause I can see what things are! I love it. I wish I knew them better at home - maybe it's a learning I can make.

So - not much else.... I love the title of Pinnock's book: A Wideness in God's Mercy - I would like to adopt it as a hermeneutic.

% of time blogging?

2008-02-13T21:21:00.004Z

The thing about books is that there are so many of them, I have an ever expanding shelf of 'to read' - I wouldn't feel so bad except that most of them are PhD related, and some of them are in the mental category of, hmm. Do I really want to read this? Anyway, several of them are compelling - which is good. So I've taken to reading the really interesting ones as a reward for tacking the nightmare ones. And then rewarding myself for reading them as a reward by reading some Wendell Berry poems. That works a little.

Anyway, sorry if it appears that my life has shrunk. It probably has. To a Phd size. I feel pretty boring about that.

We had the funny experience of trying to give percentage values to our work today. I realised with a lot of gratification that: (a) I am in the position of having jobs (2 of them in fact) (b) both are ones where I can legitimately put 'talking, thinking, reading, visiting' down as acts that merit something other than a reprimand (c) I have the luxury of setting my own schedule and trying to live up to it. That is good. [I'm not sure where facebook/blogging fits in all that so I do it out of hours, but I would argue that for some people it may in fact be critical for their work - thoughts?] However, the funniest part was trying to get a percentage. For instance - do I assume that my working week is in fact below 40 hours. It's not. Never has been. Do I factor in term time (where it can be CRAZY albeit not this term) - or non term time - where it is busy, but paced...? Since I'm seconded from the college for pastoring, do I count that as work? You begin to see the dilemma - Anyway, it amused me for a time. [for those of you who know my relationship with maths it will send you into hilarity!]

I'm currently trying to think about some lectures, sermons, and my classes, and am discovering that all of them are morphing in my brain, so I should probably head home. I've stayed longer than I intended to tonight -

Still can't decide about facebook. Or mobiles. Or housephones. Terry Eagleton, at Manchester University - apparently can only be contacted by post. I wonder what difference that would make to my life? or yours. Also, I was very sad that the last speaker of a northern language died this last week. (her obit's in the economist). Truly tragic.

Quarterly blogs - does anyone read this?

2008-02-04T21:02:00.000Z

Not that it matters, I guess.

Anyway, it's February already, and I am way too behind. Lots of things to think about - am on a course with Manchester Met Uni on leadership which I'm finding really interesting. Quite fascintating the things that you discover about yourself. I've decided I quite like learning. Am not a great fan of group work, but process a lot out loud (translation: verbally) but also need SPACE. I've got a strange affair going on with Facebook. Not sure whether I like it, or not. Feel very vulnerable 'd brower latz has moved! at 21.06' kind of scary - and not sure whether or not I need to know everything about everyone else... Anyway, I deactivated my account, then reactivated it... then - well, you see.

Listening to Foo Fighters at the moment [courtesy of Matt Norris] and taking a brief break from reading The Bottom Billion which I'm finding a little frustrating. Yes, it's for my PhD. No, I'm not sure it's that helpful. But I need to start writing... soon. I find that the evening (when it's silent here) is conducive to writing - except that I no longer appear to be a 24 hour person - that is, if I get up at 7 I want to do nothing in the evening, but chill out and go to bed. At home, awaits Animal, Vegetable, Miracle which I'm loving and would LIKE to read, but instead I'm here. Trying to motivate myself [and simultaneously avoid the Tunnock's caramel wafer which is in my drawer as a sugar-low-remedy. I'm not having a sugar low, but it is HONESTLY calling to me!].

Other things that are happening to me: i'm thinking alot about intimacy in community. Watching things going on that are brutal in some of my loved ones' lives. Learning that sometimes I'm very rude - generally not on purpose - or very abrupt. And, rediscovering that if one bit of life is out of kilter, everything is. Which sucks, since often at least one bit is! Thinking about Italian Spinone dogs [i'd like one]. Thinking about time - and when and how I lost control of it. Struggling to figure out which way to go next. Wrestling with BIG questions for church [which way now, why, who, when?] and trying to think theologically and not just intuitively.

Someday I'll write about the revelations I've been having and the learnings I've made...:-)

Well, I may as well be blogging...

2007-11-23T20:23:00.000Z

Things I've been thinking about lately:

Time: words like relentless, 'tired', the un-proverbial ticking clock - of PhD work. Seeing less and less of friends. The balance of people to see, space, thinking, working... All on my mind.
Love: the nature of hearts expanding in love and not shrinking.
Generosity and Hospitality: what does it mean to live hopefully with space?
Books: yikes. I have so many to read.
PhD: why? oh why? oh why am I doing this?

Friends: new ones and old ones, and how great they are. [Had the BEST American Thanksgiving meal with some new ones last night. Delicious food, great conversation, and fun to have hours over a meal.]

Controversies: 3 (one I didn't know about, two I did)

I. the question of discipline in community, and rhythms of life - point of controversy (for some): that I don't attend morning prayers at the college I work in. SHAME ON ME.

I've been thinking about this, and I don't know if my thinking is good/bad/ugly. I used to go to them. But they were, hmm, not very good, SO I got frustrated, and found that I wasn't really praying, I was just getting het up. So, God and I talked about it, and I felt at the time that maybe I needed to not go - and pray earlier/elsewhere/other times instead, and have a right attitude. That way, when I get to my 8.45 class, I am, well, 'good' in spirit. However, I DO recognise an inherent problem in this. I think discipline in community is important. Of course, I also don't see NTC as my PRIMARY community, but ... anyway, I am thinking about it.

Incidentally, we were talking about the ancient practices of faith at church last week. That discipline, was both a blessing and a challenge. We are talking about how we can join together in fasting, praying, scripture mediation and practices of justice. I am looking forward to this Sunday.

Controversy II: The question of planting a church... or not... or yes... or not... This is an INTERNAL controversy. I think that reproduction is healthy. very. I think too that organic places grow organically. That such growth needs regular pruning, shaping and cultivation. I also think that it is entirely possible for churches to grow too big (A la Roxburgh: jungle and swamp)... so, the question of "what next for Longsight?" is a good one. But, it has me endlessly restless, and thinking, thinking. We have so many places around Manchester, that perhaps 'planting' or 'reproducing' is what we should be doing - but the question of ethos comes into it... identity...

Then... III. apparently our [well, okay, my] penchant for tinkering/bastardising words has caused some controversy on World of Sven - I'll leave it for there, but I read the comments, and would (pastorally and theologically) stand by what we've done :-)

Anyway, back to grading!

Hiatus

2007-09-27T22:55:00.000+01:00

Well, time is vanishing before my eyes. Pressure ratcheting up. Two days after we arrived back from Canada I headed to beautiful California - and I mean gorgeous. Spent a week in the hospitable and beautiful environment of Point Loma Nazarene University. I really, really enjoyed the space - but I truly enjoyed the time. Mostly the time with some of my 'old' friends - occasional but deep friends. People I both admire, and think of as extraordinary. People who have bumper stickers like: When Jesus said, "Love your enemies," I think he probably meant don't kill them on their walls. Wonderful. Really. Good conversation. Time to be. Challenging. For example see this: Social Justice Gates' style A wonderful time to think. Imagine. Time to create space for all that was and is to come. Or do I mean have space created in me? Not a void, but a waiting place... not empty, but whole. Anyway... it's late!!

There were several things I found incredibly interesting: the quest for social justice over there is (once again) so much more clear and driven by real visible problems and pain. Partly, a reflection of injustices that seem more evident - particularly in issues of migrant workers... But also because there is a strand of Christianity (it seems to me) that has willingly and prophetically urged itself on (you might say been urged on)...and has carved out a niche for itself.
Part of the discussion that I heard snippits of was related to homosexuality - I know that this is an enormous issue for the church, but at points I reflect desmond tutu's view:

For one to penalise someone for their sexual orientation is the same as penalising someone for something they can do nothing about, like ethnicity or race.
"I cannot imagine persecuting a minority group which is already being persecuted."

I don't know all the answers, and I certainly want to reject the labels, certainly within our church I'd much rather have someone openly struggling with sexuality (whatever their orientation) than lying and hiding and leading a double life. And I would expect that anyone would be perfectly welcome amongst us - if not, that would be OUR sin, not their's. Anyway, this is not particularly thought through, and of course, I have friends from a range of perspectives, but still... huge issues to grapple with -that must be grappled with in hope, honesty, with deep love and respect and godliness . Particularly since often the 'official'language of the church is - at best - well... I don't even know that I have the words. God grant us all great grace.

I've been reading Dante and Berry some more. Good. And I am trying frantically not to get so far behind in PhD'ing that I can never catch up - so, like many others I am likely to take a hiatus from blogging. And Face book (aka 'spybook') and Bebo and anything else that I've been hornswoggled into...

On the home front, there's a lot happening too. The best right now, is the birth of Oliver Michael Jan Bielecki, who is gorgeous, and sweet, and a wee delight. Also very good is Andrew's distinction on his MA [he won't tell you, but I will :-)]
Amongst the worst, my uncle Bill's death this week [May his memory be eternal], and the ongoing trauma of Derek Blair's arrest and ultimate court case. The very worst - a dear friend terribly ill- much grief, pain, anguish, anger, frustration - and I find myself over and over again thinking that cancer is representative of all that is wrong, and broken in the world. I look for a way through in solidarity with those who mourn. I hope for the space to sit and be with others who are groping for a way forward.

I read this on another blog [Tony Jone's] by Robert Frost, and liked it. It intuitively fits with so much of the Wendell Berry I've been reading - time, space, meaning, others mattering. I think that most of all we all want to have meaning - and enable others to have meaning too. Stopping sometimes helps that happen.

A Time to Talk

When a friend calls to me from the road
And slows his horse to a meaning walk,
I don't stand still and look around
On all the hills I haven't hoed,
And shout from where I am, What is it?
No, not as there is time to talk.
I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,
Blade-end up and five feet tall,
And plod: I go up to the stone wall
For a friendly visit.

SDG, anon

More from across the pond

2007-09-03T21:39:00.000+01:00

beloved grandpa
Andrew's first Western ride

And more from Canada. . .

So, we're having the most lovely, relaxing time. Reading, thinking, walking, chilling, learning so many things. As I write, we're watching a CFL game, with Ken and Darlene and Terry Fach - fantastic home-made pepper jelly and cream cheese crackers. Terry is enacting plays and teaching Andrew more of the nuances of the rules.... We've played a lot of tennis these last couple of weeks. Spent time with the reigning Canadian Amateur Golf champion (my cousin Nick! Brilliant) Andrew has met more and more family members, and we've had great conversations about all kinds of things.

It is a wonderful country, I'd forgotten. Mentally, we are gearing up to come back - though I leave on Sunday for Califormia so it won't be a long touchdown for me.

Oh, Canada

2007-08-18T03:53:00.000+01:00

So far, we are having a marvellous holiday - warm weather, great food, western horseback riding, pickles and now a canadian football match... wonderful hospitality, and lots of great chats.. did i mention great food? Andrew has learned how to pickle - beans, jalapeno, cucumbers, carrots, zucchini,AND make pear jam. We went to a great farmers market, and it was a wonderful display of fresh goods. The Hutterite community was selling a lot of it, and it was quite intriguing to see them - cowboy hats and polka dot scarves, long skirts and braces. I have always been attracted to the peace communities, and have tremendous admiration for the anabaptists in history.

Read a lot on the plane - Andrew read a book that I recently finished - The Irresitible revolution - we both found it quite challenging. We leave to Wainwright tomorrow and I'm really excited/nervous to be going there - and am so glad Andrew's with me.

Outraged as part of my study...

2007-08-09T16:17:00.000+01:00

I've been looking at various social issues. Including just coming across the most frightening thing I've heard of in a long time: The Terminator Technology - built in bio genetically engineered sterility in seeds.

As Was:
varieties of rice in India: 200 000
varieties of apples in USA: 7000
varieties of potatoes in Andes: 3000
varieties of sweet potatoes in PNG: 5000
varieties of wheat in china: 10 000

What a world.

Between that, patenting seeds and the privatisation of water I'm thoroughly depressed.

August & the harvest begins...

2007-08-07T17:58:00.001+01:00

The end of a long day - just enough time left to show you some of the fruit of our labour! That is one BIG marrow! And also,
there is one of the lovely Steve and Bryony's wedding day... (the order is a bit random, since I don't understand quite how to add them...

or move them). You'll get the gist though...

It was a lovely day...

a no good very bad horrible day - I want to move to australia but probably wouldn't qualify :-(

2007-07-27T22:14:00.000+01:00

well, after the gloom and doom of my last post - how does this sound?:

mum hurt leg
drbl walking sheppa
sheppa in heat (do I need to go on?)
other lady in park not very nice (if you are reading this and have a Cairn terrier called Molly and live in didsbury I'm really sorry, okay?)
computer not working
frustration
trying to work on job description
frustrating
trying to explain myself to others
frustrated
PhD supervision meeting (***good - so far, so good, 4 drafts in, 6 to go***)
leave meeting, trip on curb
car has flat tire
***nice man changes tire***
car brakes not working
(ABS) sign on - no idea what means, drive to place, stop, look at manual. it says when (ABS) shows, STOP CAR IMMEDIATELY CALL DEALER - what?! How are you supposed to know that?
borrow car
dad's just changed insurance, so probably not insured (*later find out i am, so that's good)
printer not working
curses
other printer out of toner
computer crashes... ?!
Faint smell of Burning
coffee in pot roughly consistency of tar, forgot to turn it off...

Anyway, actually - it is all okay (generally I write nothing when it's not!) . I'm smiling, and getting ready for the north district Nazarene holiday (Northbreak) where I am speaking on social justice. I'm really looking forward to it - though am, as ever, nervous. Andrew is coming, and it will be one of his first inductions into British Nazarene-dom... It is so lovely that his boss gave him the time, and I'm looking forward to his impressions -

Apart from that - I've been trying hard to write, think and read. So many books, so little time. Nearly through SexGod, which is okay, but not earthshaking... on the other hand, been re reading Solitude, by Nouwen, which is wonderful. And all those Phd books... which are also interesting (to me) - of course. Also getting my head around Terry Eagleton's How to read ... which is fascinating and stretching.

We did a Food hygeine course this week - and a test - don't know yet if I've passed, it was really difficult: sample question:

Which is important in a kitchen?
a) to spit in the food you prepare
b) to use your T shirt as a drying towel for dishes
c) to pick up food from the floor and say "three second rule"
d) to wash your hands thoroughly...

Church is grace-filled - thanks so much for those of you who've been praying it sustains us greatly. We have wonderful people... On that front: We've sold the manse now and are trying to think about 'what next?'

Other good things:
Derek and Sandra moved to Buxton and Leon likes me! (I think he used to think I was Derek and freak out when he heard my voice, so it's nice that he likes me now. We both like slugs and worms, I think that might be why!). Anna just kind of hangs out an Uber-chilled out baby!
Katie is talking in sentences, so that's cool
and Emily is toothy - and growing by the second.

And so - that's about all folks.

4 minute blog

2007-07-16T17:58:00.000+01:00

Well, things have been a bit difficult lately - high stress of a Ph.D is gradually upon me (read us - since Andrew suffers with me); being chronically behind is a niggling, head-pecking thing; more tests at hospital (which the consultant is chuffed by, since I'm a mystery!), and recently the tragedy of Manchester has really hit our church hard - I've thought long and hard about that - and about the reality that our congregation is nitty-gritty, vulnerable, and pain-filled. A blog isn't really the place for descriptions of pain, so I'll leave it at saying that our congregation is in the midst of trying, trying times; and is seeking grace upon grace to respond to every facet of pain we encounter. If you are a praying friend, please pray. The 'why' questions that face humankind are very much upon us.

I am much taken by the first verse of a poem/blessing encountered on Jonny Baker's blog:

on the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

Good News

2007-07-04T14:43:00.000+01:00

I, along with many others had tears brought to my eyes today at the news that Alan Johnston has been released. I think that in the midst of a wet July it was a wonderful way to start the day.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/6267928.stm

Other than that, not much to report. PhD pains, allotment growth, steady downpours, thunder and lightening, my church appraisal tonight, so much to think about & do, so, back to it.

Pride and Joy

2007-06-08T08:39:00.000+01:00

Here are some photos of the allotment for those I've been promising them to for a while... They represent much hard work...patience, perseverance, laughter, and rhythms of joy.

rhubarb & gooseberry bushes,
Potato and beans
onions and carrots
Cabbages & Brussels sprouts with a net... broccoli in foreground.

Of course this represents only about a third :-) The rest is there in wilderness state waiting....
It is hard to describe the satisfaction in creativity, planting, earth, tilth, sun, rain... the seeming miracle of a seed growing. We are eating more broad beans than I knew existed at the moment... all from tiny mother seeds. Incredible.

And now, to create a paper....

Three good years~ Thanks be to God

2007-05-30T08:58:00.001+01:00

Check out my hair! Quite funny... Anyway, we celebrated at 'That Cafe' last night... delicious.
Still far, far behind. Am trying to put allotment photos up... And, what else? Esther's birthday (be blessed, Esther, you are missed), Geordan's birthday - (a fellow PhD sufferer)... dreaming of Camping in Canada (Matt, we would LOVE to visit you) and avoiding cougars/bears/road kill stews...

ho hum

2007-05-21T18:49:00.000+01:00

Today I'm in the land of 'it's just a hard freda khaning slog, and I can't be bothered.' That poses a problem for me, since I HAVE to be bothered. But, because I can't be bothered by this, I am being bothered by all sorts of other things... ahh. the mind.

Another interesting ethical dilemma ...

2007-05-21T11:16:00.001+01:00

Betrayal

2007-05-10T14:07:00.000+01:00

Last night in our group some of us discussed the heartbreak and pain of working alongside people whose very lives lead them to be people who betray, lie, and tell stories in order to gain, use, gather. As Christ-bearers I think that the element of suffering, of allowing yourself to be betrayed, used, scorned is one of the most difficult lessons of all. It is certainly one where my theology, reading of Scripture and inner-most self has the most tension (my coat being ‘borrowed’ is a good example of this: I’m supposed to give my shirt too, but meantime, my feelings of impotency, frustration, cynicism, and yes, betrayal gnaw away at me – until I finally manage to come to a point of ‘letting go’ – I can’t begin to tell you how long that takes me, or how difficult I find it, EVEN believing that The Other is more important than my material possessions, which are really only fiction anyway…). How do I love people who will habitually lie to me? That is normally considered a violation of something sacred ~ trust even. How do I KEEP loving people, and forgiving? That Jesus and his seventy-times seven! How do I… anyway, just some random thoughts that thinking about poverty all morning have led me into.

In some ways the overt lying of some ~ addicts, users, prostitutes, desperate women, men, even children is hard – wearing – frustrating – despair-inducing.

In other ways, I find that easier to ‘let go of’ or forgive than more ‘middle-class’ betrayal: the sense of power gamesmanship people engage in, the subtle lies, pretences, negotiations, the fear of popularity waning, or life being boring, so filling it with nothingness of activity, the banal-ness. Or, the kind of persuasive lies that surround us in advertising, music, media… And that we agree to when we ‘buy into’ it all. The sense that we whinge – a lot – about our lives, weight, health, work, money, and so on, and somehow have not learned what it means to be ‘at peace’ within our community, within our selves. And that somehow we short-change our world, each other, and God with our narcissism. [I feel like I should be writing disclaimers here - not all thinking about internal wellness, or questioning, or depression, or blues, or hurt is being narcissistic; not all complaints are ill-founded, and so on, it's just that sometimes I think that I (for one) forget that there's MORE to life that I allow there to be, and that meaning has to come from more than just coexistence...].

Anyway, I came across this ‘mantra’ and liked it (I think via Mark Scandrette’s blog, but I can’t remember right now)

To Creator, obedience
To creation, service
To each other, community

In all things, love
In all things, love

For life, prayer
With possessions, simplicity
In our world, creativity

In all things, love
In all things, love

The seven vows of the community: Creativity, Prayer, Community, Service, Obedience, Simplicity and Love.

Pretty interesting. Of course, I always have the who, what, why, how questions… but still, I like it.

PS. Robert, I totally get it about the dual-citizen thing, and although I'm further away from it now in real terms, I still have the whole take a person out of Canada... thing.

Scootching

2007-05-04T18:37:00.000+01:00

If you've ever read Anne Lamott, you'll be familiar with this concept of creeping your way towards things... somewhat slowly, and sometimes hopefully, sometimes not so much of the hopeful.
Well, today has been scootching for me. 1000 rubbish words that at the moment I can't even bring myself to read back, and a feeling of hollowness that echoes every now-and-then, and way deep inside, a feeble little voice saying, 'oh help' and various other things.

Anyway, in no particular order the things I've been thinking about:

friendship
sweet-peas
God-ness
messy lives
class systems :-)

We went to York with our dear friends Steve and Jo, Seth and Shaw, (and Steve's parents Willis and Melody) and ate at Andrew's favourite cafe [not quite in the world, but at least in York] Cafe Concerto. Then we wandered around: lots of laughing, joy, and some hilarious moments.
My favourite:
Seth to Andrew: tell me a noun
Andrew: do you know what a noun is?
S: a person, place or thing
A: what about an adverb?
S: hmm. let me ask my mom. (exits, returns)
S: an adverb has a LY, so, like for CHEESE it would be LYCHEESE... !!!

It was hilarious. What a lovely wee guy. Shaw (his older brother) is a wee bit more quiet, but also mischievous, and full of the joy of life - great kids. It seems to me, that great kids often reflect great parents. hmm.

Let's see: not much else. I find the elections interesting. Levenshulme (where we live) is Lib Dem. It was interesting (to me) that the Local Green party had more votes than the conservatives. There is an enormous local interest in recycling, green electricity, and so on.

Then, there's Scotland. SNP with the majority. The reason I find it so interesting is that part of me thinks that borders/nationalism are part of a powerful and compelling imaginative philosophy at work, that typically divides, destroys and creates enormous problems. (proof: the world). On the other hand, change, a renewal, the possibility of new ways for a nation, the hope that brings is also powerful. I don't know about Scots-English relations - I find racism both ways offensive, and think that there's a lot of it, but I also don't know what (other than grace) will change that. Sometimes the church seems to echo it.

My own feelings towards national identity are complicated (though probably not interesting). I never introduce myself as English (though I am often identified that way and I am 'from England') but I am British -: though not only British. I strongly identify with Europe, but I am not only European. [I have friends who do not resemble at all the nations that they come from, only the nations that they have become from (if you see what I mean) and often think about this issue.] There are most definitely parts of me that are 'Canuck' - but, I have lived here for: (I can hardly believe this!) 27 years. I think I am more here than there, but: prairies, 'the farm', hockey, -30 temperatures, big sky, french immersion have most definitely shaped me too...

On my lunch break

2007-04-30T13:53:00.000+01:00

That can be read on so many levels.

So, today I am trying to write about the Enlightenment, but... while I take a break from the rationalists of the world, I thought I would post another photo. This one evoked emotion, seemed so sad, and so very much where I live. It is on an allotment door, a stone's throw away from our green and holy space. [It seems to juxtapose itself with part of my sermon from yesterday, where I tried to read a passage in reverse (an idea from another website from Australia, but I can't rememberr which one, it just sank into my spirit), in the hope that I would think about the 'forward' version differently]:

I am without a leader, my need is endless. I never have enough.
My want is endless.
Concrete surrounds me, and I get no rest;
I am aimless as I wander,
and the torrents surround and overwhelm me.
My soul is restless, empty, needy.
I take myself frantically in multiple directions,
trying to find a good way… my own reputation I make.
When I go through bad places, I jump at shadows, I am alone. So alone.
My enemies mock and laugh, and scorn me.
I am hungry, and thirsty, and untouched and alone.
Nothingness, No mercy, Un mercy surrounds me, I am alone… forever

I am really thankful for the mercy of The Forward version:

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I fear no evil;
for you are with me; your rod and your staff-- they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD my whole life long

On barefeet (and finally being able to post photos~thanks Lou)

2007-04-30T09:39:00.000+01:00

I love bare feet. Not necessarily to look at, but the feel, the shape of the earth under them. And, then I came across this poem by Alastair McIntosh, called transfiguration from Love and Revolution.

barefoot, you know the touch of flesh on earth
some rivulets are warming to the step
they've long flowed over sunny slopes
and others keekit coyly from the spring
...they're the icy-feeling ones
to cup the hands and drink

and you tread the ground more gently
when out walking in this way
you don't cut in with hard-heeled boots
but softly contour toes
to grip the land on equal footing
leaning forwards better seeing what is waiting on to be found there
on passing by unharming over emerald sod set in
with mandalas of tormentil that salve the heart pursed open now
a golden blossomed harmony, a sermon of small things

a view of my mind

2007-04-23T19:02:00.000+01:00

I have the mind of a flea. or a fruit fly. Something that leaps around a lot, goes no where very deep, and manages to create a lot of scratching.

Anyway, I have about five minutes before I head out to a Crosseyed Meeting - oh, I mean crossroads. I am knackered, having spent most of the day thinking about the Enlightenment. And no, I'm not. Enlightened, I mean.

Umm. Not much else to say. I've planted tomatoes, peas, and another rhubarb crown in the allotment, as well as a gooseberry bush called 'careless' (that's its real name, not one we've given it!) and we've cleared a heap of the rubbish (the usual: car doors, petrol cans, broken glass, asbestos sheets... you know, the tame stuff). I often feel a little sympathy for Spinoza and Baron D'Holbach, for the only way I can describe it is to say that for me nature gives me a real sense of the sacred. (I don't mean I completely agree with them, you understand).

Finished reading Jayber Crow. Wonderful, powerful, beautiful, faithful book.

Found this about the leading intellectuals of the eighteenth century in the press: they were “…habitually satirizing priests as perverts, friars as gluttons, monks and nuns as lechers, theologians as hair-splitters, inquisitors as sadistic torturers, and Popes as megalomaniacs.” I thought that it didn't sound all that different. Perhaps inquisitors would be called 'soldiers' and Popes, 'Prime ministers / Presidents' but apart from that.... (It's in Porter's The Enlightenment, p. 34)

Am thinking allot about weed again - just watching it swathe through lives and tear them apart. I think I can safely say I hate it.

(Wow, this post is really demonstrating my flea-like tendencies!).

Quote of my week:

Deirdre to Artum aged 8 in the church service: "What is your favourite thing?" Pause. Artum "God"... (Congregation: "ahhh")
Deirdre to Masha aged 4 in the church service: "What is your favourite thing?"
Pause. "Playing with Barbies...."
I love kids.

redemptive moments

2007-04-18T07:59:00.000+01:00

Some of you will not know tommy, and I will find it hard to describe him. he is always the same age to me. a slightly awkward, but astute, loving, but difficult character. he is one of the most faithful members of our community, and often has depths of insight, challenges, that otherwise may remain unspoken. he is greatly loved. Last night his house burned down, and his dog died, and he is grieving. The fire officers that came out were wonderful to him - and provided such an act of grace. the police had given him a contact person to come and remove his dog, for a fee - £60. no one I know has that kind of money readily available, and tommy less so. but, a while later, the fire officer phoned and said that he and his crew had had a 'conflab' and 'if tommy signed off on it', they'd bury the dog, 'and give him a marker.' It was such a redemptive moment in an otherwise terrible night. And tommy was so pleased. He said 'ta, very much.' But I think he meant more than that.

A post-script to the 'fear of death as the thing'

Mark commented that people he is with don't think about death [or something to that effect]. I think that makes death exactly the thing. But more, I think that 'fear of death' does not just mean physically expiring, but touches our lives - from politicians to office workers, from allotment gardeners to us all. Maybe the concept of death is much more broad than we realise - so there is death of emotion, meaning, purpose, youth, friendship, hope, love, expectation. There is fear of death that touches our relationships to aging, our families, our jobs... I think that is how I understood Sam. And, for example, in the church - this fear permeates and touches upon change, and recognition, speaking out, and reconciliation...

Anyway. I need to keep working.

The great, unearned beauty...

2007-04-13T22:29:00.000+01:00

Here's something I read that I resonated with...

I said what about my eyes?
“Keep them on the road.”
I said what about my passion?
“Keep it burning.”
I said what about my heart?
“Tell me what you hold inside it?”
I said pain and sorrow.
He said:
“stay with it.” ~Rumi

from a thought provoking site in Oz.

And this: ‘Believers in Christianity are called in this age to become once again wanderers’

I've been thinking a lot about exile, and return. About longing for change, and being lost in the wilderness. About grace and suffering all in the one.

I am still gurgitating the conference in Amsterdam, but some of the hope-for-change seemed to me to lie in the older, white, male, north-american leadership both BEING THERE and GETTING IT. That is a funny thing for me to write, but I have experienced it over, and again, that for instance, as a female in ministry, for me to 'fight that corner' always appears to be agenda laden, whereas for some of my dogged, male friends to do the same... or to call me 'pastor' seems to provoke thought. There are such issues of POWER at work in that though.

[That is not to say, incidentally, that I don't defend, or believe in the need to defend women in ministry, or that I leave it to the boys, just that it is so difficult at points to believe that people take seriously the person 'from below.' Vive liberation. This is a huge question, but it is almost impossible for me to explain fully how it feels, subjectively, to have the heart-of-yourself called into question so casually... 'Women shouldn't be in the pulpit', or 'I'd have you as a server' or ... you get the picture.] The grace in suffering theme is one that keeps echoing you see.

Here are other things I've thought in no apparent order - all related to Amsterdam [or GTII as it was affectionately dubbed]:

*That giving away power is liberating. But hard to do.
*That my generation still wants permission to ask questions, but will ask them regardless. That we care about Authentic answers, not just answers. [I'd rather be told an unpalatable truth, than be lied to, or hear duplicitous responses]
*That restructuring any church is an enormous task, but that a holy subversion of any wedded-to-the-wrong-powers structure that exists is part of the calling of people in covenant with Christ
*That the issue of diversity seems to me to be often associated with control and fear of compromise...
*That being proactive in 'bringing people to the table' has to be balanced with genuinely giving people voice, not just making people 'tokens'
*That the question of magesterium is a huge one for any church [bar the ancients, I guess]... Who determines what is essential and non-essential?

I/we the conference heard [I nearly wrote herd, that was a funny slip!]- via Sam Vassel [quoting Longfellow (?) I think]: that 'fear of death' is the thing. That struck so many chords with me, I can hardly describe it.

And, I'll [nearly] leave you with Wendell Berry from Jayber Crow & the thought of our beingness:

Back there at the beginning, as I see now, my life was all time and almost no memory. Though I knew early of death, it still seemed to be something that happened only to other people, and I stood in an unending river of time that would go on making the same changes and the same returns forever.
And now, nearing the end, I see that my life is almost entirely memory and very little time. Toward the end of my life... I begin to understand that whenever death happened, it happened to me. That is knowledge that takes a long time to wear in. Finally it wears in. Finally I realised and fully accepted that one day I would belong entirely to memory, and it would then not be my memory that I belonged to, and I went ... to see if there was any room left besides my parents' graves. I learned that there was room for one more; if it belonged to anybody, it belonged to me.

We've been at the allotment a lot. It seems a prerequisite. What a joy. We have friendly birds, ladybirds galore, worms, a great spider [I like it, Andrew not] and serious planting happening... kohl rhabi, cauliflower, beans, peas, leeks, onions, carrots, herbs... rhubarb. It's great. And, although our greenhouse blew away/over, and we have almost no glass left in its sadly twisted little frame, we have high hopes that it too can be rescued. The notion of such beauty, and work, cojoined, being part of being fruitful seems wonderful to me, and grace-full...

my fish is still alive

2007-04-12T18:00:00.000+01:00

Well

I am home. Listening to Sigur Ros/ Jose Gonzalez /Regina Spektor/ Joanna Newsom, and recuperating after trying to clean my office, my house, my mind.

Deconstructing Amsterdam

Since my last post I’ve mostly been in Amsterdam at the “Global Theology Conference.” It was an interesting experience. In order of joy-moments,

1. The people, the people [old & new friends]
1. The idea of reconciliation was brought up, developed and became a word-on-the-lips-for-this-moment.
2. The ‘up-all-night’ with Larry and Jamie, chatting and laughing
3. The ‘graduate student’ group experience
4. The Eucharist being celebrated [waitforit] not ONCE but TWICE
5. The small group idea [though somehow I missed the e-mail asking me to lead a small group, and therefore missed saying no, and therefore one of the worlds’ worst ‘small group facilitators’ ended up trying to facilitate one. Argh]

I am still ruminating on the overall experience. My perennial dilemma in being a Nazarene is the question of what that actually means. If there is a spectrum of thinking allowed, then I think I am on the Wesleyan end. What, you might ask, does that mean? It means a swimming pool not a font. The various potentials within a Wesleyan embrace allowing multi-faceted thinking and also permits a range of views to be held, and considered legitimate. The possibility of being allowed to think as a believer of the historical creeds and a postmodern questioner, the room for perspectives to be at the table, the ability to share story as something that genuinely matters… it’s all there.

Things I wasn’t comfortable with [does that matter? Comfort and theology have never been good bedfellows, I don’t think]:
I didn’t think it was a joined-up-thinking conference. The summative papers were great, but somehow I was left wanting …
The maleness of it – though it makes for wonderfully few queues at the ladies’ loo, it was still very masculine, from the first platform, right the way through to the conveners of the ‘discussions’
The lack of ability for presenters to respond to their respondents… The conversation was limited [perhaps I am just speaking for myself…]
Several people seemed to hint that this was a more gracious conference than the Guatemala experience [a lot of you will be clueless as to what I mean, but there we are] which was tense. True. One of the reasons for that was that the sharp, edgy, outsidethebox thinkers are now, well, outside the box. I found that a point of grief. AND, I guess it makes me inside the box as well, which I don’t really like.

Funny things:
A man-who-shall-remain-nameless said to me 'well done, gal.' hmmm. [was that a cross-cultural experience?!]
Another man said 'you're likeable on the platform' [code which became relatively clear in the rest of the conversation] but your paper was pretty crap...!
I accidentally [really] ordered a drink with alcohol when I was out with a group of Southern Nazbo's. I don't know if they noticed, but I did have thought bubbles going on over their heads about 'Europeans'

Longsight

Well, I’m back at the Community Church of the Nazarene Longsight. It was so lovely to see friends/family again, and people who know my name. We celebrated the Resurrection at the Ancient-Future service [with some quite comical moments thrown in, ah, to be home], and then had Church@4, which was even more, well, chaotic.

Levenshulme

My overwhelming sense of being at home was probably summarised by the litter, watching a drug deal go down with a mum using her pram [complete with baby] as the drop-point, and a 4x4 mow down a pedestrian and smash them into the door frame of TopKapi a local takeaway. So, welcome back.

Actually, I had forgotten that Levenshulme was so deprived. It is probably because I was in the gloriously litter free Lowlands, preceded by the relatively clean Kansas City, that the culture-shock of it all struck me.

Fortunately, Andrew and I have been able to go walking, and [since I gave myself Easter Week off] we’ve been at the allotment daily. Planting, thinking, talking - hoping for answers to questions we are still trying to articulate.

Anyway, a lot is happening in my head, so who knows what will happen, in the meantime…

I’ve started reading Madelaine L’Engle as a devotional writer again. Her writing moves me. And I’ve gotten Andrew totally and utterly hooked on Anne Lamott! I consider that a triumph of good taste.

packing

2007-03-29T05:29:00.000+01:00

To travel back to the East (at least from this perspective)... I am afraid that my suitcase(s) are too heavy, which presents a minor, but not insurmountable problem. As with everything it seems, the answer will be money. Not a bribe to an airline, you understand.... but money handed over to get something that I want done, done. Hmm. It's an interesting system that we're a part of.

Today was a non-starter on the thinking front. So was yesterday actually. My mum's test results came back - positive. That is to say, negative, in that the cancer has not spread. So just the relatively minor radiation therapy and other treatment... Not minor at all, I know. But compared to the worst this is pretty good.

I spent some of the afternoon trying to read/think outside, on "Mildred Bangs Wynkoop's" bench. It was quite lovely to be outside, and the grass, birds, and trees were all good company.

My aunt and I then had a farewell coffee - for those of you thoroughly confused about my whereabouts, I am going to Amsterdam until next week now - and then I went and had a further farewell coffee on my own.

It's been a very interesting experience. Lots to think about. I am ready to get back to small... but hopefully I've come back enlarged... [not in that way].

I've been looking at a lot of books here. It occurred to me that I'll never be able to read all the books that there are. Never. I guess that makes choices more important. Time is such a valuable aspect of life...

peculiarities

2007-03-27T04:48:00.000+01:00

How's this for accurate? From Roy Porter:

“And when they could not be passed off as virtues, the peculiarities of
the English – their cantankerousness or hypochondria – was put down to the
island’s unsettled climate, which was obviously reponsibile for those
other treasured character traints, eccentricity and contrariness.”

That is SO a description of me! Cantankerous, eccentricity and contrariness in SPADES... and did I tell you I have an earache?

A very brave thing

2007-03-26T05:04:00.000+01:00

this morning's service was again, interesting... The minister of the church stood up and announced that the decision to cancel/combine services made last week, had not been made with enough dialogue between board and congregation. So, rather than implement it on April 15th, they were going to now offer opportunity for discussion; including having prayer and fasting for 30 days as a church. he assured the congregation that the intention of the board had not been malicious (I am paraphrasing here from memory), and that the board wanted forgiveness for the clumsiness that had gone before. I have to say that I thought he grew in stature as he spoke. And that the board had made a very, very wise decision to allow a process to occur. I also thought that the call to prayer was vital. It is so easy to dig the proverbial heels in, or stubbornly pursue our own paths, and great grace was shown. And great sensitivity to the needs of the congregation. I hope that KC finds a good way forward. He made a particular plea to the people of the congregation, that as they work through it in front of teens and children, the congregation and her leaders model good ways of dealing with conflict, and reconciliation. Again, I know it doesn't matter in the least what I think, but I was impressed with a sense of grace and dignity in the struggle. It cannot have been an easy week for them/him.

So...

since I was quick off the mark last week, I thought I'd try and be as quick off the mark this week!

Yesterday I planted things: hostas, hollyhocks, pansies, astibles, day lillies. Beautiful. I love tilling the earth and planting.

The night before I assumed the persona of someone on TV here called Stacey London from 'what not to wear' and my aunt and I had a lot of fun. [she, stacey is not nice, quite brutally honest, and talks a lot with her hands. aparently her catch phrase is something like, 'shut up!' As in, I can't believe you're doing/wearing etc...). Anyway, as Stacey I was good! As in MEAN. As in, 'no, don't keep that!'. Since Aunty Raine and I are similar, it was fun... and since she has an enormous house, she has accumulated things over the years [a lot of us would'nt have the space] and now, she has much more space. Let's put it that way! Now i need someone to do that for me!

And today, I also experienced a 'sonic' which is like a place you'd see in a film. You drive up to a little box, and place your order from inside your car, and then someone brings your order out to you. It is called a 'drive-in'... I had a lemon-berry slushie (I think), and it was really delicious and cold - which was good since today it was 80 degrees (US degrees) and humid...

Other than that, there is some speculation here about war with iran. frightening thought.

And, just found out that one of my best friends in the world is pregnant. Very cool!

For those of you who are monitoring the PhD... I also have been reading A LOT, and thinking... Just so you don't think I'm dossing, I've had a 6.30-6 day most days this week.

An aunty again, welcome to the world little Anna Jean...

2007-03-23T14:32:00.000Z

That's a lovely way to wake up.

Here are some quotes used in the book I've been delving into. I've heard them all before, but they provoke thought. [incidentally, Roberto, i think that having good opinions and strong ones is helpful in conversation and life, when accompanied - as the mega quote said yesterday - by humilty and willingness to learn from The Other. For me personally, it's the latter that's the struggle...:-)]

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
~Socrates

“The way not to grow old, and to stay young with advancing years, is to continue to learn.”
~Barth

“The mass of men [and women] lead lives of quiet desperation.”
~Thoreau

The last one has always bothered me. It seems qualitatively true, but is it? Most people's story seems to be filled with meaning.

Popcorn before bed...my kind of supper

2007-03-22T02:54:00.000Z

One of the problems of being isolated is that your thoughts whirl around and around, and occasionally spiral into a no-man's-land of bleakness, or pessimism, or whateverism… So I apologise if the Blog has been a bit of a Blurt lately.

I have been thinking, reading, and ‘being’ in isolation. I have some friends here, but, context makes such a difference, hey? So, although I chat, and talk, it is somehow different than being rooted. And rootedness is so important. My tentacles have reached out, and the tap-root went into the Word and Table service – mostly through the connection of the Eucharist, the body given for me, the blood shed for me, BUT as you sup, you sup with others… So, the locus of my life in Longsight is also woven into the locus of my experience in Kansas. The mystery of faith, the Holy Spirit amongst us, uniting us, seems/is real.

Also, my Andrew asked me if my ‘not missing this list’ was really transformed [do I have more imagination? Humour? Grace? Am I more interesting? Less boring? {thanks darling!}] by being away? And the reality of course is that the absence of Methane, litter, weed [not that people here don’t smoke it, but I’ve not encountered any at headquarters!] and so on is truly great… But “the first thing you unpack is your head” and the dragging sense of lowness hasn’t gone anywhere. But – having ONE THING TO DO is a good feeling – and having a RHYTHM of life [albeit early…] is wonderful. Having time to meet people for coffee, is lovely… Sitting in cafés and thinking is a beautiful thing. The question of ‘what happens when I get back lingers of course. But, there are daffodils coming out, cardinals hopping around, and the grass is growing, so the world and her seasons continue… The magnolias are in bloom, and it is warm and sunny. So I read this and thought it was wonderful:

“We withhold from them [non-Christians] the possibility of being our teachers. Without an attitude of learning, we have not entered a sacred “I/Thou” relationship. ... We want to provide for them what they lack, care for their needs, and teach them what they need to know. This position of a giver affords us a sense of control. But true love means knowing how to take. You love your grandma when you take her recipe; you love strangers when you need their company; you love your parents when you need their advice, you love your children when you need their forgiveness; you love your friends when you hear their stories. We don’t truly love someone until we take what they need to give us. Although we often think of God as self-satisfied, needing nothing, God does honour us by needing us. This need of God for us is symbolized in the Sabbath commandment that has no other purpose than creating a space in time when God can enjoy our full attention, when a lover can simply be with his beloved. Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel explained once how the greatest human need is to become a need. God needs us to participate with him in healing the world.”

Pagitt and Jones, An emergent manifesto of hope, 197

I was wondering as I was driving, lost [somehow the I-70 confuses me, I ended up downtown and had to wend my way back – past 18th street [home of the Jazz museum], down The Paseo, an old, beautiful, broad, tree-lined, run-down street.]: could I live here? It’s an interesting concept to play with - my forehead was bruised from listening to NPR [national Public Radio, thank you Geordan] and hearing Bush deny the right for his advisors to be subpoenaed, or have their statements taken under oath, or have transcripts of their statements made ‘because the houses/senates concern was partisan.’ And then, I heard John Bolton’s most recent proclamations that Iran was a ‘potential military target’ because ‘military action would be better then having Nuclear Weapons in the hands of Iran’ and that the best way for things to change would be ‘regime change’ in Iran, Sudan, [North Korea was mentioned too: the report… ]. Bang, Bang, Bang, my forehead on the wall… The question I asked myself was - would I just become numb to this? Complacent? Worn-out? Concussed? Mind-boggling. Well done to the many, many people I’ve met here who question, think, and live differently.

And, of course, what about home? As per our vigorous, earlier conversations - the UK most definitely has her share of problems. Lack of imagination, lack of optimism, fragmentation abounds. The ageing, sagging, embarrassed, post-colonial, post-Christian, post-everything atmosphere has its own ways of wearing you down.

So, onto the Church, the body of Christ, the alternative story-telling community that we share in, be in. The hope-bringing, light-shining, upside-down-believing, longing for a different story to be our story, the Eucharist taking, life-of-Christ-pulsing through our veins, that church. What way do we go so that we regain our Spirit? Longsight, as a particular community, shaped, shaping in so many ways, rooted in community… how do we live obedient to that kind of vision? Postcolonial, liberating, free?

Anyway, picking up from the chapter of one of the books I’m reading, I really think I’m probably a Nazbomergent… That bears some thinking about… (as well as deeply involved in paradoxology).

“Go to the people. Live among them, learn from them, love them, start with what they know, build on what they have.” Chinese proverb

and then, this made me laugh [it was said in the context of babysitting]:
“sometimes you just have to get pooh on your hands” ~Andrew Brower Latz

Beware: Another long one, and I'm a tad tired, so probably far too blunt... Proceed with caution.

2007-03-21T02:17:00.000Z

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt? ~Frederick Buechner

Good things about being away
Intentional friendships
Focus on ONE thing
Experiencing another culture

Things I have missed [and people :-(]
Andrew
My mum and dad and walking Sheppa [on occasion]
Friends
Dinner with friends/ Talking with friends/ Listening to friends
Wednesday night group
Sound liturgy
Voluntary leadership in church, people who ‘are’ so full of God that it leaks… and they serve
People who know my name
My office
Inquiring minds
Events: ordination, surgery, memorials…
The Allotment
Real coffee/ Dark chocolate/ Andrew’s Bread
Potential
mobile-phone-when-driving-ban
The parks

Things I haven’t missed
Traffic in the mornings
My imagination being m.i.a.; Feeling deeply fragmented & too busy
Feeling like I’m always forgetting something & Waiting for the other foot to drop
Feeling like church is a job [not always... just sometimes]
Methane smells [you’d have to have been at our house when the water is rising to know what I mean by this. It is bad. Escape is the only option]
Feeling humourless/ boring / ‘institutionalised’ / domesticated –[not in the house way]/ like a hamster
weed [the kind you smoke] everywhere
litter in Longsight after market day

Then I read this:

“In the Spiritual life, the word discipline means “the effort to create some space in which God can act.” Discipline means to prevent everything in your life from filling up. Discipline means that somewhere you’re not occupied, and certainly not preoccupied. In the spiritual life, discipline means to create that space in which something can happen that you hadn’t planned or counted on.”

(from An Emergent Manifesto, 72 citing Nouwen, of course!) I like that. Some of the above might be sorted if I/we act on that

Something else I like the sound of:

“Many participants in emerging conversations long for a sense of greater integration between belief and practice, local and global, inward and outward, the individual and a sense of place within a local community and culture. We see this longing for integrative theology and practice expressed in various themes within the emerging church phenomenon:
• Significant interest in “community,” communal living, and renewed monastic practices
• An open-source approach to community, theology, and leadership that encourages flatter structures, networks, and more personal and collective participation
• Revitalized interest in the social dimensions of the gospel of Jesus, including community development, earth-keeping, global justice, and advocacy – with a particular emphasis on a relationally engaged approach to these issues
• Renewed interest in contemplative and bodily spiritual formation disciplines that have, historically, been important Christian practices
• A renewed emphasis on creation theology that celebrates earth, humanity cultures, and the sensuous and aesthetic as good gifts of the Creator to be enjoyed in their proper contexts
• Cultivation and appreciation of the arts, creativity, artful living, and provocative storytelling
• Re-examination of vocation, livelihood, and sustainable economics."

(An emergent Manifesto, 28)

Further thoughts on New Monastic Communities

Just pursuing some of the comments you’ve made re. the monastic communities. It is true that these were prefigured by many groups, not just Wesley and the Methodists, or the Moravians, but many others also. The challenge for us is transmorphing something from the past into a cultural setting that has shifted dramatically. And, of course, the demise of many of the aforementioned groups was quick. In a PhD thesis researching the ‘cell’ structure’s demise in Methodism, the perceived weakness was in the area of intimacy-over-time. That is, it is hard to maintain.

I think that it is true the group that some of us talked about in December seems to resemble the new monasticism, but here we face several challenges also: transience, travel, time, commitment and the habit of gossip, are but a few.

I can only speak for myself, so I will… One of my yearnings is for greater intimacy with a few trusted people, but one of my fears is greater intimacy with a few trusted people… See my problem? The risk involved is enormous… and probably one of the reasons creating REAL friendship is so difficult, and so demanding, and so beautiful when it happens. The other issues:

~Time: what stays, what goes, in order to be immersed in a ‘monastic’ community, what else do we not do?

~Homogeneity: I have an instinctive issue with groups that are all ‘of a type’ being able to claim to be Christian [or church?], and although the defenders of those groups say [and I understand this, and ‘get’ it] that this is the way friendships happen, exist and that it is better to work with it… I just think that is not particularly Galatians 3. Yet, I also know that on my ‘short-list’ of people-I’d-like-to-meet-with-a-lot the people I instinctively chose are people just like me, only better… And, as much as that is really comfortable, I am not sure that comfort is always what’s best for me [viz. my waistline]. Hmm.

~Exclusivity: closely related, but there seems to need to be a double-dynamic of ‘intimacy’ and ‘inclusion’ - and the latter means that more people come, more people coming means the former is difficult…

~Longevity: most people my/your/our ages are getting ready to move, wanting to move, needing to move, or will move. What then? Tires me out thinking about it. [I include myself in this potential]. Perhaps when one moves the ideas/ life-style goes with it, but what about rooted-ness? Andrew and I have talked a lot about this and there are good arguments on all sides. Desert Fathers, Eugene Peterson, Rowan Williams [to show the spectrum] seem to advocate staying… rooting… being… but [Jesus?], Wesley, reproduction-as-growth-and-change seem to suggest something slightly different - moving the message, ‘The Way’, with you… but related to this is:

~Geography: I imagine that this is true. In the Wesleyan example [as a founding myth and primordial example for us] the people who gathered –apart from the itinerants – were geographically connected… The changing culture we are a part of has made it possible for the groups to ‘drive-to’ each other… I wonder (often) [and again, I am thinking specifically about my own context of the Longsight Community Church of the Nazarene, ok?] if really we should be geographically locating the nmc’s within walking distance of one another… or a least in the same post-codes… That would mean that some serious changes would happen – the clusters would be withington, didsbury, burnage, levenshulme, gorton, longsight, westpoint/rushford, etc… and that would change the whole dynamic considerably…. Right? Would they be churches?
On the other hand, we do live in a different world, we are net-worked, we relate in different, ‘third spaces’ so should nmcs create third spaces and ‘be’ in them? Does the geographic community then not matter?

~Mission: I was trying to think of a better word for this, but can’t right now. Organic mission is part of being a Christian, how does/ must/ should/ can that change this new monasticism?

Other issues I think that bear thinking about for the ideas of new monasticism: sanctuary, hospitality, spirituality, prayer, advocating justice... The nature of vows is another interesting one – some of the nmc’s vows are for life… What does that entail? How are people held accountable to them?

Anyway, there are so many things to think about. Oy vey!! Yet:

“Love is a spiritual practice that matures us as we try and try again to leave behind our isolation, expose our vulnerabilities, and make commitments to care truly for one another.”

(What would huckleberry do? Sawyer, in Pagitt, Jones, 48)

New word courtesy of Sawyer that describes me/life well: paradoxology isn't that great? And, I just figured this out today: Question – Quest…

Other things of interest

For an Anglican on Emergent - and Trident
for some ideas

And finally: beyond belief (almost, really)
"Lakeland, Florida Highland Park, Church of the Nazarene: recently held a student revival with the theme "driven," asking youth the question, "What drives you?" The event included car and truck shows, remote control car races, and motorcycles. Additional features included prizes, special concerts, and free food before the message." No, really. The message had already been given, surely?

interesting

2007-03-18T20:24:00.000Z

One of the things I've been thinking about are the lessons that we learn through film. Recently, I was thinking about the film [beating Wild Hogs and Premonition in the box office here] 'the Spartans', which is "The story of vastly outnumbered Spartans defending against Persian invaders." It struck me that the 'enemy' that we watch in films somehow makes us willing to think of those people as 'enemies' too. [do films reflect, or create reality...]. I was joking with some friends about this in conjunction with this month being the celebration of Purim, where to this day biscuits in the shape of ears are eaten in celebration of enemies being vanquished. It's all so complicated the idea of loving the neighbour, loving the enemy, being a friend. The stranger being the enemy is very present right now in a lot of places... [coincidence that Persia is Iran and others?]

Anyway, I am currently sitting with family - supposed to be chatting I think, but actually watching golf. Ugh. Golf. TV certainly dominates here. My uncle Jay has just called me 'an imp' which is quite funny... [he used to horribly embarrass me when I was young: he drove a bus for the city of Winnipeg and I would catch buses to school. On occasion when I got on, he would say things like "THIS GIRL HASN'T PAID" or, "HOW'S THAT CONTAGIOUS DISEASE" at the top of his voice. Awful. But funny. Or answer the phone, "Jay's pool hall, who in the hall do you want to call"... ]

Today I went (as per) to the Word and Table service. It turned out to be quite extraordinary. At the end of the service the 'chairman of the board' got up and announced to the congregation that in a "unanimous decision" the board had decided (in conjunction with a consultant and years of thought, a new mission statement being agreed for the church and the need for a greater community) to disband two services (Word and Table and 'contemporary') and move to one service, where the senior pastor as spiritual leader could direct the church... It was shocking. Literally. No one bar the leader of the service appeared to have any idea...

I will no doubt keep thinking about it, but so much struck me as askew. First, the Way of making the decision, non-consultative [apart from the paid consultant], without representation by the congregants. Two, the idea of unity, and what/how/who creates unity. Three, the idea of worship. Four, the idea of a 'pastor's role. Five, the idea of 'community'... Anyway, in many ways I am not part of the community - not privy to the decision, not effected by it at this local level... But I was very aware of the reverberations of this kind of decision on the wider community.
It also made me think a lot about the Longsight congregation, our understandings, the way we make decisions ...

Anyway, I have felt far from home these last few days, missed family, missed friends, missed Lynn's ordination :-( ... A lot happens when a person is away.

urban covenant communities - since I wouldn't make being a monk :-)

2007-03-17T03:17:00.000Z

Thanks for your prayers, mum is out of surgery, and on a ward in the hospital overnight. Home tomorrow hopefully... Now, we wait for results...

*More things I like*

~Cardinals
~Sunrises when you are driving east
~Phone calls from friends
~discoveries
~replacing ‘clergy’ with ‘celery’ – quite an amusing mistake to make throughout a document
~peace movements

What is a Dill pickle…?!!

Well. It is a cucumber, transformed by vinegar, sugar, salt, garlic and dill… It is crunchy, sharp, and bitter. They are preserved in a glass jar. They are juicy, and satisfying. Deeply delicious, they complement any meal.

The MacDonald’s slices that are in a burger are a greenish parody, do NOT consider these to be dill pickles.

Here is one page I found: dynamite dills

Urban monasticism

There are various groups that I’ve read about that practice urban monasticism. Some are in ‘communities’ like the Northumberland community: they don’t live together, meet infrequently, but share a common ethos. The ones I am most attracted to are a bit more intentional than that. They meet frequently, eat, and have several vows. The book ‘Colonies of Heaven’ [by Ian Bradley, I have it if you want to borrow it] reflects some of the ideas. These include things like: learning, hospitality, feasting, fasting, praying, caring for the poor, reading Scripture, creativity. He is advocating this ‘celtic way’ as a way for the church writ large, and I find much of what he says very compulsive. Of course, it is also deeply challenging and quite radical. Other groups will follow ‘the hours’ idea from the early monastics– stopping at points in the day and reciting prayers simultaneously [though physically apart]. I find that an interesting idea also.

There is at least one that is based on the Mustard Seed Order, via Zinzendorf -
Mustard seed order
And their rule is: True to Christ, Kind to people, gospel to the nations …

Another US based one [New monasticism] that I’ve been looking at has these ’12 marks’ - it sounds very ‘prophetic:

1) Relocation to the abandoned places of Empire.

2) Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy among us.

3) Hospitality to the stranger

4) Lament for racial divisions within the church and our communities
combined with the active pursuit of a just reconciliation.

5) Humble submission to Christ’s body, the church.

6) Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the
community along the lines of the old novitiate.

7) Nurturing common life among members of intentional community.

8) Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous married couples and their children.

9) Geographical proximity to community members who share a common rule of life.

10) Care for the plot of God’s earth given to us along with support of our local economies.

11) Peacemaking in the midst of violence and conflict resolution within communities along the lines of Matthew 18.

12) Commitment to a disciplined contemplative life.

They say: May God give us grace by the power of the Holy Spirit to discern rules for living that will help us embody these marks in our local contexts as signs of Christ’s kingdom for the sake of God’s world.

Interesting, hey? There are, of course, questions. The idea that this is a lifelong vow appears in a lot of them which is very challenging in our culture. (I think other things are quite interesting so, for instance the OMS says that if you are married, you must have the support of your partner, or this would likely not work) What else? They come up in a lot of emergent type books, which is where I stumbled across them. I had, however, already read Colonies of Heaven and had been deeply impacted by it – quite compelled in fact. And I also stumbled across the idea in Wesley via Viney (at least what I’d call the dna of it):

“… each is to bring what cash they have and put it together. If any own small debts, they are first to be paid. Then each abiding in their own dwellings, and following their business as they do now, are to bring weekly what they earn and put it into one common box, out of which they are to receive weekly as much as is thought necessary to maintain their families, without reflecting whether they put much or little into the box …”

Anyway, as I said, I like it. It seems good to me.

So… that’s my ‘brief introduction.’

Read these today as the Canticle and blessing for the day, and I leave them with you:

Canticle

Christ, as a light
illumine and guide me.
Christ, as a shield
overshadow me.
Christ under me;
Christ over me;
Christ beside me
on my left and my right.
This day be within and without me,
lowly and meek, yet all-powerful.
Be in the heart of each to whom I speak;
in the mouth of each who speaks unto me.
This day be within and without me,
lowly and meek, yet all-powerful.
Christ as a light;
Christ as a shield;
Christ beside me
on my left and my right.

Blessing

May the peace of the Lord Christ go with you,
wherever He may send you.
May He guide you through the wilderness,
protect you through the storm.
May He bring you home rejoicing
at the wonders He has shown you.
May He bring you home rejoicing
once again into our doors.

+ In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

Haberdashery

2007-03-15T01:50:00.000Z

So, there are some things to chew over in some of your comments. Thanks. Is that the Andrew, of the long-trip-to-Utrecht-on-a-bumpy-ferry?

Today has been really interesting. Reading. Thinking.

Here are some more things I like:

*wrap around verandas & decks
*24 hour coffee places
*cup holders
*wide streets
*Schnauzer dogs
*cards in the post
*big tankards of water
*a lady called Dixie, who gave me an unsolicited hug and made my day
*chicken fried rice
*dill pickles
*my grandpa is addicted to murder programmes on TV. It makes me laugh.

Here are some other things I've noticed: I become numb really easily.

Here are some things to pray for, if you don't mind:
-my mum's pre-operative meetings and surgery on Friday
-my second cousin, missionary, being evacuated because people broke into his house to kill them yesterday

Here are some things I think:

1. Pacifism is not an easy option. Nor does violence appear to be redemptive, ever. The question you pose about the second world war is interesting, but not simple. What do we do with that?

2. I think that the idea of new monastic communities which is around right now seems quite compelling to me. People who take various vows - not the old ones - in order to shape their lives together. They also eat together three times a week. Interesting concepts. They don't 'go to church' they consider themselves missionaries and gather once a month as a wider community

3. I just read a chapter in a book called "Jesus is not my boyfriend." The author put his finger on something that has bothered me for a long time about some of the songs that we sing. He suggests that a lot of Christian music has 'bought into' the empire's norms. Interesting. He especially targets Delirious.

For the faint-hearted

2007-03-13T02:59:00.000Z

The last blog is a mammoth one - really just trying to engage with IH on the questions I've been batting around. Don't feel like you have to read it [unless you're Iulia :-)].

I've had a long but good weekend, staying with some lovely friends in Texas and preaching at their District NYI convention. I had the chance to met up with some lads that I met first in Kankekee [sp?] about 7 years ago - of course, they are all grown up, and lovely, and Christians! It was so good to see them. I ate so much food: TEXAN. For those who are geographically challenged, Texas is HUGE. And, the food is HUGE, and delicioso! At one restaurant there was the possibility of having a 24 ounce steak, AND they sell drinks in 64 oz cups. I can't even describe how big that is!

Sadly, while away had a pretty bad/swift reaction, so for those of you who pray for me, that's one for the kneeler... I am also feeling quite mixed up about the future of Deirdre, so, again, if you are prayers, that's another... Lots going on in my head right now - exacerbated, I'm sure, by being far away from most of the kith and kin.

Umm. Read all the way there and back, and felt like i know about 1/1000 of what I should know at this stage. All quite depressing.

It is funny being away: Anyway, I'm about to get Maudlin, so I won't. I'll save that for another time :-)

I had really interesting conversations with people about the Military and Christian involvement. a lot of the lads I have met in Texas see the military as a natural option. One guy, Ernesto, is joining the marines this week. He is lovely, big hearted, sweet, an EMT, and keen to serve. It's another whole area of tension in my head. Especially because I had lunch with a wonderful young couple, the lady's father was in the Air Force for 20 years, and for the rest of his life [and theirs], he, his wife and their physically challenged youngest daughter have health insurance, pension and care... All made much more poignant since her mother is terminally ill.

Matt Francis, if you read this, what is the orthodox stance re. pacifism? What do other people think: what should Christians do?

Also, reading 'Exiles...' by Michael Frost. v, interesting, provocative and good.
okay. sdg

Holy Cow this is a long response...

2007-03-13T02:53:00.000Z

Hey – this one’s an incoherent response to Iulia’s comments, and I think that together we ask a thousand questions~! First, and for the record, I don’t think you’re a stupid Yank.

In fact, I think that you are right - the environment in the UK *is* ambiguous. Partly, (I would argue) the impact of many, many Christians [and others] historically working to change culture through the avenues open to them, including the government and seeing their involvement as politicians as part of their Christian responsibility, then gradually allowing the government to take responsibility… So, free health care, free food, milk, education (until recently Uni was essentially free) were all partly legacies of the history. That means that it is harder to be ‘noticed’ as a Christian, or as ‘distinct;’ the challenge seems much more to be both creative and subversive. And I think you are right: the lines here in the US are much clearer. Poor is poor. Rich, Rich…

I don’t know of anyone who works on the estates who would disagree that injustices are done – and oppression is real, and I think that racism exists in the UK and here. The estate is not monolithic though - and I think that developing friendships with people who live on them – [moving there?] incarnating, as it were, or being incarnational wherever we may be living is also an enormous challenge. Brits are often also more reticent. That means that it is over time that you can have an impact that is often much more immediate in the States. I also agree it is much more easy to envision what you can *DO* (food banks, Spanish classes, english, working with gangs…) and usually because of your nation’s spirit it is generally done on both a much bigger and better scale. I am faced daily with very overt poverty here, and - though I see some at home – it is probably much more behind doors…

On the “what child in our estates around Longsight is going to make it to Uni?” question: quite a few; some of the boys that we started working with six years ago are involved in higher education. This is where is gets messy – only SOME of the people on estates are ‘underclass,’ others have high ambitions, great skills, ability and a yearning to become ‘more’ – but they are also tied into the estate. Brian, Adam, Lee, James, Matthew, Michael, Patrick are ALL in college, and they are only the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I guess I am both agreeing with you, and disagreeing with you. The analysis maybe needs to be more nuanced.

I am not sure that hate crimes are as prevalent. Maybe. I’d want the demographics :-) Or that racism and marginalization *are* hidden –it seems that the question of integration is one that seems to be troubling both of our societies. On the surface integration is allowed/ wanted/ hoped for. In reality it seems lacking – and, one of the things that strikes me in both places is that the Church generally reflects that - predominantly segregated, and middle class. I’ve spent the weekend on the Texas and Oklahoma Latin District. A segregated district for Spanish speakers - they are wonderful, generous, hospitable, marvelous, lively people – and not integrated… The same could be said for other churches I’ve visited in a lot of places. [of course, that begs other questions, right? What about the need to hear your own language? What about the ‘Latin congregation’ in Longsight? What about the missiological questions of homogeneous groups? EEK. Big.can.many.worms.]

It seems though, that where this ambiguity that you mention seems most unambiguous - is at the level of some of the congregations of the church (of the Nazarene). They/we are unambiguously *just the same* as the culture around us: the ‘American dream,’ or the ‘British dream/non-dream[?]’ for that matter - in values, segregation, attitudes prevails even in the church– BUT those with a social conscience seem more inclined to ‘reach out’ – or something… Again it’s not un-nuanced. I think that there are some that are ‘communities of Character’ (to borrow from Hauerwas) and in the UK I hope that is how Longsight is becoming - : but, here’s the question that I’ve been asking for a while – how integrated are we really? It takes time, energy, commitment to be friends – and, as has been a topic of conversation amongst many of us, but that is HARD WORK, people are BUSY and so on. But –what if every white Christian from our church was in and out of our brothers’ and sisters’ houses? What if the neighbours of our brothers and sisters (from wherever) who are being attacked saw true integration, and knew that there was defense, care and a wider community that these brothers and sisters are a part of [and it was Christian?]

Both our cultures are guilty of this: Lip service about peace in the Middle East, but having troops in Iraq and giving loads of money to Israel.

I can’t really answer about ‘upward mobility’ and the UK attitude – I think that there is an age-old suspicion of wealth. I also think that the class system is endemic, and oppression (including through various abuses) prevails. Though, I would want to argue that the way the West has gone under capitalism is not necessarily boding well for the future. We are more selfish than ever. I wonder if the despair that you sense in the UK is in deeper fractures - lack of community, lack of ‘other’, lack of movement, lack of outdoor air. Education, eating, walking, getting out of the slums maybe needs more vision than people have? The possibilities here, in the land of the free, seem endless – a self-made man/woman can go anywhere, and do anything…. And England is older, more tired, and her ancient bones are creaking… She was built by stayers not goers… establishment not pilgrim, there is a different mentality I think … BUT, self-made men and women don’t necessarily seem any more Christian to me, just more pioneering.

Surely then the Christian-journey that is so hard in the UK is at least as important/ if not more imperative, not less: Hope-bringers? Light-offerers? Vision-bearers? Alternative-reality proclaimers? Prophetic in the way you are trying to be? That seems to me a long-haul, difficult message, one at a time, encorporating community initiatives, but motivated as you say, by love. Brutal.

Ah, I think I’d better not get going on the government issue. I think that general malaise is endemic in both our governments, but I don’t think the sacred/secular divide in the UK has served us well – or that the sacred/sacred acquiescence in the US has served any better. But, shouldn’t Christians do all they can the change society? Shouldn’t we realize that the burden that is on US-together is one that demands a wider perspective and engaging? I would want to argue that when I write to the MP I am not saying the problem is HIS – I am saying it is OURS and he is one of the ways I will try and solve it- work towards its resolution: of course, if I write to say that recycling in Manchester is shameful (which it is), and then continue not to recycle I am passing it off – but certainly I don’t know many Christians/people who take that approach… But – that’s one of the issues isn’t it: I am just another person writing to the MP – that’s the very ambiguity you talk about. What makes us distinct?

[On a side note, I do think though that a lot of people think that problems ARE going to be solved through the government in the US – it’s just that the problems you allow the government to respond to are different – problems of security, threat, for example are all over the news here. (And in the UK, I know – I am saying that we expect more from the government, not less)…]

I DO see what you are saying about it being ‘easier’ to live apart here. But – I would say that it makes it easier for ‘socially aware,’ sensitive conscience Christians to live apart. BUT… I also think that the seemingly hegemonic nature of Christianity here makes it seem that many don’t live ‘apart.’ A little ‘Christian voice’, as you say, goes a long way… I agree… but which Christian voice?
But, you’re in the UK. So are we. How do we bring hope? Who are our friends? How do we connect? How do we make a difference? How do we build on the assumptions that are good (health care, education for all, welfare….etc), and be prophetic to the ones that are bad (education limited, waiting lists, abuses of the system…). And so on? How do we allow God to create a dream in people that isn’t ‘the American dream’ - or for that matter ‘the British dream’ - or do we find a dream that is bigger and deeper than both? Maybe there is a greater demand for much more subversive, courageous, friendship that “provokes thought and debate about THE ONE about whom all of this revolves” enabling people to know that “(HE is why all this important to me- it is all integrated because of HIM)…”

MAN I wish I was at the group on a Wednesday or at yours having coffee and we could TALK… WHERE the heck DO we go from here? (Literally… where do we GO to find the ‘third space’ that we can meet, and minister, and care in… ) What about the ‘community’ that you mentioned at the very end? I think that is something that many of us are thinking about: living together, loving together… [Maybe we should start a cafe-bar? Fair-trade, home-made, comfy space to gather... or a 'beauty parlour' or...]

Anyway, just on the marching note: for some, sometimes being involved in ‘campaigns’ mean that you meet people who you can live-as-a-witness to. Maybe gardening would help people eat better? Maybe having people over (as you do, I know) will let you get to know them…

Anyway, this is long! Sorry… I have just come back from San Antonio, and am on my way to bed, but don’t have another chance to post until tomorrow night…

The Zone (no, not an exercise programme, or a diet)

2007-03-09T00:12:00.000Z

I really love the XXX films - I don't know why really, they're mad, but I think that the scene from the first one with Vin Diesel out-racing an avalanche is hilarious. So - the other thing they have is this notion of 'the Xander zone.' Today, I've been in the Deirdre-Zone.

I imagine that a lot of people have this, where the entire space they inhabit becomes still, and everything shrinks to "this" project, "this" book, "this..." The only real problem that I can tell with all of this is that I find it incredible difficult to switch from The Zone to normalcy and (in all honesty) niceness. I come out of it on edge. Actually while I"m confessing this, I may as well disclose what is common knowledge anyway... I'm very similarly 'on edge' when I'm hungry. It is a Brower trait, and one that we seem to be unable to control: General snarly nastiness when in need of sustenance.

Speaking of sustenance, one of the delights of the US of A is a snack food called "Chex (Chix?) Mix" - it is the most wonderful savoury delightfully mouth watering crunchy food. AND I recently found little parcels in the shops that are called "Chex mix seasoning...." Oh baby.

I'm here for something also called March Madness. A basketball-based tournament. [I'm still trying to suss it out, but I think it's not the 'premiership level of basketball, but college level]. The built up for it reminds me of football (though it's fair to say the madness in that lasts for more than March). I'm keeping up with the antics of Man U - Fergie, Wenger, (oh I think is lovely), Jose (him too), et al. But I feel so far removed from a lot of it...

Umm. Really not much else to report - but wanted to give you this poem:

Extinction

Have you heard the cry of the curlew?

I tell you –

I would rather we lost

the entire contents

of every art gallery

in the whole world

than lose

forever

the cry of the curlew

~Alastair McIntosh [Jonny Bradshaw, I can never thank you enough for introducing me to his works] Here is his website Love and Revolution

by the way...

2007-03-08T00:09:00.000Z

for an interesting take...

And, can anyone remind me how to make links on the side? I'm being a bit thick :-(

Thanks...

some things to think about

2007-03-07T23:01:00.000Z

So. I've had better days. But still, am alive and kicking.

Iulia, why do you find it more difficult in the UK?

Here are a couple of the thought provoking statements of the day from my reading [see, I am at least reading!]: First, relating to Wesley's economic ethics: [in Discourse III, SoM].
Owe no one anything, provide for your family, and then lend or give away any surplus to the needy.

What do you think of that? Andrew and I have talked a lot about the issue of having 'more' and luxuries. It is a hard one I think. The desire to live simply, and not be driven by greed is very hard. And the multiple issues that impact on 'giving away'...

Then, another issue we think about a lot is the whole "working out" of your theology.

I stumbled across this:

Theory is the articulation of practice and good theory of good practice.
Moral debate is therefore not primarily between theories as such, but
rather between theories that afford expression to rival forms of practice.
And we do not understand any theory adequately until we’ve understood in
concrete detail the form of practice of which it’s an articulation.
Theory, when it is recognized to be the articulation of practice, enables
practice to be reflectively thoughtful and so to remedy what have been its
defects and limitations. A. MacIntyre, 'The recovery of Moral Agency,’ Harvard Divinity Bulletin 2, no.4, (1999): 8

{incidentally, Ken Leech who I teach with at the college grew up knowing MacIntyre, which I think is interesting...}

So, onto thinking more about the defects and limitations of my/our practice.

Finally in today's news: "Lord, please forgive me for I have committed sins for our freedom" is causing enormous controversy amongst the right-wing ideologues.

More later

Musings

2007-03-07T00:41:00.000Z

Over the last few days I’ve been thinking a lot about the differences/chasms between the vision of the good life that I hold, and my values-in-action. I’ve been troubled by this since being here, and in some ways America has made me see myself in bas-relief. There are so many things that I think are important, that are SO very hard to live out – not only here, but especially here. I don’t take it lightly that one of the key differences for me, of course, is that here I am not properly a part of a community that is also thinking about these things. Both Andrew and the Wednesday-group at home serve as anchors for me in some ways relating to life-as-we-are-called-to-live-it.

So, I made a crude chart, and then immediately faced this issue: is the column called ‘alternative reality’ really reality as it is supposed to be? Which would mean that what I live in (and see as reality) is really a negative alternative reality?

Anyway, you may be able to see what I mean.

Alternative reality-----------------------------Reality
Living and working------------------------------Injustice and apathy,
for justice and compassion, liberation----------despair, involvement in systemic evil
Devout------------------------------------------Busy
Shalom------------------------------------------Dissonance
Significance in being---------------------------significance in doing
Loving people-----------------------------------Loving some people
In Christ---------------------------------------In the world
Walking-----------------------------------------Driving
Discipline and simplicity-----------------------Consumption
Outdoor, fresh air------------------------------Indoor, forced air
Alive-------------------------------------------Less than alive – Boring?
Community---------------------------------------Primarily anonymous
Rhythms of life---------------------------------Consumer seasons
Earthy -----------------------------------------Concrete
And so on…

Here are some other things I’ve been thinking about, the preacher on Sunday said this: The ‘American inability to delay gratification is robbing us of reality’ which I found really interesting, since I think in many ways it relates to my above list… and certainly relates to my life. And also, it touches on the lives of many around us who are in chronic [bad] debt. (I guess I’m differentiating between student/ mortgage and other debt here).

The area around seminary and HQ (where I am daily) is very poor. “Cash your pay check”, pawn shops, ‘thrift’ shops (a bit like Oxfam), and I am reminded about the urgent needs of a society that leaves its poorest on the shelf, in the back-street, and hidden away [this isn’t alien of course, the UK does this well]. One of the great ironies is just down the street from me – [I wish I had a camera and could use it!] There is a concrete sign, engraved with the following “Jesus of Nazareth says I am the Way, the truth and the life” and about two metres away it says “For sale by Zimmermann, for details ring…” Sad, but True! Jesus is moving out of down-town. Oh no, wait, perhaps he’s staying.

Watched “Little Miss Sunshine” with my grandpa ([un]fortunately he couldn’t hear everything) and grandma M. I still think that it has some of the most wonderful pastoral care scenes I’ve ever seen.

Read this about Wesley: "he began to order his Oxford days around a plan of study. On Mondays and Tuesdays, he read Greek and Roman history and literature; on Wednesdays,
logic and ethics; thursdays, Hebrew and Arabic; and Fridays Metaphysics and natural philosophy. On Saturdays he composed oratory and poetry, and on Sundays he studied divinity, primarily patrisctics. Still he somehow found time for extra-curricular interests in French and mathematics and experiments in optics..." Quite the undergrad, hey?

This is in the news today, oh my:

"LONDON - Prime Minister Tony Blair is lobbying the United States to consider locating part of its anti-missile system in Britain, his office said Friday."
Are there protests at home? Sometimes Misty's cafe is the meeting place for the Stop the War coalition, if anyone can check it out...

So… back to work.

A reminder of Lent

2007-03-06T00:45:00.000Z

A gift from our congregation made by the gifted Louise.

Saper Aude! has been on my mind today: ‘dare to think’ (or reason). I like that idea, or the notion of daring to question, which may be an equally good motto. One of my friends has a huge red "WHY?" written on the ceiling of his office, I think that is great.

I am currently watching Scrubs, and internally howling with laughter... The above Louise introduced me to it: warped, but funny.

The other, serious side of me may emerge tomorrow... I've been thinking a lot.

On the evangelical question

2007-03-04T23:19:00.000Z

My cousin Mark asked me about evangelicals being stuck in the nineteenth century... I think it is probably more like being stuck in a bad part of the twentieth century. At least in the early nineteenth, being 'evangelical' did not mean being anaemic, or fundamentalist. My dad and I talk about this quite a bit- partly because I cannot fully explain the way I thought from the example or teaching of my parents. Maybe the hymns? Camps? For quite some time I was happy to call myself a 'post-evangelical' as defined by Dave Tomlinson, by a book of the same title. And, as I studied and read, I found that my un-nuanced views were a caricature of the classical understandings of evangelicalism as outlined by the scholar David Bebbington.

In a journey away from evangelicalism there were a few key factors (in my head, remember): abuse of the bible, an 'instant' conversion mentality that I found both wrong-headed, and manipulative... I also was tired. Tired. Tired. Of a relationship with God that was based on bad understanding of 'doing' not 'being', so was rushed, duty-filled, and 'active' in all the wrongs senses of the word. All of this was based on a very limited understanding of God - and a very thorough individualism, and me-ism... Then, there was also a developing engagement with the 'rules' that so many of us lived by, and the necessary exclusion that accompanies that -the prescriptiveness of so much of the way things were. The 'kingdom=denomination' impression that I had.

[I want to make it clear, that one of the enablers for me thinking differently was the many, many people who were not in that mold, or who were dissatisfied with the way things were; the training that I received; and the experiences that I was living through -and a deepening sense of needing to move towards God and loving others, and of needing to engage on deeper, richer levels with the history of the church]

So - I think that what was missing was a sense of grace, time, and an understanding and love of The Trinity.

Does that mean that I'm post evangelical? I don't think so, but I think I would want to redefine what 'evangelical' means. McLaren has a large E, small e, evangelical, differentiates between them, and wants to maintain relationship with the "good one". and I think that 'evangelical as fundamentalism' is repugnant, and that 'evangelical as good news', truly able to deal with suffering, pain, and all about grace, engaging in being, and dealing with justice, including people, welcoming to all.

My Andrew was relaying to me the sermon from Longsight today (oh, how I miss you all), and we were chatting about the reality of meeting God and saying "I've sung allot" or, "I've served the poor" -

So, apart from that, I think some of these muses explains my fixation/ attraction to/ love for/ curiosity about the emergent church. So, there's a lot to think about I know.

Shalom

Oh-my-goodness-funny... "like nothing ever changed"

2007-03-04T02:32:00.000Z

Well, today has been eventful. Mum sent off, with love. Aunty Lorraine violently ill -all day (please, don't let that be catching!). Babysat (with Grandpa and Grandma my cousin's son, Camden),he liked me, but we didn't put his nappy on very well...it ended up on one leg only, and when his dad arrived back, picked him up, the consequences were quite dire. Then went out for coffee with Tanya to a wonderful Italian coffee shop - great coffee about three minutes from the office :-) (She's from Moscow, v. good family friend), and on the way turned the wrong way into a no entry road, and into the police car park...Interesting moments...

Found out some more hilarious things:

Sample one:

"Neuticles - it's like nothing ever changed..." [for traumatized dogs after the chop....], replacement you-know-whats... check out the photo section!

Sample two:

Or, "canine and feline nail tips, instead of declawing they glue on replacement claws - even in multiple colours..." for beautiful nails :-)

And then, three (thanks to Andrew Aveyard for this): for an interesting song

(Oh, and an octogenarian Florida woman retaking her license drove into the office of the testing centre, injuring 11. she accidentally hit the gas pedal! An easy mistake, and if you know me well...)

Well, nothing much to report apart from that. A pretty busy-but-mellow Saturday in Kansas City. The first day with no one from home here begins tomorrow.

Exports/ imports and life

2007-03-03T02:41:00.000Z

"America: remember Sodom and Gomorrah."

What???

Bumper Stickers are one of the banes of existence [I think] – on occasion they are really funny, which makes them quite dangerous [when driving]. Sometimes they are really obscure, or just wrong. And often they are, well, tired. Darwin as a fish with legs; Jesus as a fish ? And?? It is interesting though how easy it is to ‘box’ people according to their cars/ bumper stickers. Yesterday, I was next to a red convertible which was plastered in things like: “I prefer organised crime to organised religion,” and had a US flag with the stars in the corner saying: “It’s American to think.” Another one was, “How can you impeach someone who’s never been elected.” What I find very interesting is the way I lean when I am reading them (mentally, not physically). I feel sympathy/empathy/care/ concern for the most militant on the left. The most militant on the right make me feel a little ill. I’ve been trying to suss out why, and I think that it is perhaps that I am - loosely speaking – one of ‘them’ [the Christians I mean, not the right]– and yet, my views could generally not be more radically different… But somehow I know that were I to meet normal people [quite difficult at the mintue in a rarefied life of scholar/preacher/church attendee] I would have to unpack all these layers of judgement before I could even be a listener, let alone heard. I think that to a much smaller degree this exists at home, but… It is interesting how ‘christian’ so much is here. [Not everywhere, I know, I’m not daft, but here, here].

Anyway, there are a lot of things that I think the UK would benefit from:
· Turning left on a red light (well, right here of course, in case you were thinking I was a truly dangerous driver!)
· School buses (I say that because there is such a huge difference on the roads on school days/non-school days.) Imagine all those little people on ONE bus instead? Genius.
· Proper Mexican food.
· People in shops being nice to you (I don’t want too nice, just nice)
· The little clicky thing that you can push down when you fill up your car/tank that stops when it is full [I love that!]
· The wide expanse of sky and unbroken land
· Salad bars & Ranch dressing

Things I think should be imported this direction:
· Round-abouts
· Stronger coffee-drinking tendency
· Things being closer together – i.e. one area where you can get everything you need for life, and not having to travel hours between places [Walmart makes sense in that scenario – you don’t want to travel for AGES between everything…]
· European holidays – as in, statutory four weeks, plus bank holidays, maternity and paternity leave.
· Some form of better health care for the poor

Umm. Apart from all of that, I’ve been re-reading The Finovar Tapestry. It is one of the most wonderful trilogies I’ve ever read, and Andrew gave it to my parents to bring to me. It is stirring, and passionate, and delightful – and good/compulsive bed-time reading.

Found this quote:
"Christians are like manure in several ways:
- If they stay together too long, they generate heat and fumes that smell up the whole neighbourhood.
- Also manure piles develop a hard crust making them almost impenetrable.
- A long term pile that is never moved creates ground so acidic only weeds can grow there.
But if you spread manure around, it enriches everything it touches."
By: Pete Hammond

Made me laugh.

My mum leaves tomorrow. I expect that will be difficult. While we will be apart she will have fairly major surgery, begin healing, and probably begin radiation therapy. It is all quite a lot to take in. I’ve noticed though how many people don’t mention either ‘cancer’… or ‘breast cancer’ - and I don’t know if everyone is like this, but I’d always much rather not have elephants in the room. I also don’t want to only talk about it, but it is going to be very much a part of our lives for a while I think. I’ve felt very isolated from home, and very strangely cut off from all the emotion/thought and life that goes on 'there' while you travel away. It’s odd – but on occasions, so many little things happen when you are away that when you return, you seem to be some distant being that arrives from a different place/planet with a wholly other way of thinking and being. That always is hard to negotiate. On the other hand, there is a concomitant danger that while being away I change so much no one recognises the internal me any longer. We’ll see, perhaps the old adage will prove to be true: PLUS ÇA CHANGE, PLUS ÇA RESTE LA MÊME

I went to a great cafe today with mum, and we just blethered, which was good. After she leaves I will have one month before I'm home to try and work solidly in. It's going really quickly.

Twisted sisters.

2007-03-02T01:38:00.000Z

I went out with Mum and Aunt Lorraine today for fun, we went to a very lovely cafe (kind of Chorlton flavoured if you're a Mancunian), and then to a shop called "Twisted Sisters" where my mum and aunt nearly lost the plot laughing very, very hard at the cards. That is a Taylor-girl speciality, and one of the few memories I have of my grandma Taylor. Collapsing with giggles in a shop - at times, to the point of having to leave! So, the best ones today were political: "someone should tell a village in Texas they've lost their idiot" and so on. Quite funny.

Then, I came home and met-up with my cousin for the first time in eight years. She is all grown up; married, with a baby. Lovely. It is eerily like looking at my aunt when I am around her (she probably thinks the same thing about me!). I was asking her about the medicare/ health insurance that she has, and her husband about his working life. So, the C-section she had cost over $6000, the hospital stay costs per day, and that is all a bit mad. But, she also had 6 weeks maternity leave, WITH NO PAY, and only a guarantee of a job at the end. That is ALL she is entitled to. On top of that Ian has two weeks off per year. (Oh, and five days holiday...) and no paternity leave. Wow. [I can't remember if I mentioned that a twelve year old died here recently of a toothache...No insurance etc.]

Umm. Let's see. I've met loads of lovely people the last couple of days -and encountered friends of friends... people who know people. A lady who is really good friends with our friends in California (Linda Zane, Steve); a couple of guys who know you, Geordan and Iulia! AND, various people who I've met before, but got to meet again.

The seminary community is very kind, caring - and encouraging. Each day in Chapel there were different pray-ers for the service, and for me. They were both lovely prayers and outward looking. The man who prepared the services had clearly thought deeply about it, and today there was a really clever power-point, that pulled words out 'mercy', 'goodness' and then found a way of drawing Scriptures in that emphasised those words. I was dead nervous every day, and realise that I am not very used to preaching without Andrew there, and he is always a rock and a good and gentle and honest critic.

There was a tornado in Alabama today, just now - and it has been lethal - how tragic, 18 people died, and some of them in a high-school. [Two tornadoes also in Kansas]. Nature's power is terrifyingly awesome. Something quite interesting is how accurately they can and do predict tornadoes, and yet cannot stop them. Does anyone else find that odd? This unstoppable power.

I am sad (in every sense of the word!): I don't know what is happening on Desperate Housewives... ! I was trying (probably badly!) to explain why I like it so much, and discovered that I think it is probably because it is story-familiar and (I admit) at points I find it quirkily funny! I am currently in Grandpa's chair [it is very comfy!], and he is flicking through channels (79), trying to find something to watch [oh, it's CSI. Nasty]! He is devoted to Wheel of Fortune, and Jeopardy! Quite funny.

Grandpa's chief engagement at the moment is writing his Memoirs. (pronounced meeemoirs :-)) I think that is great, since at the moment, I know bits and pieces of his life, but, he has lived through SO much, and in his older age has a new perspective on so much. It will also be good to learn more about my grandma. She died only three years ago, but was so ill with dementia for so long that I only have the very vaguest memories. Until this trip I didn't even know she could drive. Apparently she was also the king-pin in the family whilst my grandpa travelled. I wish that I had known her. I am glad that I'll have the opportunity to learn more of her. I do know that much of her character lives on in her daughters.

I bought a book today at 'The Half Price book store' by Annie Dillard, who is one of my favourite American Authors. It is a book about reading fiction, and I'll send it home with my mum and hopefully read it later on.

Of course, you are all wondering, with bated breath I"m sure, about my PhD... Well, tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow... Actually, I had always reserved this week as head-space, and still have managed to do some reading, so I feel ahead of the game! Me and Rousseau [JJ, not Lost] are managing to have serious disagreements about gender issues. Via Emile. Okay, going.

Be like the fox...

2007-03-01T03:44:00.000Z

Interesting Quote: “…civilisation inevitably corrupts because it fills us with inauthentic desires (which are also what propel the economies of the corrupt societies). These inauthentic desires are what cause the wish for luxury.” (Outram, Enlightenment, 54). I've been thinking quite a bit about the things we think we need. And, the things that we adjust to 'needing' without even being aware of it. In particular, I've been struck in my own life by the issues relating to space, privacy, food, transport, access to 'things', and how easy it is to take it all for granted.

Last week there was a large conference in Kansas City. You-who-watch-my-time-from-afar will be happy to know that I opted out of attending in favour of study. But, that hasn’t stopped me from hearing about it. Apparently one of the sermons in particular, provoked interest. A key leader’s sermon related to three challenges [the jury's out on whether she meant dangers, threats or other...] faced by the church. They are (wait for it) reform theology, Calvinism and the emergent church (you can see a particular clip on you tube, but I'm having a technophobic moment and can't remember how to make links...) might work and you can follow the links to find the whole sermon here.

Hmm.

Whatever happened to injustice? Consumerism? Or Individualism? Or apathy, lethargy and boredom? Whatever happened to anaemic Christians? Or the threat to the church of activism? Whatever happened to Racism? To.... well, fill in the blanks.

What did catch my attention, however, was that the emergent church should spark such an interest. Now, please realise, I am fully aware that she may not have meant exactly what most people mean by emergent [she is a rather gracious person, completely loves her grand-daughter, and is interesting to chat to] and perhaps, she did mean 'challenge' in a neutral sense. BUT it did cause me to wonder…

The emergent church [as researched] is a very different beast at the moment than the emergent church [as visited]. I have been interested in the clear difference between what is blogged, written, holy-gossiped (talked?) about, and so on. And also, in the enormous difference between the US/UK contexts. It seems to me clearer than ever that the alternative worship movement (often included in emergent) is NOT the same thing as the emergent-as-attended experience. Though it is more similar to the emergent-as-written-about experience. I don't know if that is particularly clear, but I wonder if it might be worth thinking about what churches are reacting TO, and where/what they are developing FROM. I also wonder about how much of what happens is about the process of 'creating' church as well as the process of attending a gathering called 'church.'

There is a ginormous thunder and lightening storm here just now. Hail, bright flashes, a tv station devoted to warnings of flash floods and tornadoes, I LOVE WEATHER. (I am true to my farming roots with that, I think.)

Been reading poetry at the moment: Alistair McIntosh, 'Love and Revolution'; brilliant. He is a revolutionary and agrees with che guevara that the best revolutionaries are inspired by love. Always.

Wendell Berry is another great poet: As with most poets, I don't agree with everything of course, but here's one for the road. [incidentally I encountered him through Eugene Peterson's Spiritual Readership].

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Wendell Berry

And lastly, lastly: one of my good friends, a lovely man Chuck, has been coming to chapel to support me in preaching, he is so wonderful, and runs a youth centre that does amazing things. Today he introduced me to a lady called Angela, who (apart from all else she does) volunteers at a centre working with prostitutes. Very sad stories -the average age here for 'girls' to get involved/seduced into the streets - is 12. Dreadful. It makes me aware of the many needs that surround us. 12. That is TEN YEARS older than my/our oldest God-daughter. ELEVEN YEARS older than my/our next. My stomach turns at the thought. What world is this...? And yet, we're called to 'practice resurrection.'

u/deconstructing boxes

2007-02-27T21:50:00.000Z

Well, since I last wrote the world has sped up, slowed down to a stop, then sped up again... Mostly the news that my mum has breast cancer was a shock; very treatable however, still, the 'c' word is not one that anyone relishes. She is very robust in her approach to life, and we had a great chat about how you glorify God in the midst of pain and suffering, acceptance and resistance. Today I preached, and one of the texts was Isaiah 43: 1-7; it struck me whilst reading it how appropriate it was for someone possibly about to undergo radiation therapy - or, (probably more accurately), for those of us about to watch someone we love possibly undergo 'fire'-

So - I've been in a class this afternoon and fielded loads of questions, which I thoroughly enjoyed - about the church, our church, life, and particularly the Psalms - since the class was the Hebrew Psalter that made sense... :-)

I was asked what one question I would ask them and I said something along the lines of: Do you have the courage to think.act.be outside the box? That is something that I am chronically challenged by - and it is all too easy to be squeezed into the various boxes around... church/world/life. It takes bottle to resist.

As I've blogged the whole family has arrived home - and I am in Grandpa's chair, so I'd better relinquish it - more later.

Deirdre wins an honourable mention in the darwin awards...

2007-02-24T21:14:00.000Z

Well - today's near-winner... Deirdre! first, you should know that this is all the fault of Henri Nouwen. His aforementioned cd finished, and i decided that i couldn't wait to hear the next one. So... I pushed the eject, took out the cd (and here, ladies and gentlemen is where it gets ugly), I put the cd in my mouth, a good place to hold a cd. Then, oops, dropped the second cd. And, bending over to pick up the elusive disc I firmly bumped into the steering wheel with, yes, the cd gripped between my lips. Then, predictibly, the thin shard of plastic sliced Deirdre's mouth - on both sides. Much blood, and great pain. No car accident, however, for which I am thankful. I was howling with laughter - which probably looked rather funny to the people on either side of me, since blood was dripping slowly down my chin and my lips were now in line with my nose...

Today is Saturday, and I am about to get reading. Today's delight, a PhD on Wesley...

Last night my aunt and a friend of hers attempted to corrupt me by taking me to a comedy club. It was not particularly comic, but was indeed a club. Actually, I like to think that if it had been only Andrew and me, we would have left. It was foul. Foul-mouthed, foul-jokes, and much smoke. I actually was really saddened by it: sex (all manner, nature and kinds), drugs (pot was hailed as 'the people's friend' which anyone who has worked in Longsight/Gorton/Blackley knows is actually 'the people's oppressor'), and the '7.99 for all you can drink bud' was extolled as a great thing. Which, although I am [slightly] more liberal than many nazos, there is nothing I find attractive/compelling/thrilling/sophisticated about drunkenness. Anyway, I suppose that I sound really prudish, but in actual fact - it was a travesty of humour. I think one aspect that also stood out to me was that two of the four comedians said at the end of their act 'God bless you'... what does that mean? Is it a common farewell? It just seemed so inconcruous.

Let's see - anything else of note? No. I'll leave you with a quote from a father: "I have often repented of having spoken, never of keeping my silence.'

I have been thinking about that in the light of Mark P's blog - and I wondered if silent protest might be very highly affective in our culture. So many words - everywhere words - what if we went on a mass march and said nothing... symbolising all the devaluing of words that happens amongst politicians, 'peace, peace they cry...'

Anyway, just a thought...

The abbas speak through Nouwen

2007-02-23T03:34:00.000Z

On the drive to and from HQ I have been listening to Henri Nouwen cds - they were a gift from Longsight before I left, and whoever chose them was Holy-Spirit inspired. The first one (which I'm listening to again) is dealing with the ministry and the ministry-as-resistance-to-the-squeeze-of-this-world: it is deeply difficult to listen to, and the idea of solitude which he is pondering is enormously confrontational. Shaping. Terrible. It is based on St. Anthony's way of - Flee (solitude), be silent, pray always.

I am sitting in my Grandpa's living room - with grandmalou pottering away in the kitchen. She keeps trying to feed me. And grandpa has Fox news on, quite loud, though when anything he disagrees with comes on, he turns it down... Of course, since usually we have quite varying views, that is often quite funny! I am really enjoying living with them - they are lovely to watch - love in the eighth decade of life is real love. They laugh a lot (!) and grandpa has taken to some new ways. For example: he is coming to THE CINEMA with us tomorrow night [ok, so we're watching Amazing Grace, on the recommendation of the pastor, but still...].

As per the PhD request: I've been reading. "Men and Manners in the Eighteenth Century" (thrilling isn't it?), and "John Wesley and the Church of England" again, and arguing - sorry, 'conversing'- with various Emergent-types. What I think so far, is that there is nothing new under the sun. The more I know of any century, the more you see things again and again... There are a couple of PhD theses here that I am going to try and read before next Wednesday (when they're due back) so watch this space.

Today I met up for lunch (don't worry, that's allowed) with two very old (as in long-standing) friends: Monte Cyr, and Mark Holcomb - they both asked me if I missed NYI - and I think that's another whole blog.

So, things I miss today:
Andrew.
My own bed.
A range of socks. I only brought one and a half week's worth. Bad idea.
Friends.
Our Wednesday group.
Unsweetened anything.

Things I want to do: walk outside. drive without getting confused between North and East [I somehow can't get away from thinking of North as 'up' and that if I am facing forward, I am up, and therefore North. hmm. not ideal]. Listen to some news that relates to outside of KC (Geordan, know any stations I can tune into?). Sleep. Watch Little Miss Sunshine again.

Snippets of Wesley

2007-02-22T00:27:00.000Z

"Hell is paved with the souls of Christian Priests."

Hmm. Well, that is always the worry.

Today, Ash Wednesday, I went at noon to St Andrew's Episcopalian church, and was deeply moved by the penitential prayers, and the marking of Ash. We shared communion, and I felt very united with the others kneeling around me. I also felt that in many ways lent is to be a time for solitude, silence and prayer - but, here's the reality. I am rarely alone, and there is almost no silence here, and prayer is - rightly - a struggle. The abbas of the desert (of course) through Nouwen are speaking to me, but I am a often a bad listener. I have been trying also to think about my role/being as 'pastor' - time away has often been a time of immense struggle and painful growth - I seem to get more clarity, and I hope to this time also.... I have felt very much the need to reflect on the nature and shape of mission. And also to reconsider how God has/does speak to me. [I know that blogging isn't solitude incidentally, and I'll be signing off soon...]

Other things: whilst with my aunt the other night, painting her bedroom, we (unfortunately) watched a programme that she really loves: wife swap. Now, I know that this exists in the UK - don't get me wrong: but, a sophisticated urbanite was swopped with a farming, raw food only, brushing teeth with clay & rancid butter, and - when the woman was told as part of the 'new family's rules' that she had to shave her armpits, she had to use scissors to start with! EWW.

Today's news here: Anna Nicole Smith, 'the trial' and Blair removing some troops. A tragic blend. Also, if I hear another Hilary Clinton joke!!

Right. Going.

Watching Miss Congeniality and blogging. Yes, it has descended to that.

2007-02-17T02:10:00.000Z

Today has been long. Went into the office to work on my outline, and try and ask myself some methodological questions. Then, I became totally and utterly overwhelmed, and we left. Ouch. At the moment, I fail to see how this is all possible -but maybe once I've slept on it, it'll be okay.

The snow has continued today - it is beautiful, but treacherous. So many accidents/ fires and sliding around on the roads. It is strange, but I love the snow it takes me right back to teen-years (quite tortured, and normal) and outdoor sports. That always makes me realise that one of the things I love here is that 'most everybody can/should/ does play sport as they grow up in North America, whereas in the UK it is mostly lads/privileged...

Well, I have nothing interesting to say, so I'll sign off.

A beginning...

2007-02-16T03:33:00.000Z

Today was a long day of reading and re-reading - trying to figure out where I am and where I need to go. Felt a lot overwhelmed, and was really thankful that Andrew was here - he's a silent encourager, and unbelievably dedicated to his own studies. He loves reading, and that is inspiring. (We have photos, but aren't sure yet of how to put them on... :))

I've been reading a book that a lot of people [in the blogspheres i lurk in] have recommended. I found myself on a pendulum between agreeing with their premise 'the church is dying, needs to change, here's how' and rejecting some of what they seem to be suggesting [out with the old, in with the new.. or academic learning and language is dead, no place in the church...] Now obviously I have things at stake in both - and I still am thinking it through, but in particular I think that I have some big questions to think through. I've not been sleeping well - (I know parents with small children, you neither!), mostly panic I think about everything I have to do. Of course, lack of sleep may not help me be coherent...

I keep telling myself that exercise will help - so I'm watching tryouts for the Dallas Cowboys [those girls have stamina]. :-) So far it's not really working!! Actually, I feel incredibly out of touch with the world - the early morning is the best time for news that gives a window onto the whole world - otherwise, I feel like an alien.

We drove around a little with Grandpa today. Past some enormous houses, along wide streets, beautiful banks covered in snow, and then by grandpa & grandma's church - the enormous Kansas City First Church. I don't really know what to say. They moved there from nearer the middle of Kansas City. Grandpa was telling us that he has been on a vision group, and that after a while he 'felt heavy in his spirit' and left - because they were trying to find a focus. Grandpa's view was 'whatever happened to "whosoever would come..."' It was a challeging conversation.

So - the ntc webmail isn't working for me - poor Deirdre. It makes me feel a little cut off -but maybe that's the plan!!

California dreamin'

2007-02-14T06:28:00.000Z

Today has been a long, long day. We arrived back in Kansas City from California a few hours ago, and I have reverse jet-lag it seems, and so am wide awake.

The last few days with our friends the Campbell's have been lovely - we've had good conversation, good food, and laughed a lot! Let's see - there are several highlights -

*Andrew met Shaw (10) and Seth (6), and I renewed acquaintance with them - they are lovely lads, and skilled, funny, lovely, sweet, generous, and wonderful to chat to. And we both met Mick the dog (think TOTO in TW of Oz)

*Shaw plays basketball, and we watched his team play - stamina, and skill... in young lads - it was great. The game was in a local school, with a wonderful gym, and whole families came and watched, which we thought was wonderful - I can't think of the equivalent in the UK - but maybe I'm just ignorant. It was just healthy - and, there was not scoring! (Not to say that the lads didn't know who won (us), and who scored, and so on, but the essence was to play well!

*Andrew was minding Seth in the evening service, and at one point Seth leaned over and said - very seriously - 'this is pure, pure torture.' Oh my word, we laughed! He also loves being outside in the rain, and seems completely and utterly unihibited, so refreshing - I hope he keeps his sense of joy.

*We went for a walk near a bridge called the 'Sundial' - the walk was stunning - it is in a ribarian area, and there were all kinds of people, and incredible beauty. We went for a drive looking for a bald eagle nest - and spotted it, and what looked like a little bird in it. Brilliant.

*We ate wonderfully well - especially something called a 'Javanese Stack-up' which I think our Wednesday group will benefit from as soon as we are back!

*We attended the Church that Steve works for (he's officially the youth pastor, but really is a pastor of all) and I preached in two services. It is hard to describe them - but... 'The Door' is an ambient type service, multi-generational, quite creative in its approach, a young and developing leadership team - the entrance has art work displayed, and people have clearly put a lot of thought into various elements of the service. Steve is the key leader in the service, and is shaping it, and there is a real sense of love between him and his parishioners. So many people love the service and new people seem to come regularly. It is much more outward-looking than many churches. Preaching there was interesting because there is lighting (which I'm not used to really), but people really actively listened [or maybe i just couldn't see :-)). In some ways it was a really difficult service for Steve (I think), since in the notices he had to announce a big shift in their leadership, which made it all the more remarkable that people listened. I think that that congregation/service is the hope for the church. In particular something that really stood out was how many people (almost all, I think) had book-bibles - I hadn't really noticed the absence of bibles at home until I noticed them present here. I'll think on it.
The second service was a more traditional Sunday evening one. It felt very odd being at church twice (!) and I realised that I appreciate the freedom of a Sunday with just one service [or an elongated block, since I at times attend Word and Table too]. The evening service was mostly full of older faithful people - and (quite funnily I thought!) the entire NNU baseball team - Three rows of College-age guys. I think they made the average age drop considerably! [though if there had been many young women there, the pulse rates would have gone up!)

*Had a great ride to Sacramento today with a youngish man, planting a church in KC, he was interesting to talk to, and we spent a lot of the journey talking about depression and mental illness, as well as life itself. I was reminded of how grateful I am that I am a little more able to recognise depression as it creeps up on me (which it has been), and deal with it (which I need to) - and, that I am graced by Andrew. It does make you want to just quit - everything. Anyway, we had a great and enriching conversation - which gave me/us a lot of food for thought.

*Now we're back. Andrew's not feeling especially well - somehow or other he's acquired conjuntivitus, which is horrible for him.

I have now moved on from Lamott, and reading Ysabel, by Guy Gavriel Kay, one of our favourite authors. He is always interesting, and creative, and has a good idea of nobility, honour, and love. Suplemented by Louis L'Amour, and Hirsh/Frost the shaping of things to come.

Well - i guess I should try and sleep. I hope this makes sense in the morning! I've just sent an e-mail I think I'll regret, and another one is in the draft box for revising :( New motto: NEVER write e-mails when a) you're overtired b) you're paranoid c) you are far from home d) you're ranting e) you've only read what you're responding to once.

An old friend of mine [Gary Hartke for those who know him] drove us to the Airport last week - and it was great to catch up with him, and the NYI world - very distant from me now. I still think that in many ways I am formed by the experiences I had with NYI, and have been shaped in ways I don't know and don't fully understand. Certainly I feel a part of something that is 'familial' - but the loss of NYI has also been quite enormous - and I don't think I've really figured out how huge until recently. A lot of my internal questions about life, meaning, significance, moving, changing, calling have perhaps been triggered by thinking through endings and beginnings.

Last, but not least, there is snow here in abundance! 5" last night - and more tonight - it is cold, and fresh, and crisp and wonderful.

So - all in all, a great few days - travelling with Andrew is fun, and being with good friends is wonderful - I wish we could have stayed longer, but SOON they'll be coming to us! And that is great news! Sorry - this has been a babble of one-in-the-morning thinking. sdv.

America, the beautiful

2007-02-08T15:32:00.000Z

Well, I am well and truly in America, where petrol is $2.00 a gallon (cheap!) and cars are unbelievably ginormous! I have the use of Grandpa and Grandmalou's 'van' -which is a huge, 8 seater plus boot red vehicle. The best things about it is that it has a) heated seats b) I would win if I was on the wrong side of the road, which judging from yesterday, might just be important!

I have been given a lovely office -about 10miles from their house, and have re-located my books there, a computer, a whiteboard and some of my favourite quotes, which makes it seem like I mean business (which I do).

Andrew arrived last night, and we are doing nothing today but being together, I'll show him the office, and see where we end up - then tomorrow we leave for California -where we are meeting up with a couple of our best friends -the kind of friends you never have to 'keep up with' because as soon as we get together is it just natural...

Umm. Here are the things that I'm finding interesting so far:

It is hard not to be a consumer here.
The main news is only about Kansas City and Missouri (each the size of a small European country so maybe that makes sense) so I am relying heavily on the 6.00am BBC world
The food portions are enormous. And I was taught to clear my plate. Oh dear.
The work-day in the office I have been loaned is from 7.00am to 4.00/4.30pm [which means I will be leaving home at 6. As I've aged I've become a morning person, but still...]. That is normal. My aunt (a teacher) starts at 7.30 and ends at 3.30. So, people here have spare time, but they're knackered.
I can imagine that given time I will manage to offend almost everyone. I've already had various discussions (and I've only been here since Monday!) re. consumerism; altar calls; homosexuality; denominationalism; post-modernity; marketing and faith where, shall we say, my views are in the minority (of one).
There are rules here on everything - it seems that there is a sense that if you were here from birth, you would be generally unquestioning, or convinced that things are dangerous and so you must trust and obey those in authority (Crossing the road 'jay-walking' is illegal). It takes courage to be different. (There are many who are, but it is a huge challenge I think)

I'm reading (for pleasure) Annie Lammots' latest, and looking for others to feast on. Any suggestions?

Where I've yet to go....

2007-02-01T10:08:00.000Z

It's been a while

2007-01-30T17:16:00.000Z

Well, I must admit, that my reluctance to Blog ended up with the predictable result... a seven month absence from the 'air.' I am, however, about to head off to the US for a sabbatical - which I think will prove interesting as an exercise in 'can I actually do anything about this PhD?' If the smell of fear is emanating from this blog, it's for good reason...

Apart from that, other mind-journeys I have been taking are also interesting [to me :-)]: I've been thinking a lot about leadership shapes, about teaching, about NTC and the new 'centre for evangelism and church development,' about the nature and shape of mission, about history and its impact, about what it means to be 'healthy' - and about the way I relate to people.

Over the last few months I've read a lot - but here are some of the things that have been shaping me. Tony Benn's diaries [politician, humanist], Tom Wright, Colossians, Ghandi's biography, poems by e.e. cummings, 'The Shaping of things to come,' (Hirsh and Frost), Derren Brown's book (can't remember its name), and various Louis L'Amour books (the equivalent for me of hot-chocolate and a fire).

I have had some good time with great friends. Alongside them have also been thinking about 'why' questions:
why don't we go more heart-deep? why do people talk about other people? why are dogs so inclined to love people, but wolves aren't? Why do some trees just give up in the wind, and others resist? Why is it more difficult to say good things, or bad things? why? What is the difference between love and affection? why is it hard to love people as people? Why is it more difficult to stayrooted than to go? I wrestle all the time with the urge to move on... and various friends/thinkers remind me of the importance of DEEP. Deep roots, Deep wells.

Music: Royksopp, faithless, DJ Cut Chemist (love it), U2, The Big Chill... And last night I went to a Bruce Cockburn gig... the man is amazing. he plays the guitar flawlessly with his eyes closed, and makes it sound like an orchestra. And [some of] his lyrics are genius.

Anyway, I think I'll try and blog while away... a little. If you see too many words here, please remind me I need to be honing and deploying writing on a thesis.

Leaving you with e.e.:

i thank You God for most this amazing

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any–lifted from the no
of all nothing–human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

On Love and Justice

2006-07-28T11:42:00.000+01:00

This will probably be a stream of consciousness - a lot has been going on in my head for the last little while... I have discovered that I am not a natural blogger - the more people have known I blog, the less inclined I've been to put finger to key. On the other hand, my former, pen & paper, has been rekindled - probably wise - protecting all from my various whims and fancies..
Since some of my best friends, however, live far away, and I am useless and letter-writing and telephoning, this will continue sporadically, no doubt, to give glimpses of my inner canvas.

I read this:
"Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment or being drawn toward. Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relations with one's friends and enemies. Love creates righteousness, or justice here on earth. To make love is to make justice. As advocates and activists for justice know, loving involves struggle, resistance, risk. People working today on behalf of ... the [marginalised and] poor in this country and elsewhere know that making justice is not a warm, fuzzy experience. I think also that sexual lovers and good friends know that the most compelling relationships demand hard work, patience, and a willingness to endure tensions and anxiety in creating mutually empowering bonds.
For this reason loving involves commitment. We are not automatic lovers of self, others, world, or God. Love does not just happen. We are not love machines, puppets on the strings of a deity called 'love'. Love is a choice - not simply, or necessarily, a rational choice, but rather a willingness to be present to others without pretense of guile. Love is a conversion to humanity - a willingness to participate with others in the healing of a broken world and broken lives. Love is the choice to experience life as a member of the human family, a partner in the dance of life, rather than as an alien in the world or as a deity above the world, aloof and apart from human flesh." Isabel Carter Heyward, 1984, 272.

Yes, and yes. I am sure that it can be pulled apart, but it spoke into my thinking and need and life.

What else? At the moment I am wrestling against a deep rage. I visited Lebanon some years ago - very depressed. And, whilst there, she, the land, the people, and God working in and through them, I suppose, healed me. Likewise, visits to Gaza & the West Bank have deeply impressed themselves upon me.

So, mindful of the mine-field of middle eastern politics, and deeply conscious that people I know will have vastly different opinions, I am so very helpless with the rage I feel at the excess and guile-full bombing that is going on now. I also do not support Hezbollah, yet... yet... I am so full of pain for what many are suffering. As I know many of you are. And, as I write those words I know that today, my friend Raja is travelling back from the safety of his homeland, Jordan, to his place of ministry, Beirut, to be with his 'flock' - who are part of the 23% of Christians of Lebanon (never mentioned in the press here - it is seen as a Muslim/non-Muslim question. Not so). Anyway, I knew that once I started writing I would want to pour it all out - and I mustn't. But, our prayers must be earnest... And our love-justice-action must be thought through.

Andrew and I joined the protest march here in Manchester last weekend - at least to show some solidarity with the oppressed. And there are some political vows I have made that will at least enable me to express my distress.

There. That's all on the matter.

Other things -
Diego has moved in - he's great
Our car was stolen - argh! (It had only just finally been fixed and was working perfectly!! Typical)
Our cds which were in the car are also gone - the greater tragedy :(
We leave on my birthday to go camping & walking
The allotment is very needy
Andrew -Thanks be to God - has been offered a supply job at Inscape House, Salford, a specialist school for Autistic children.
Longsight makes me smile.
Have been reading Seamus Heaney, Pierre Berton, Bill Bryson and lots of theology
Went to three conferences in a row - (brain-ache) that were really stimulating
I have only 16 months until my PhD needs to be handed in - which prompts me to love you, and leave you :-)

Seven Swans and other things...

2006-06-03T00:45:00.000+01:00

The croft was wonderfully isolated, with a good walk [note: felt like a trek with 25kg of coal on your back, as Andrew will attest) over some boggy ground, through a 'wee gorge' and along a fairly rugged sheep track. We loved the place. It was a former working croft, and the ripple effect on the ground was quite poignant - each one representing a furrow for potato crops that were once the staple. Once Andrew had mastered the fire and the Rayburn (read Aga), we were cosy. No electricity meant that our bodies quickly tuned into the natural light. It was quite peculiar (well... late, late dusks 23.30 or so, and early, early dawns. Really though, there was a constant mellow glow. We read a lot about the crofting life, and one of the things I did not envy was the days that only lasted from 10.30 sunrise to 16.00 sunset that were nonetheless packed with relentless chores of peat cutting, winkle picking, and tending the cattle.

While we were there, all notion of discipline went to the wind really. We ate like... hmm. well, I don't know - we ate WELL. We gathered mussels and cooked them, gathered nettles (carefully) and made Nettle soup and risotto (not on the same night). We made a slow-aga baked rice pudding, bread, and a lovely crumble. We also bought smoked Brie and Salmon from a local Smokehouse. mmm. Suffering.

I nearly forgot the catalogue of wildlife we saw/alarmed... Red deer, sheep (including one character who kept running away from his mum...), an adult badger and two babies (kits?), golden eagles, a smallish herd of highland cattle, cuckoos, and Andrew's most intimate - a tick.

Since we've come back - it has been non-stop really. But we are very thankful for the time away. It is hard to believe we've been married for two years. Harder still to believe that this year is nearly half-way over! Apart from that...
Been thinking a lot about liberation theology, identifying with the poor, simplicity, technological materialism, beauty and the church. Had long conversations about discipline in small groups, and the intimacy they develop. Been trying to write a paper for Monday (gulp... not finished, hence the time!) A sermon for Sunday (mercifully done!) and a lot of other outstanding things that somehow have crept up on me (JUNE is SO FAR AWAY!!).

Et puis,

Welcome home Derk and Sandra and Lev.
Come on baby McCulloch, we can't wait to meet you!
Thanks for introducing us to Sufjan Stevens 'Untamed Be' - we owe you one.
We miss you Jenkins!

101 ways not to work on your PhD #1

2006-05-18T22:20:00.000+01:00

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

Which action hero would you be?

And here it is folks: I scored as Captain Jack Sparrow.

Roguish,quick-witted, and incredibly lucky, Jack Sparrow is a pirate who sometimes ends up being a hero, against his better judgement. Captain Jack looks out for #1, but he can be counted on (usually) to do the right thing. He has an incredibly persuasive tongue, a mind that borders on genius or insanity, and an incredible talent for getting into trouble and getting out of it. Maybe its brains, maybe its genius, or maybe its just plain luck. Or maybe a mixture of all three.

Captain Jack Sparrow 79%
Maximus 63%
Indiana Jones54%
Lara Croft 54%
Batman, the Dark Knight 50%
The Terminator 50%
The Amazing Spider-Man 46%
William Wallace 42%
El Zorro 38%
James Bond, Agent 007 33%
Neo, the "One" 29%

Well? How accurate do we think that is?

Oh, and the long term forecast is for rain - and cold... :-)

private, not public? public, not private.

2006-05-17T17:39:00.000+01:00

As soon as a blog is public, it makes you feel very vulnerable. I know that probably doesn't sound very logical, after all, a blog is public, BUT... wrestling with all kinds of issues in a public-private space is different, I think,that wrestling with them in public-public.

Be that as it may, having got my head around that issue, I'm back.

I finished reading Christianity Rediscovered. One of the most powerful and challenging books I've read in a long time. It had me in tears most of the day, my heart responding. I've also been cracking on (in my own slow way) with PhD, and preparation for classes. This last little while has been intense. The book resonated with me because it is talking about dilemmas I am currently/still trying to work through. What is gospel? What is the heart of it? How do we deal with enculturation? What does God want of us/me? I feel on the cusp of significant changes.

Other things that have struck me:
the vulnerability of the elderly and the ill. I've been visiting (along with a lot of others) Betty, from our church. An 85 year old Mancunian-born and bred, former munitions worker/baker/inspector/hotel receptionist, musical afficionado, Big Brother-watching lady, who, because she is ill, is being treated like she:
a. knows nothing
b. needs to know nothing
c. has no history, arrived in the present by a fortunate accident, and now needs to be told what to do, and how to do it.
It has been more than a little infuriating.

The beauty of the outdoors
We have got an allotment. I know that for some people that needs translation, but it is a plot of (currently) overgrown land, that you can dig/plant/tend/nurture. It is smack-dab in the middle of Levenshulme, and it sounds as if it is in the middle of nowhere. Blackbirds, finches, robins, blue-tits, chaffinches, all sing away. It is beautiful, and, for the princely sum of £50.00 per year, it is ours for as long as we tend it. We have been digging rubbish, sorting glass, raking, burning and roasting marshmallows, and it has been a delight. Good for the soul. Anyway, apparently (so spake the BBC, a group who really ought to know) the average british household spends (of its food budget) £2000.00 per annum on Vegetables and fruit. For the same amount of fruit and veg - five portions a day, per person, per household - the gardener can spend (drum roll please) £150.00. And, on top of that, get your hands dirty, your fresh air and exercise... I'm ranting, I know. Still, it's great.

The Highlands
We are leaving this weekend for a holiday in a croft. No mains electricity, no fridge, freezer, potable water, or road. It is a wedding present, and we can hardly wait! The croft is a 30 minute walk down a road, and overlooks the sea... and nothing else. It is going to be great (yes, and cold, and wet, I know!). We are planning our reading lists, meal lists, and how to leave the house in the hands of various friends! It is near the Hebrides, and is an unused croft. Andrew, when he told a friend (Don Maciver, the librarian here, from the Isle of Lewis), said that his response was "a croft is hard work" - it is easy now to take what is our holiday as normal for the dwellers, but all of that and no escape would probably make it all seem quite different.

Right then, that's all for now folks

The eyes have it

2006-04-10T18:04:00.000+01:00

So - the last week (I think it has only been that long) has been one of unmitigated misery in one-half of the b-l household. My poor eye - which began to swell into an unrecognisable prize-fighterish looking state - had an allergic reaction all on its own. After which (in the words of the doctor)a mercenary-like infection 'leapt in the back of it' and has made my life blurry. To say the least. Anyway, a round of antibiotics later (Thank God for all that) and I am nearly back to normal. I can tell you this though: I have never been more aware of how eye-dependent I am. From looking at people, gesturing, making wordless, but eye-full, comments. Reading, cutting, writing, typing, watching... it is amazing how often I/we use my/our eyes. The windows of the soul indeed.

So - I've read little, watched nothing, tried to use the enforced discipline to think, pray, sleep, and discovered all over again at how bad I am at any of those things, so... it's all very cheery!

I won't write much more, in brief though:
We miss Esther and Eifion already
Our god-children are experiencing their first out-of-the-womb Holy Week.
Andrew is working as hard as ever
Kids club at church pulled in a whole new crowd of kids
our church board retreat has left me/us with plenty to chew on...
A ships' wheel is called a helm. Really?

Bits and pieces of redemption

2006-03-21T08:07:00.000Z

Part 1
This week is an experiment at church - open 24 hours a day, 7 days of the week for prayer & reflection, in conjunction with Peace week. It has been little pieces of redemption that stand out, I think. One of our church members who has been struggling a lot with addiction volunteering to stay all the time, and staggered when we said yes. The indefatigible Tommy, hauling up and making coffee. The young people popping in to pray, taking candles and sitting still - and silent - for several minutes... (though they then tried to nick them!). And that was just day one. I've often lamented that churches lost their sanctuary status - and their door-open status. Partly because once when I was quite ill with depression, I was in the Lake District, and wandered into an open and empty church. I feel asleep on one of the pews for hours, and woke refreshed, and, I think, whole again.

Part 2
Our poinsetta (which we've nurtured along since Christmas a couple (?) of years ago - The Hendricks brought us this lovely little plant) is now over a foot tall, and is flowering! It is wonderful to see its red leaves appear.

Part 3
Andrew and I went to see Tsotsi If you haven't seen it- you should! It is a wonderful & powerful film. (It made me laugh when we went to get the tickets, since the lady serving asked us several times if we realised it was "a foreign film with subtitles". I imagined people walking out in a huff...) What an evocative film.

And lastly, the assembly. I survived. Partly because I sat at the back and made doves on the first day. Then, on the second day I was more than entertained by a combination of old friends and a lot of ideas that kept popping into my head about ways to do things differently. (Now, Rev. x, present your report in the style of... would liven things up a bit, or - Now, Rev. x, tell us the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, or - well, you get the picture).

Et, c'est ca.

rushed and random

2006-03-15T17:42:00.000Z

Well, I am snatching fifteen minutes to 'blog' - which I suppose is often really a stream of consciousness type of affair!

At the beginning of the week I thought it was going to be one of THOSE weeks! But, actually, it has been a mix. I set fire to soup (best not asking really), Andrew's bike was stolen, the replacement soup we made was rank, (:(), and so far, no climbing...
On the other hand, Andrew got into his module (hoorah!), our pregnant-asylum lady was rehoused, we had a really good pastoral team meeting, our church will hopefully making a difference (and on ALL FM this Friday's news) with a 24/7 prayer & vigil next week (the police know as well :-)), and I just survived my first meeting as PST dept. head. Phew.

Again on the other hand though, it's District Assembly weekend. I am torn. I want very, very much to not go. I don't want to let people down, not do my duty, and so, I want to go. Hmm. I'll use this blog as a confession, shall I? I am not at all sure about structure - I am not at all sure about the way we make decisions, and I am not always very sure about the decisions that we make. I love our DS however, and there are often times for friends to catch up, and for the CHURCH to be together in some way, but so often that way makes God seem small. ... But still, the jury is in: I would rather not go, but I will. So, now that challenge is to go with a good and gracious attitude. I've now moved from the confession, to plea - for prayers I suppose.

One of our friends sent a really thought provoking exploration of holiness, and the notion of journey. An area that I find endlessly fascinating. The tension between our expectations, conformity, understanding of holiness, personal & corporate aspects, all are fascinating to think through, and challenging to put into practice.

And, at the same time of thinking about holiness I am reading a book that reminds me of the unholy alleigance I offer to money, and those kind of things... So, there we have it.

What else? got a new fish tank (with a filter) and socrates is really happy in it. Discovered some of the iniquities of the benefits system, found no time for Phd, (I know, I know, why am I blogging then? Because in 20 minutes I can't even begin to PhD well... it is an art I need to learn), listened to some new-to-me music, and celebrated with friends on the birth of a baby (Ian & Carolyn's latest), the arrival of visas (people we'll miss), and the completion of an interview (Sue and Iulia). That's all for now folks.

Life in motion

2006-03-08T13:35:00.000Z

I've just eaten the most wonderful blood orange, which made me realise how much I miss taste.

Andrew and I have been reading the book Shopped, by Joanna Blythman, it is as Andrew says: 'life-changing, an expose [sorry about no accent, I don't know how to do it]of the systematic evil that supermarkets are. They destroy British food culture, destroy species, all the while pulling the wool over people's eyes, persuading them that they are help-ful, time saving and healthy businesses that care about their customers, suppliers and the community, when in fact they prostrate themselves before the God of mammon like servile sycophants.' So, the curse of employment continues.

Apart from that: in meetings, not PhDing well, reading Fergal Keane's Letter to Daniel, and counting down to the Sigur Ros concert... shopped in Unicorn, and... got a piano (not in Unicorn, they only sell food...)!! Wonderful.

Last night we had a really encouraging conversation with some friends from Church, about fellowhship,intimacy and community. They feel that they are closer now to people than they were before, that barriers are transcended, and that they are able to minister to others - which was good. It was a challenge to my perspective (always necessary). I've been wrestling a lot like that recently though. The sense of needed to be moving forward, to be rejoicing in others gifts, to be celebrating the diversity of our community, to be willing to be less, that others can be more, is a constant tussel for me. And I grow in my admiration of humble saints more and more...

A last thought is that we are constantly grappling right now with the issues people face in our community and in Britain. We're short-term housing a new lady - who at seven months pregnant has been made destitute. Who was it who says that you can tell a lot about a culture by the way they treat their elderly? I'd add, their vulnerable. It makes my blood boil. Then again, there are others around that we see - often - who are 'playing the system' which equally frustrates me. So... the questions of life continue.

The breath of God...

2006-03-02T14:55:00.000Z

The imposition of the ashes was last night. I found it a profoundly moving service (I think it was for almost everyone). I was struck by the great equalising of our faith, as father knelt before son, as husband knelt before wife, as people from different races knelt before one another. Very moved.

We heard this from Theophilus of Antioch:

God has given to the earth the breath which feeds it. It is his breath that gives life to all things and if he were to hold his breath, everything would be annihilated. His breath vibrates in yours, in your voice. It is the breath of God that you breathe - and you are unaware of it.

The crocuses and snowdrops are up - though today we had snow! I love this time of year - and the cold, crisp days. I wandered around the estate yesterday afternoon, and went to visit people. It was really fascinating the lives that people live. A woman I'm very fond of told me that one of her sons had 'looked like Donald Duck when he came out - honestly Dee, I love him, but ~*!"$ he was ugly'... the poor lad! She also asked me about 'being religious.' I often think of the estate as a good example of a place where we have to be rooted for the long-haul. There are no quick solutions really. No easy answers. Challenging to theology, methinks.

Have been PhDing today - not very well, since somehow I've lost my chapter. Yes, THE CHAPTER. I hope it is at home on that pen doodah, but in the meantime I've been reading Wesley... he is pithy, and surprisingly makes me laugh.

These days we've been able to catch up with some friends - not as much as we'd like. Louise has moved out, which means no more late night DVDS :-( But she's not very far, so maybe we can still do something... I sense that we need to somehow change time, so that it goes more slowly! It is hard to believe it is March.

Climbing has been okay for me [stop reading now if you want to avoid the technical stuff] (A top-rope 5+ with relative ease, and I've been leading 5s), but Andrew has been frustrated by an enormously long lead-climb... but completes 6a#s with no hassle on a top rope). I've recently discovered though that on the very long lead-climbing walls I suddenly have a VERY IRRATIONAL, but extrememly violent, fear reaction. I almost have to stop climbing, and then talk myself through it. It's completely about confidence and the mind. But OH MY, my mind is stubborn! (I know, I know, you know that!)

And so... back to work!

publicly 'naked' :-)

2006-02-21T11:28:00.000Z

Well, today I had the real version of those dreams where you are in your class teaching naked. Though fully clothed (phew!) I arrived this morning blissfully aware that Geordan was teaching... only to be disabused of the notion at twenty-to nine... when the class starts at quarter to!! Yikes. Nightmare. Quick run across, printed off old notes, ran back to teach - LIKE A WAKING BAD DREAM!! Pretty hilarious though!

Been reading Julian Barnes' latest - Arthur and George. I am a fan, and this is so well written I can sense the doom approaching - quite thought provoking really - about assumptions of 'place' and how you fit in (or not). This subject has come up quite often of late - partly because of the contrast between being a british citizen (which I am), having a strange accent (also true) and never knowing quite where you belong. I think that may be a common experience - even for those whose cultural identity if more solid, but it can be disconcerting to realise - all over again - that acceptance is only so deep. I actually find that in some places being 'not english' gives me an entry point - and the almost sub-concious adjustment of my accent is quite revealing (I realise that more and more)... so I sound queen like in the US, half-british in a lot of countries, and quite Canadian on the Newbank estate in Longsight.

Yesterday it was bitter out, and Lynn and I were trawling the estate for our feasability study... (so far demonstating exactly what we knew - there is a need to care for children, teens are ignored, and adults are scared). While there though I had the pleasure of seeing on of our 'lads'. Does anyone remember Kyle? He's just 'out' and trying to 'sort himself out' - his brother and their friend are still inside - Kyle has always been lovely [to us] - and was one of the 'baker boys' - cornflake pie and custard. I did the study with him, and he told me that 'the lads need something, you know, something to keep them out of trouble.' It was such a joy to see him - I think that God willing, Kyle could one day be a minister. I hope for him.

The Nutcracker & the rest

2006-02-16T10:14:00.000Z

The days rush by. It is a beautiful, crisp spring day, the crocuses are out... snow-drops are coming, and the back of winter seems to be broken (not the nicest expression ever, as I think about it!). Still, I love days like this.

A quick review of life:

Last night Helen & I went to the ballet - The Nutcracker, by Grigorovich, danced beautifully by a Moldovan company. It was truly beautiful- the strength & grace of the dancers was moving - and the perfect syncronisation of the pairs was incredible. It made me think a lot about the discipline that leads to instances of grace - the latter only possible because of the former.

This is a week for going out - on Tuesday my mum (ably assisted by dad) made a delicious meal - chicken breast en crout, asparagas spears, new potatoes, harvard beets, oh my, the table was groaning!! There was an interesting group there: Pete & Sue, Davide & Tanya, Andrew & I, mum and dad - and we talked for hours about all kinds of things - especially grace & holiness, and the communit(ies) of faith that we are a part of. It was really healthy to just spend time talking.

And... let me see - I've finished Orpan's Snow. And am reading Jon Snow's autobiography - he is a REALLY travelled and quite fascinating man. He keeps being rather brutally honest about the UK/US/West complicity and duplicity in world affairs going badly wrong... I'm re-reading The Fionavar Tapestry and, inspired by my brother am also rereading Augustine's Confessions. I am also grappling with Living Prayer - by Metropolitan Anthony. I can hardly read it - it convicts me, moves me, challenges me, so.

My fingers are sore today, so I imagine the spelling in this is all crook - but we've been back lead climbing. AND, I've progressed to 5+ on the top rope. Yesterday I made one by using my head to wedge myself in a corner while I blindly groped around behind me with my right foot. Oh for the video!

I can't think of much else of interest really... The classes have been going well (I think) - Geordan has been team teaching in Church History and yesterday was his first session. I loved it. It was really lovely to learn... and - the spiritual formation class is really making people struggle - which is also great (I think!). I baby-sat God-daughter Katie last week, she was ill, and I felt really sorry for her. I changed her nappy but there were no other clothes out for her, and I didn't fancy rooting around for some, so I left her in her vest,and she just curled up and fell asleep in my arms. She is deceptive looking, because she is actually VERY heavy :-) But is was a nice feeling - like she trusted me or something.

Oh - I almost forgot - for those friends who use this to keep track of our house too!! The (slightly crooked) homemade shelves are up - and one set left to go, then the bathroom will be DONE. Hoorah!

And - lastly, for those of you who know that Andrew and I got slightly addicted to LOST... I have had it really. What the HECK is that ending about?!

Oh the Places you can go!

2006-02-01T15:53:00.000Z

I went for a wonderful walk along the Rhine this last weekend- crisp, clear air. I was trying to skip stones (probably not possible on a frozen eddie, but still, you never know), and then the local swan population came my way. They are really beautiful birds, so gracious (once, my dad was attacked by a swan, and we realised that grace & beauty don't necessarily equate with pleasant!). It was good to clear my head, and be outside, just breathing. I sometimes think we don't do that very much.

Term has started, and that means that rhythms of life can begin again - climbing (still at 5+ level, but I climbed a wall today so hard and my arms were so pumped that I was actually in pain from it)... meals with friends... teaching. This term I'm team teaching Church History (from the pre-reformers to now... quite a lot of scope for up-rooting preconceptions dear to students' hearts! :-)) and Spiritual Formation. The latter is going to be the challenge - after setting the basis for growth, the students (and I'm accompanying them) are going to be engaged in practices of the church - and THAT I think will be hugely stretching for us all.

Heather & I had time together in the airport yesterday, which was a great ministry to me - I hope also to her. We talked a lot about prayer, and crucifiction. I think that at times I've been prone to underestimate the need for prayer, & have been shy about it - but the more I grapple with life, & depression, & the universe, & church, the more I realise that somehow the discipline -the breathing of prayer - the unceasing of prayer, is a desperate need for me, for us.

Also been re-reading the orthodox prayer poems I printed from the blog 'Now & Ever' (from Matt F's site).... Brilliantly woven expressions of love & prayer. I hope that reading them will mean I absorb them into my soul...

Finally - various up-dates:
the bathroom
- nearly done...
Andrew's bike
-nearly stolen (he stopped them in the final clip of the chain!)
reading - finished L'Engle, started Orhan Patuk, Emerging Church...
music for some reason I love the Gorrilaz right now, can't stop playing it... & Gonzalez... & Avro Part (totally subjective, totally based on mood)
PhD paper Still working on it!

The long silence

2006-01-23T17:21:00.000Z

Well, almost a month to the day I'm in much the same position: treating myself to fifteen minutes off to up-date The Blog. It's been a long month.

There's no real order to the things I'm about to write, I suppose. I handing my first draft of my first draft of my first chapter last week. THAT has been the main reason for silence. It turns out that my self-criticism of the chapter (It's one on Wesley) was stunningly accurate, and that it needs to become two. Yikes. So, another deadline is on my horizon. Actually, I really enjoyed writing it in the end. Knew less than I realised, and found a latent ability to lock the door and just read and write. A lot of it was worked on in Ffald-y-Brenin,which is such a beautiful place it almost makes you ache. The pattern worked well - I studied, Andrew and I walked, and in the evenings we all watched LOTR, and loitered over good meals and coffee.

Pastoring has been an on-going challenge, of searching for resurrection stories in the midst of very harsh and complicated lives. Our congregation is facing a lot of challenges I think, some overt, and some are bubbling away below the surface. I think that perhaps adventure & passion somehow need to be rediscovered.

The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood, Shopped, and various other books are being read avidly & enjoyed.

Still grappling with the need for depth, solitude, healthful practices, humour, and the way to be so rooted and grounded in God that God-ness overflows.

And, the latter thought has been prompted, in part, by the death of Derek Liebenberg. Too young. To quote Matt, May Derek's memory be eternal.

Other people's blogs

2005-12-20T16:15:00.000Z

Well, I'm in my office -between grading, and have given myself a break to watch the pink streaky sunset, and write a little. The last little while has been/felt fairly insane. Last week flew by, and was consumed with people-ness. It was an interesting counterpoint to reading essays on 'Out of Solitude,' 'Encountering the Other' and 'In the Name of Jesus' (Nouwen, Vanier, and Nouwen again). The importance of solitude is underestimated I think - and this time of year always makes the issue arise in my mind: the need for solitude, and the difference between that and loneliness. It is quite a struggle for so many just now - who are alone

Today, I've spoken to "Rainbow Haven" a lot about destitute asylum seekers - it is hard to think of all the reasons they have heard over the last couple of days about why there is "no room for them" - and the need to open-heartedly offer hospitality - even at risk. I was put in mind of Victor Hugo's Les Mis, and the Bishop (or was he a priest) who offers the silver plates to Jean Val Jean as well as the candlesticks. It is hard to hold lightly onto things. It is hard to open your house to strangers. And yet, I suppose I've also been thinking about the "entertaining angels unaware" type of things - and serendipity (prevenient grace?!). And, the faith-imperative (or is it a gift?) to be welcoming.

So, apart from those kind of internal struggles, things are moving along... No new job for Andrew, but last night he came in and said that "Joe" had spoken to him for a while, and Andrew had lent him Avro Part's Te Deum (Andrew's favourite music just now - he listens to it all the time). I think that Andrew saw that as a really positive conversation. I'll be really interested to know Joe's response, since his favourite album is The White Album!

Random features of life

Hmm. Let's see, what else? I hit a post in the car today. Grrr. And have read a lot of interesting thoughts about the emergent church. For those of you who faithfully ask if I've written anything (yet)... the answer is a resounding No. Sometimes I feel sabotaged... But probably the saboteur is a strange combination of myself and that old tyrant, the urgent. However, I have high hopes for the next few weeks. I've also been reading the Genesis Trilogy by Madelaine L'Engle. Oh my, she makes me think so much. I've had a lot of arguments/debates with people about evangelism and the wrath of God. And have found myself asking all kinds of questions about my own assumptions relating to The Evangel. Also, finally got around to watching Garden State. Really enjoyed it.

And, between all of these things have been experiencing the subtle pressures of blog-world. Some blogs are so wonderful they make me think for ages... some are so good at regularly updating, it's great! Some are so full of good conversation it's amazing... . For those friends who do the daily-blog- thanks! You give me something to aspire to! For those of you who don't, thanks!! You don't make me feel so bad!

Meanwhile - may this week be one of blessed encounters for us all.

A collectivist

2005-12-09T10:57:00.000Z

well, I'm now a signed-up member of a collective - which basically is me, and a lot of (mostly) older men, and one feminist. It's called the Urban Theology Collective and meets annually at St. Deiniol's Library. Between times the collective shares, connects and supports each other. I joined by accident really, but am glad I have.

One of the beauties of the conference was that it has a leisurely schedule - and the base of St. Deiniol's makes it a truly inspiring time/place/space - very conducive to study... and the conversations and discussions of the collective were wonderful, eclectic and occasionally truly hilarious.

My room at the library was Lindisfarne Basically decorated around the theme of the Holy Place, with carefully selected books/decor to evoke the sights of the community. It looked out over a graveyard, where I went walking. The graveyard was really sad - mostly 17th and 18th century graves. One of them had a list of the children of "Mary and Thomas"... who had died between a day and 13 years old. It was heart-breaking. There was also "drowned at sea" and of course, the World Wars. Incidentally, the previous occupant of Lindisfarne was the Canon of Winchester Cathedral - which made for interesting thoughts (did that put me in bed with the Church of England??).

I also learned a lot - and had my thinking provoked - most particularly by a Transactional Therapist, Brian Tebbutt, and (one of my heroes) John Vincent. What interesting people. John Vincent is just old enough to get away with shamelessly flogging his own books on every occasion possible, astutely (but disconcertingly) interrupting every paper with questions (usually good ones), and being confident enough to be very generous to people in engaging them in conversation. He has written a book called Radical Jesus which I really like - and gave me a guide to go with it... He also has helped develop an Ashram community based in Sheffield, which sounds quite unique - it has a fair trade/ vegan shop (though he tucked into sausages this morning!), a place for people to live, and generally seems seriously alternative.

Now it's back to reality. The water is off in our house altogether, since the leaking is now pretty bad. The plasterer is finished though - and it is smooth in there. The first pile of essays arrived on my desk (happy advent!), and the first requests for extensions are creeping in. (no!) Ahhh well - it is nice to have rhythm.

We're cooking a meal and going out to The Messiah tonight, which I love. (I am already trying to discipline myself not to sing/hum along!)... and tomorrow we're heading over to our "Padrino's" Jan and Sharon's for the day. They are really good at asking us questions, Jan always begins by asking us how our marriage is going... He has a knack of being deeply blunt (afrikaans-style) and deeply caring all at the same time.

I also just finished Pilger. What a read. I probably need to go back and re-read it to absorb the threads of his arguments. It did provoke me to think, more and more, about how much more I need to think about being an activist/protester/alternative community dweller. I also read Pinter's speech/rant... again, thought provoking. What does it mean to be a peace-maker?

Right, off for coffee...

Socrates is dead

2005-11-30T13:20:00.000Z

Which is very sad news indeed. He is survived by Mo. Such is the way of all things, we are like grass that withers and dies.

I've had him for five years, and he has, no doubt shortened his life by falling off the counter once, (although we caught him before he hit the floor) and also by jumping out of a cup once. Still, I am quite sad.

Apart from that, I've just finished a most wonderful book, called "Compassion and Community" written by Illtyd Barrie Thomas (most of us call him Barrie). It is amazing how God plants a call in people's hearts, and then works by grace within them. So... the idea of care and acceptance keep rattling around in my brain. (almost said braid there, but since I don't have one that would be hard.) I've also started reading The New Rulers of The World -and am discovering (as Andrew has before me) that every page makes you mad. Not one to read at bedtime.

I've been on a book-ordering fest - for the library at NTC. What a great job! Heaps of books that can influence and mould, challenge and form lives.

Andrew and I also had some really good - though conclusionless - (not really inconclusive) conversations about the power of God - and passion for him. How do we see God's power at work, and how do people who are believers reveal the Glory of the Lord? We're inclined to think that it is often in the small ways, but sometimes we crave epiphany and advent... which I suppose are both great and small, revelation and mystery.

house update

The plasterer is in, though in the way of all things Brower Latz, he has dropped his chisel and broken the toilet cistern. Apparently the plumber has also come, and will do his best to sort us out. Though he also explained that the ceiling leak is from the bath waste-water which, when it drips runs towards the light fittings of the kitchen. Does that make sense to anyone?? Why would water run towards the very thing that makes it most dangerous? I don't get it. Okay, all for now.

Chicken Stock for the winter

2005-11-28T14:45:00.000Z

The promised snow has arrived, and it is beautiful - our cobbled street has suddenly been transformed into a [treacherous] victorian winter-card, the whole world seems closer, and fresh, and clean. I love this kind of weather, most especially when I can burn candles, and sit cosily inside, or go wading through the snow and 'play'... knowing that warm clothes are possible. We're so priviledged here - I am conscious that snow - such a delight to our eyes here - is also so deadly elsewhere just now... That candles, so readily available, are a precious commodity elsewhere. That snow - for us - almost a luxury item, is longed for on 'the farm' and noticably absent still - foreshadowing months of drought and fear.

This last week has been one of growth - and pain (the two often go together for me). And I have been reminded over and over again of the need to be grounded In Christif anything is going to make sense. I've also experienced a lot of grace - for which I am grateful, and awed.

Term is winding down... advent is upon us - and this waiting, waiting begins.

Andrew and I are also trying to do more "from scratch" - yesterday that meant he roasted a whole chicken, carved it, and has been making stock from the bones - there is something so earth-y about using the whole. He makes bread too - which always makes me smile - since I recall Matthew making us bread - years ago, and delivering it to various parties. As yet, climbing has still been on the back burner - it needs to come off it soon!!

We've also both been enjoying the catalogue. Especially "We accept ugly"... Good.

Okay, all for now.

Many shades of beige

2005-11-21T15:23:00.000Z

today is foggy in Manchester - I love it when it's like this, I can just see the shape of the old maple out of my window, and the air is cooling to breathe. crisp, lovely, mysterious weather. Andrew is at home, ill, and it is a good day for it really - curled up, sleeping, waking to drink hot milk, and then sleeping again. he's thoroughly exhausted, which generally = ill. Not so good. If you're our praying friends, please pray for his working life. Apart from feeling ethically-oppressed by the 'asda-walmart' job, he is also knackered by it - but so far, we're not getting anywhere. We are reminded weekly at church of how good it is to have any job but that's difficult to remind yourself of sometimes.

we're settling in - had a huge family (bar the Russian's) dinner yesterday - and my, we ate well. We can recommend [for the Sweet-toothed amongst you] Jamie Oliver's cholocate tart. Rich as. And, you don't actually have to be naked to cook it. Apart from that, all photos are up and it is beginning to feel ours. our first house-guest moves in tonight - for which we thank God. It seems a fulfilment of our decision to get this house...

So - let's see. nothing v. interesting to report (sadly). No climbing, no nothing for me for about three weeks now. that has to change! However, term is nearly finished! amazing.

And - here are a few of the bottles of paint in the cellar: china cup, natural linen, natural beige, parchment, calico, natural hessian, natural wheatgrass, wheatgrass, lemon grass, light wicker, soft white, magnolia... NOW I ASK YOU, how are you supposed to tell the difference between them??? Our wall is beginning to look quite funny though - we've yet to discover which one actually matches it, so, I'm inventing a new one: patchy beige. So there Crown Paints.

The Move - & friendships

2005-11-15T12:49:00.000Z

well, as i sit here eating my marmite and fruit lunch, i thought i'd reflect a little of the last few days.

first, we are IN. all boxes bar cellar ones are unpacked, and we are in the phase of "now where did we PUT that??" generally followed by "why did we put it THERE?!!!" The house is beginning to feel like "home." Books are out and arranged, and our photos and pictures are now beginning to find their niches. It is odd to have three floors (four, if you count the cellar -which I keep referring to as basement, strange how canadianisms slip out every now and then), and my calves are sore from unacccumstomed climbs! The views out the back are really good - there is an enormous horse chestnut tree some distance away that provides drama. Also, to our great joy, the garden/courtyard has blue tits!

The only drama (still) is the bathroom, which was unexpectedly gutted by eager helpers, to a degree that we hadn't anticipated - so we'll need a plasterer, electrician and plumber some day soon!! (but the water & hence the heat is now on - good news!).

The house is truly lovely -and we are discovering over and over again how rich we are in friends & family - who sacrificed much of their time to come and help us. They lightened the burden and shared in our joy. They've tirelessly fetched, carried, put things together, fixed things, brought flapjacks, thermoses, calming presence and good spirits - oh, and made coffee ... Andrew and I are beholden. Now, we are beginning to think about more normal rhythms of life being able to reemerge on our life's score. We've been talking a lot about hostitality, friendship, and sacred space and life. We're going for our first ever outdoor climb this weekend - (yes, I know it's cold. Yes, I know it will probably be wet. Yes, we'll be careful!)

Apart from all of that - one of the funny aspects of the move was my discover of a bag with my Christmas present in it!! So I've now read a new biography of ted hughes, whose poetry I love. It's yet to be determined if I'll get a present on Christmas day! Hughes is sucha wordsmith, he captures so much of nature - both light and dark. Andrew and I have been reading his translation of Beowolf together, and his descriptions are vivid, and rhythms captivating.

And so... onto class.

But just as I go, if you're reading this, and a friend - whether absent or present - Thank you.

3 sleeps to go

2005-11-08T08:26:00.000Z

(If you can call what I'm doing at the moment sleeping!) And then we move into our new house... Oh my, it is going to be interesting... Currently we have three chairs, a table, some crockery left - the rest of our house is in boxes... It could be quite interesting come Friday! Several friends have offered to help - for which we are thankful! Strong backs and good cheer are welcome! Others will provide me tissues as I say good bye to our/my garden. Exciting, and odd all at the same time. Funny how life does that to you.

The leaning tower

2005-11-04T10:58:00.000Z

So - Pisa. How wonderful to be there! We arrived by Ryan Air (we got to sit together and everything! Not bad for not much) and caught a bus into the city - not very far at all. Then, we wandered on foot until we could find our Alberge. Called Hotel Serena, is was absolutely hilarious. We walked into to the home of plastic flowers. Rang the bell, heard rustling from several floors up, and an old man's voice: Qui'en? Qui'en? And he leaned over and beckoned us up flights of stairs. We went, and then he shuffled from a flat, across the landing and signed us to follow, creaked open the door to an old room, with marble floors (cracked), a creaky bed, an un-openable wardrobe, and marble-topped furniture with the tops askew. Hmm. We shut (and locked) the door, and then fell about laughing. It was too funny. But - hey, it was 1*. The toilet incidentally, was in a long room, which had a door at one end, the shower (which dripped -I mean as the shower), which you walked through, a sink, and then the loo... Oh my!

Anyway, we camp, so oh well, right? And, we weren't really there for the room. So we wandered. Oh, it was lovely. We roamed the city at dusk, and our first glimpse of the tower was as we sauntered down a windy, non-touristy road... and there, at the end of it, seven stories of leaning marble. (apparently the tilt is over four metres now!). It was beautiful. Andrew was also very amused by a leaning tree... (photos to come!).

The tower is magnificent - and the Duomo is immense, and spectacularly carved. And, then was the scene of a distress for me - and now I'll share it with you. It is FREE to enter - so we did - and we were herded like sheep behind a rope to gaze through the dome - whilst at the front, a service took place - out of our hearing, with perhaps ten men, people jostling with one another to take video, and photos. The whole thing hurt my brain. Better than york? Worse? Free meant visible, but not reverence... The expense of the dome pointed people to what?

As you can imagine (by now) we also ate our way through the city - a wonderful meal of bread, tomato, mozarella salad, pizza, wild-boar and polenta, followed by a brioche with granita... cafe. Breakfast, sweet rice cakes, grande cafe, lunch, penne pasta with amaticiana sauce, foccace and parma, insalate... cappacino, Ah, the bliss...

And - the whole time, no phone.

Wonderful. And now, to work...

Travels back in time

2005-11-04T10:37:00.000Z

If you don't want a blow-by-blow account of the last week, don't keep reading! It has been lovely.

Where to begin? We've had such a wonderful stretch of a week - from Jo & Steve's arrrival to a cosy car journey home from Pisa... In terms of territory - we covered a fair amount - we went to see Little Moreton Hall (I remembered it from childhood days out with our family - Derek & I were blessed by parents who took us places) an old tudor house. It is always a bit staggering to realise that the who building was begun pre Christopher Columbus.

Then, onto Powis Castle's three-hundred year old yew hedge, which creeps lumpily up the side of the hill, and provides many trysting benches. It is truly a spectacular garden, and has enormous structural plants, and colours that nature puts together to stun. The precision of the box hedge, and the imagination of the first gardener... Who would never see her work mature, but had an eye. Truly breath-taking vision. (I am more and more convinced of the notion of organic gardening as a metaphor for christian leadership).

Our next venture into history was York - which we probably did not do justice to - Steve and Jo went into the Minster... for a price. I had an internal (and external!) debate about paying to go into Holy Places. I just don't know. I think at the least there should be a prayer chapel near-by. We also followed Andrew's remarkable food-based-map-reading-mind to a small independent cafe, where we ate sumptious lunches (including a great rarebit) and Andrew & I had (very sweet!) desserts.

On the food front, and closer to (our new-next week-we-hope-home) we also went to That Cafe. It is truly a delight to the senses, and we ate beautiful, sense-ational food. The food was matched by great company - and we are reminded of how seldom many of our conversations seem to touch on wide-ranging discussions about things that really matter.

Hmm. Probably offended lots of people there. I'll keep explaining, I suppose because we see Steve and Jo so rarely, and know that in reality it will be YEARS before we do again, we talked about more than just daily life. ... I imagine that it is a bit like the difference between snatching time with the person you love before hand, and then being married. Not that you don't talk deeplyanymore but that you also talk about cleaning the house, and paying bills, and taking the rubbish out... and that is normal and wonderful at the same time... But, it is different than when you first began. Sometimes friendships are like that (I think). It sometimes takes effort and deliberate choice, to actually go beyond football/films/tv/work. That's all. And there is a part of me that craves being a little deeper... and, in marriage, you make that happen by choice... so maybe I need to try more in other arenas. (right, getting myself into greater holes here, I'll stop.)

So - from York, to Stansted, and onto Pisa. Perhaps that will be the next installment.

Being loved into life

2005-10-27T09:39:00.000+01:00

The world of heaven and earth, rushing in to meet each other

Wright has a way of turning a phrase that almost makes you gasp - an 'ah ha!' moment of recognition that you knewthis but that you could never have phrased it that way withou a 'Wright' breaking the ground for you. We had tea with him and his wife last night - and they were lovely, and normal... We talked about lumberjacks, the Quebecois, and autism (amongst other things) and it was congenial and ordinary. Which, I suppose is one of the things that helps him communicate so brilliantly.

Anyway, back to what he is saying: gives a great summary of most of his work and in these lectures, he is definitely (re) considering the essential goodness of the created order. Last night he had a very interesting discussion of 'the dark' which talked a lot about people either becoming more like God... closer and closer to the image they were made in and thus more fully human, and then its opposite - consistent choices away from God, towards de-humanity. In a sense cooperating over and again with one's own dehumanisation. Sin. It was such rich food for thought.

For those of you who are keeping tabs on Andrew - he had a review at work, and was offered four more hours - they also told him that if they could, they would employ him as their consultant theologian, since he makes them think in new ways. I thought that was lovely. Especially since Asda/Walmart (do I have to copyright that or something?) is so soul destroying (...not to mention planet...). We are now earnestly looking for something else that will be more fulfilling, and whole (if that makes sense.) We were talking last night about that though - and the hope that we have that he will find something else - so different that the people we are encountering day in and day out who cannot get any job, and when/if they do, it is numbing and dehumanising... and thus, (I conclude) somehow in collusion with 'the dark' and sin.

Apart from that, some more news of the week (aside from Steve and Jo arriving today - the world of the North - here we come!) is the beginning of new chapters for me at NTC - for some reason (lack of choice!) the faculty have made me (conferred the honour of being) the head of Pastoral and Social Theology here. So - this week I started in earnest trying to consider what that might mean. It is hugely challenging and will, I hope, be rewarding. But it has occurred to me over and again how huge the responsibility all of that is & will be.

Right, onto read.

"Life after Life after death"

2005-10-25T08:23:00.000+01:00

So, our lives this week are arranged around the Didsbury Lectures and the Right Good honourable your grace Dr. N.T. "Bishop Tom" Wright. (I prefer Mister Tom, more human). The man has a huge brain... and lectured really well for an hour, without saying Um once. His topic which tackled death and beyond is actually quite a moving one - and for Christians is something we probably are quite woolly about - but my, he was good. Andrew - who loves Bishop Tom unreservedly - was rapt, and even asked a question. (I've never yet had the nerve -though I think of a lot!).

I was really moved partly because he maintains that who we are NOW and what we do in the body MATTERS... (an answer to my questions about weed, greed and mis-deed?) and, indeed, that Christians should care more for the world on the basis of God's Justice and His love of His creation. Nothing that I didn't already know... but certainly something that it is good to be reminded of.

the big move
the move (if it happens) is only 17 days away. Yikes. People keep saying that I need to make sure I don't forget to pack! Since my prevailing model of getting ready to go anywhere has been to pack the night before, I think that what they really mean is we need to start packing SOON....

it will have to wait for us to have jaunted all over (with our friends from California who come this weekend - we are SO excited! Chester, York, the dales, here we come!)... and then for my birthday-trip to Pisa Thanks my love!! THEN, when feet are firmly on the ground, we'll begin to sort/box-up/rearrange/give-away.

So - apart from that I've still been reading Said's Cultural Imperialism It's slow reading (I've been re-reading my Louis L'Amour collection, and after that, anything that engages brain cells is slow-going!!) but really fascinating - and something called 'Church Next.' (which doesn't mean everyone who wears clothes from Next, though you could be forgiven for thinking so from its very au currant book cover. Don't judge a book and all that...

Right, going to teach, perchance to dream...

remarkably cheerful, all things considered

2005-10-18T14:57:00.000+01:00

Well, I too have been rendered virtually unconcious by the dreaded (and virulent) autumn cold season. Sniffing, snorting, and generally feeling woe-begotten. Great word! [I also like habedashery...as a word I mean]. It's laid me so low there's been no climbing, no outside-ness, no nothing.

Already we are four weeks into term - it seems impossible, but I know it is true - because my class notes say so! I'm only teaching two classes this term - church history (which I love, some of the early guys are incroyable . For instance how's this for a slur: 'they are the sons of satan.' Or this for a name: Saint Mary the Harlot. I've really been enjoying this class - by and large they are really engaged - and it is great to see things dawn- we had great debates today about persecution - and standards of personal holiness. Some of my students think that "great persecution" is coming to The West. I'm not so sure. We don't seem to deserve it. (unpack that!)

Then - my second class (Christian Leadership) was also really interesting - we were looking at world views. At morality. I've been wrestling SO MUCH with a series of those questions myself that it is great to learn from the students what they are thinking. My questions this week are all about grace. How far can people step outside of grace before you would have to say that they are not in grace? Why is weed/benefit fraud/idle-ness considered so wrong by most of us - when we may be fat/greedy/too busy? How does the "peace of God" come?

The sermon in chapel helped me (I can't go into detail but in the last two weeks I've experienced more of what I can ONLY describe as utter pyschosomatic spiritual attack - even had visions - if you see me, ask me - but be prepared!!) since it was all about being worthy of our citizenship in heaven - and living our lives in the opposite pole to the "empire." It is amazing how often I find God meets me at my point of need - and lest I sound totally self-centred - it is usually only in community that that is true. In particular (apologies Matt that I've adopted these, but they often help me) the Orthodox prayers for the morning and evening. They are so profound and ageless, and the sense of the choirs of angels and cloud of witnesses saying them with me always moves me.

Apart from that, I am going to find time this evening to BE.

So - having been castigated and damned to hell, i find myself remarkably cheerful today - we'll see what tomorrow brings.

opportunities don't always knock

2005-10-14T12:06:00.000+01:00

Well, yesterday is over. That's good. I was low, low, low (as REM would say. Today however is a Macey Gray day. She cheers me up.

I coached football this morning (for those who know me, smile now). It was really fun. I had 12 children, aged 10, and it reminded me of when my brother used to play ice-hockey as a little boy. No! Wrong Way... No, don't ALL follow the ball... Keeper, why are you up the post????? Hilarious. I love Friday mornings when this is my lot. It reminds me of hope I suppose.

This week I had a PhD supervision meeting - yikes. I have about 1500 words a week to write for the next few - feel free to ask me about it. I need shame as a motivator!! It is funny, but I am concious every day of the privilege it is to be able to study. To have studying funded. To be able to read, and write. To be able to have conversations with people as equals. It seems a slog, but, not many people have the opportunity. A lot of people in our congregation remind me to be thankful, every day, for the sheer options that I/we have. It struck me all over again this week when I was talking to a "job-seeker" who can not find a job, is not given a chance, does not hold out any hope, and so has NO options, no money, no recreation, no life, bar stolen/borrowed/'i'll pay you back' weed & TV. Supplied by different corporations every time they are cut off...

Less than a month to go before we move house. Funny, if you've seen the v.good film howl's moving castle (really good children's books JA,by Dianne Wynne Jones, I'm a new fan, god-children look out) it INVADED my dreams last night - and I was looking for our house everywhere. I ended up in the outer hebrides. maybe there's a wish in there somewhere?

Okay, just waffling now. Tomorrow is one of my most dreaded days. Graduation. Every year it steals time, and every year my hat (publicly) falls off. Argh.

And finally, I had to get my sermon ready for Sunday - and the preparation really spoke to me (The Lord heard my prayers). 1 Thessalonians 1: 1-10 if you're interested. Enduring in love. nice one.

It's not easy being...

2005-10-13T12:16:00.000+01:00

So, the thing about being a Christian in community is that it is not easy. Darn it. You always seem to make mistakes, and sometimes you aren't given the opportunity to make it better. That makes it tough.

My dad and I just had a conversation where I recounted the latest (and it has left me literally shaking) encounter with someone in our congregation - my dad's entirely accurate summary of it was this: this is Christian leadership -it hurts followed by "leave it with the Lord."

I guess I have to! but I wish the Lord would talk more back at me sometimes. :-)

I also have a new book to read: Robert Jordan's latest. About time.

the cosms

2005-10-10T18:52:00.000+01:00

Part one: Macrocosm of World tragedy

It seems odd and a little off to blog when there is tragedies going on. I've always found that a strange thing. Over there people are dealing with life-and-death-and-suffering, and somehow, because we are people, we over here should be (are??) deeply touched - even damaged. So, it is at the forefront of our minds that India, Pakistan, Mexico, Guatemala, Sudan, Niger are all suffering enormously. Except that it isn't. Why not? What is wrong in my head that my life is so utterly unaffected by these terrible things. Sure, we live simply, (or try? do we really?). Certainly, we pray (enough? Can you pray enough?). We even give. But... the local tragedy (the son of a friend, brother of a friend, arrested last night, social services called...) seems to take over. I need to think through the balance.

Part 2: microcosm Brower-Latz

So, we can all breathe now - the contracts are apparently exchanged, which means (we think) that we now own 12 Worsley Grove, and don't own 52 Slade lane, even though we are living in the latter, and not the former... We "complete" on the 11th November. Should be good.

I am having an odd week (already). Last night, preached possibly the most difficult sermon I've had to -in the church of a pastor who ran away LAST weekend with a woman from the congregation. Really, really tragic. We sang a lot of very defiant songs - initially, I felt like I was singing as the titanic sank, but, since I preached on a combination of 2 Cor 4 and Matthew 11, I guess defiance in the face of weight-ed-ness felt normal - even appropriate.

I would want to castrate my husband if he left me for another (he knows this, and assures me he won't). The thing is, I've become more and more acutely aware of how community-damaging this kind of a thing is- so many suffering people.

Apart from that, I am wrestling -shall I do it out loud? What makes up a congregation? What is church? What kind of leaders should we have? I am finding myself polarised between a "church growth fan" and my own inkling that there is something much more to be looked for. I yearn for community - where do we find that? how does the congregation that gathers become intimate?

My second wrestle is with an odd feeling of dis-jointedness - internally, I suppose. It's hard to pin down, but is related to various (probably best non-public) issues that I don't think I've resolved in my head... The thing is, the last time I wrestled like this, I went under. I don't think I am 'drowning' just now, but I can still feel the black dog.

Went climbing again tonight, however had a "sweet chilli problem." No, that is not a raving climbers term for a hard move - rather, it is the result of yesterday morning, my dropping a full bottle of sweet chilli from a shelf of great height. With great skill and finesse it landed on the bone between the joints on my big toe. The bruise is raised, and so forcing my feet into climbing boots - well, let's just say it wasn't good. The end result was an hour of feeble climbing...

Reading Edward Said's Culture and Imperialism. Has anyone read Nostromo by by Conrad? Is it as grim as The heart of darkness? Said recommends it. I'll see.

Anyway, I'm avidly reading other people's blogs - but I don't understand how to respond to people's comments, so I'll have to try and learn...

Adieu

public?! Oh my...

2005-10-07T14:44:00.000+01:00

Well, now that this is more public, i am blushing... it was more of an experiment. However, i suppose i'll persevere. the book Soil and Soul is, i guess an ecofeminist, political book, that looks at so many issues it is hard to pin down. i really enjoyed it, though it made me think - and, i think i mentioned earlier that sometimes that unleashes a lot of different emotion. One chapter, called the womanhood of God led APBL and me into huge discussions about metaphors for God. I feel perfectly happy refering to God as like a mother, chick, wise-woman etc... but not at all as comfortable at calling God she. I can't decide why though.

apart from that, today has been early - team meeting - we talked about sabbath. it's my month to lead our devotions, and I've been really challenged by the hebrew concept of "day" - which begins in the evening and carries on into sunlight... and throughout the next hours to sundown. it seems healthy, since it makes the onus for life God's. While i sleep, God is active. i am healed. rested. refreshed. and in the morning, when I wake upm, i enter into what God is already doing... the slip-stream, if you like, of God's action. Quite thought-provoking, and reassuring. There is also a whole section dealing with the "bastard sabbath" which is, what we call the "day off." The author objects to that because he thinks that we use 'days off' as utilitarian. (I do this so that I'll be able to work more...) which really abuses the whole concept. I need to think on it, but I think i'll try and weave it into our lives.

incidentally, we've been religiously climbing three times a week, which has been great. yesterday i climbed a series of 5++, which for me was FANTASTIC and so fulfilling! The problem is that my forearms are now too big for most of my dress shirts (don't worry, i don't yet look quite like popeye... but's it is a danger). I think it is my brower genes, but I bulk up fairly easily...

Other random things
ugly past fact
reading for my phd - in the journal of eigtheenth century studies. the only reason men were prosecuted for rape in the 1800s was because the woman lost 'market' value. nice.
good past literature
reading Seneca On the Shortness of Life. unbelievably interesting & clever.
house move truth
nearly had heart-failure last night when the Seller of our hopefully-new-house said that they had changed plans and were no longer going to australia... however, am signing the contract this afternoon so, cross every part of your bodies for us!

right. that's all for now folks

a day in the life of...

2005-10-06T10:31:00.000+01:00

Yesterday morning i was abruptly awakened by the telephone, so much for sweet sleeping dreams. it was a lovely lady from our congregation, whose daughter was 'missing' and had been out all night. she was terrified. rape. murder. all the things that parents dread so much, and are in the news just enough to make them seem real possibilities. i went round, and we searched, went to the daughters college. called the police. prayed. it is amazing - often times I'm with Peterson in the idea that a lot of "pastoral work" is actually "social work" and anyone could do it... he suggests however, that a true pastor (this is all going to be a crude paraphrase) works in liminal places and prays, interceding in that way. AND, that a pastor can only do that from being in a place of prayer themselves... I think I see that more and more.
Anyway, on with the story... early in the afternoon we heard from the (now) repenting child. all was well. [but the college, the police, the mother, and I are all going to make sure that it's a one-off :-)]
However, when I had called home to tell APBL that I was going to be later than planned, he told me that another mother in the flock had rung - her daughter, who suffers from bi-polar disorder, was also reported missing and the police had been, and could I come around. I went - but as I was leaving had a phone call from yet another person, this time, a hospital rush with emergency appendicitis, and could I visit.
Well -from the old lady - "before I could sleep pastor, I read me some psalms, and then I tell me, go you sleep now and TRUST de Lord" (her daughter, it transpires has run away and won't be seen, but has been found), to the bloated stomach of the post-operative patient... I again prayed for people. And again, discovered that the words of prayer are rooted somewhere far beyond my mind.
Then, since I was in the area of the hospital (about 8 miles from Longsight) I phoned a lady there - married to pastor - she asked me if I could come over NOW... I did, in all innocence, only to walk in on a nightmare, since three days earlier her esteemed husband had announced his moving in with another women. dios mio Poor lady. All of the marks of betrayal are etched on her face, the grooves of tears, the fragility of her voice. Poor lady. Poor lady. I listened, and cried with her, and -since her son is a member of our congregation felt like healing is a long, long road for their family. Such betrayal. And, then, I prayed with her.
I came home late, to join in with a gathering of young adults - eating macaroni and cheese, and laughing and joking, out to watch a history of violence, and suddenly the silence and stillness of the house seemed such bliss.
A day of need. And now, I need a day of prayer. the problem so often is that need seems to supersede prayer. i know though, that my tap-roots need to be deep. so deep.

finally, incidentally finished Soil and Soul. Inspiring.